The Museum of Madness

Ashes & Snow: an incredible photo exhibit

2005-03-16T05:04:00.000-08:00

If you are in or near New York City between now and June 6 2005, you should plan to visit "The Nomadic Museum" and treat your eyes and soul to one of the most beautiful and profound photo exhibitions in recent memory.

Gregory Colbert, a Canadian photographer/artist, has spent years on various photo exhibitions all over Planet Earth -- and this exhibit is the culmination of his efforts to present many endangered species in a unique context with their bipedal-domesticated primate friends -- otherwise known as "humans".

This exhibition is truly revolutionary in many ways: it includes a massive portable "museum" that will house the exhibition as it travels around the world; designed by Japanese architect Shigeru Ban, this modular collection of exhibit rooms is made of containers that can be assembled and disassembled like the pieces of a Lego puzzle.

The exhibition also has a beautiful web site, and because of its simplicity of function and design, it should be a required visit for all who consider themselves "web site designers." (That would be about 250,000,000,000 semi-literate morons with a mouse and a modem...)

The web site contains a nice overview of the exhibition, a short bio on artist Colbert, and a sample gallery of these breathtaking photos.

One glance at any one of these pictures, and one has to wonder how puny, egotistical Humankind manages to assume a pose of superiority over these magnificent creatures who share our small dying, polluted planet.

Check it out; it might be the last time you're able to see these animal spirits in something other than a catalogue of vanished species.

(You might have missed the Passenger Pigeon, you can tell your grandkids that you once saw a photo of a real live leopard!)

==============

Ashes and Snow online (http://www.ashesandsnow.org/)

Are You "Male" or "Female"? Take The Test!

2005-02-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Shark's

HANDY-DANDY
GENDER DETERMINATION TEST

Neurological scientists have found evidence that there are some distinct physiological differences between the male and female brain structures. This implies that some behavioral tendencies are also gender-based, but as with most aspects of the complex human mind, few persons can be simplified as 'all or nothing' when it comes to gender behaviors.

Evolutionary trends have insured that most of us contain aspects of both male and female personality dispositions; otherwise, long ago we would have wiped out the species through war and violence -- or constant nagging and bitching.

Below is a test to help you determine what percent of your mind is MALE and FEMALE.

Choose the sentence that best suits you.

#1: My basic philosophy about personal appearance is:

A) I like to look nice by being well-dressed and well-groomed, and I find those same qualities attractive in a mate or companion.
B) Who cares what they look like; you don't fuck their face.

#2: My idea of a nice evening at home alone would include:

A) chocolate and a Nora Roberts novel.
B) a six-pack of Keystone and a porno movie.

#3: A MALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems he's having with his significant other; I respond by:

A) ...sending him a nice, thoughtful Hallmark card that contains encouraging words of friendship and sympathy.
B) ...getting him drunk, taking all of his money in a few games of pool, mocking his sexuality, joking about his family life -- and finally beating the shit out of him on his front lawn at 3:00 A.M. 'cause he got smart on the way home.

#4: A FEMALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems she's having with her significant other; I respond by:

A) ...spending hours listening, sharing tears, and giving good advice.
B) ...pretending to be sympathetic, and then offering to share my bed in case she wants to leave him for an hour or two some Saturday night.

#5: While watching the Olympics ice skating competition, I can appreciate:

A) the skill, beauty, coordination, and sheer artistry of these incredible athletes.
B) the fact that most of the guys are faggots, and the women in those short little skirts probably have the tightest asses and most muscular legs I've ever seen.

#6: If I wrote a fairy tale, I would include:

A) a handsome prince, a beautiful princess, and a happy ending.
B) a powerful evil king, a harem of big breasted virgins unable to speak, and a climatic Kung Fu fight between naked Swedish fashion models.

#7: I think the pictures from Abu Ghraib were:

A) evil, disgusting, perverted -- and they were very damaging to American moral authority abroad.
B) very similar to hazing rituals I participated in at college -- and they demonstrated to those murderous sand-niggers that America means business when it comes to punishing people who we suspect might be even remotely related to terrorist activities.

#8: Michael Jackson is...

A) ...incredibly gifted and talented, but I wouldn't let him my children near him.
B) ...a goofy monstrous freak, but I'd like to have fifteen minutes locked in a room with him, a whip, and a jar of Vaseline.

#9: Driving through the country, I see a young deer run across the road late at night; I think...

A) ...of Bambi -- and remember my wonderful childhood.
B) ...of Bambi's mother -- and remember I need to clean my 30.06 before November.

#10: Women are a great contribution to the workplace, because...

A) ...they balance out the decision-making process by perceiving what men often miss, add a sympathetic emotional approach to customer service, and contribute to a healthy diversity of outlooks and attitudes.
B) ...they flirt, wear short skirts, and show lots of cleavage on 'dress-down' Fridays. Oh, and somebody has to make coffee and clean up the office kitchen.

SCORING:
For each A, add 1 point.
For each B, add 5 points.

If you scored 10 or less, you're ALL WOMAN. Estrogen drips from every pore; you can cry at the drop of a hat; you are a mother to birds, animals, and the young -- a sister and soul mate to every women you meet, and you can sympathize with inanimate objects.

If you scored between 11 and 30, you're very CONFUSED -- and probably either a repressed homosexual or lesbian. (*To find out, see Homo/Lesbo Test below) You often find yourself fluctuating between being an arrogant, aggressive asshole and a relentless, petty bitch. You can eviscerate another human being in a heartbeat, but then turn around and give them a hug.

If you scored between 31 and 50, you're ALL MAN. Testosterone drips from every pore. You can get a titanium boner watching sports, violence, Sesame Street, or two dogs fucking in the park. You can drink your weight in beer and still navigate the Ford F-150 into the garage at 4 A.M. You can kick someone's ass at the drop of a hat; you have no sympathy or compassion for anyone or anything; you tend to see every women you meet as a vagina with legs; you think of Mother Earth as something to exploit, conquer, control and generally fuck over for profit. You love Pro Wrestling, deep-fried pork rinds, and picking your nose while stopped at a red light in traffic. You tend to vote Republican -- and if not, you still think Zell Miller would make the best Democratic president in history.

NOTE: Kill yourself now -- for the sake of the species and the planet. Thanks in advance.

=================

* The Supplemental Homo/Lesbo Test

Which of the following would you prefer as the perfect pet?

A) A Siamese cat, a Rottweiller, or an obnoxious talking bird.

B) A big fwuffy kitty, a toy poodle dyed pink, or a young Richard Gere?

SCORING:

If you choose A, you're a repressed Lesbian.

If you choose B, you're a repressed Homosexual.

=================

"...Who are the sackers of cities and makers of war? Who massacres the innocent and grinds the faces of the poor? Who are the enslavers, pirates, and vandals? Who the witch-hunters, the inquisitors and torturers? I cannot name them one and all; but this much I know: whatever their names, they will not be names of women. If I walk through a burning village strewn with bodies, I may not know the race or nation of those who committed this crime; but have I any need to enquire after their sex?"

From The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak

=================

Another SHARK Test: "ARE YOU A RACIST?"

NEW U.S. ARMY AD

2005-02-09T04:08:00.000-08:00

[What with all the useless dying in Iraq -- and the lull in new recruits, the U.S. Army has changed ad agencies. Below is their latest.]

============================

JOIN THE BEST AND BE YOUR BEST!

SEE YOUR U.S. ARMY RECRUITER TODAY!

The new, improved U.S. Army isn't just about death, destruction, crummy hours, and bad food. No way, Jose; in these exciting times, being in the Army is about having FUN!

Just ask our top brass!

"Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight... It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling. You go into Afghanistan, you've got guys who slapped women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." -- Lt. Gen. James Mattis

In the old days, American soldiers -- especially those in the Greatest Generation -- were reluctant killers. They were sensitive, humble, quiet, reserved -- and above all -- respected life, liberty, and the basic values of humanity. They never saw themselves as heroes -- but simply as young men doing their duty.

But no more! That's right, we now encourage our soldiers to be brash, insensitive, egotistical, swaggering, and immoral; in short, just like your generation! Come on, join the fun! You can become a "hero" just by signing up!

Yes -- having fun, gaining strength, and training for a great career are only some of the benefits of becoming a Soldier in the Army. There are programs available that help pay for your college education; cash bonuses for certain jobs and quality-of-life facilities, and programs to make sure you and your family are taken care of.

The Army has more jobs -- in a variety of areas -- than you would ever expect: over 150 jobs for Soldiers on Active Duty, and 120 jobs in the Army Reserve. From working with computers to assisting physicians to fixing helicopters, there's an Army job right for you.

In addition to the standard jobs training you associate with the Army -- combat, computers, construction, engineering -- we've added some new categories to spark the interest in contemporary young Americans.

Cheerleading
In addition to the standard 'yells', we'll train you in choreography, gymnastics, and the more complex 'pyramid' formations. You'll be well-prepared for a future in the CIA, the FBI, or the NFL. "Ready... OKAY!"

==============

Dog TrainingWe can make you an expert in dog training. If you like animals -- foreign, domestic, whatever breed, religion, ethnic, or tribal group -- we can train you to train them! You'll get hands-on experience, qualify for our excellent K-9 units, and prepare yourself for position with numerous high-paying jobs in any number of intelligence units within and without official government sanctions.

If you can wield a leash and say,
"Here boy!" -- then call your recruiter today!

==============

Mud Wrestling
Throughout our history, we've trained thousands of men and women in karate, tai kwan do, and jiu jitsu -- and to that list of ancient Asian martial arts, we've added a new specialty that was specifically developed by Anglo-Americans in the United States. Believed to have originated in white trash titty bars south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Mud Wrestling has quickly become a serious and honorable martial sport on Army bases in isolated locations around the globe. Part deadly martial art, and part ritualized, choreographed entertainment, this dynamic form of self-defense is a valid career path for any new Army Recruit, but especially well-endowed female soldiers. Want to serve your country? Get down and dirty in the New U.S. Army!

(Call for our free marketing video, "Spring Break: Soldiers Gone Wild!")

BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!

...and then some!

Chinese New Year: Happy, Happy!

2005-02-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

Want to celebrate in the traditional manner?

Burn a CD and send it to 1 billion of your friends.
Copy an American Movie from Horrywood and show it in Tiananmen Square.

I guess we should 'get used to it' -- since this is the First Day of the Rest of China's Life, ie the beginning of "The Chinese Century" -- when the marriage of Wal-Mart and over a billion people will produce a baby that is poor, white, jobless, doesn't speak a friggin' word of English or remember who "Jefferson" was -- but can tell you how many duck coughs it takes to make SARS -- and knows the first name of Chairman Mao's favorite dog.

Did you know that The Year of the Rooster is traditionally a time of death, destruction, and evil on the move? It's so tainted that Chinese women have Caesarian Sections to avoid delivering babies in the Time of the Big Cock.

Speaking of Big Cocks, Death, Destruction, and Evil on the march...

Wow. It just happens to coincide with Bush's reelection. What a fucking coincidence!

The Rooster says this President Chickenhawk is going to invade... let's see, who is it this week...?

Oh yeah, Iran!

Yes, that's right, Iran has.... um...

...something we need to bomb...

Oh. What was it again?

Oh yes, Iran has Social Security! If they don't reform it, we're sending in the ol' "Shock & Awe"!

BUSH SAYS IRAN HAS SOCIAL SECURITY!

LOOK OUT, BELOW!

=================

China.

My good pal, BigDaddio called this "The Chinese Century" in a comment elsewhere.

I agree.

China: they're gonna own the U.S. in five years.

Seriously. And they'll be "free" too!

'Cause these days, "freedom" really means becoming as corrupt, materialistic, and addicted to consumer crap as Americans are.

It wasn't Ronald Raygun who 'defeated' communism; it was Pepsi, Levis, and Rock-n-Roll.

China is building shopping malls faster than they can steal copyrighted and trademarked products to fill them -- so it's just a matter of time.

Now -- if we could just get those wacky Muslims interested in having thirteen different kinds of toilet paper to choose from... get 'em to eat at McDonald's and wear Levi's. Fuck elections. They need PRODUCTS!

** America stands for Freedom, Democracy,
Cholesterol, and Tight-Fitting Pants Made In China **

You're RIGHT. I'm Wrong.

2005-02-05T05:20:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Iraq -- I'm kinda wanting to go over to the other side.

Okay, well, maybe not that side, but I sure think that nowadays, it's a helluva lot more fun to be a reactionary than to be a liberal.

And less lonely, too.

I'm really running outta gas on this liberal thing. When I write a post nowadays, I feel like a guy opening a Yarmulke Shop in downtown Berlin in 1933. When I satirize a conservative online, I feel like I'm performing a Bris ceremony in the Nuremberg town square.

I'm tired of being a "progressive liberal."

Seriously.

You guys have Bush. And the Bush bloodline -- which apparently won't run out within the next four or five generations. I fully expect The Twins to take office (President AND Vice President!) right after Jeb and Neal get done with their second terms. We have the beginnings of a new apostolic succession that will make the length of the English Monarchy's reign look like the lifespan of a sitcom on WB.

...Meanwhile, we have Ted "not dog food, not yet at least" Kennedy. Or the friggin' 'meltdown man' Howard Dean. Shit, we don't even have Christopher Hitchens anymore -- and we can't appeal to the younger generation because they'd rather own stocks in Google than have an alternative to cardboard castles and dogfood dinners in their too distant old age.

Yall have Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

Shit, we have... what... Barbara Streisand... and she hasn't made a decent album in decades...

Yall have a real honest-to-god "We're Gonna Kick Yer Ass for Your Own Good" Foreign Policy -- an Imperialist dream of conquering the world that has balls, smells of testosterone, and promises a happy ending.

...We want everyone on the world playground to, as G. Gordon Liddy would say, "play nicey" -- but our outlook is grim, and we don't really see how cool it looks and feels to walk with a swagger and carry a Nice Big Stick. We wanna turn that Cosmic War Mace into toothpicks for the poor. That ain't gonna sell.

Yall have "shock and awe." We have "ommmm..." -- Do I have to point out that this is No Contest?

Yall have a grand plan to "get government out of people's lives", including their kids (kill public schools), their old age (Social Security), the environment ("jobs before air and water!") and their bankrupting illnesses (health care).

...we have a vague plan to... well, I dunno the plan because --- well, it's vague.

And finally, yall have God and His Word on your side -- and the absolute conviction that you're right and whoever disagrees is wrong. You don't tolerate the Fallen and the Sinful, and you can back it up -- every idea in every human realm (moral, legal, intellectual) -- with scripture. You are able to justify anything based on an ancient, best-selling book that nobody can argue with because,"Hey, it says so right here!"

...Meanwhile, we have dozens of competing paganistic, hedonistic ideas that are in agreement on only one issue: that Everything is Relative -- and one should be Tolerant of Others -- especially their lifestyles.

Your constituency is quoting the Bible on one hand -- and playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" on the other. They go to church and pray -- and then go home and curse, drink beer, and watch fat men play Gladiator With a Pigskin on TV.

We can't compete with that. All we have to offer is a seat at the Unitarian meeting -- where you can join in on a touchy-feely, pretty bad version of "We Are the World" accompanied by an acoustic guitar-playing lesbian.

We're screwed and I know it.

Red rover, red rover, Shark wants to come over...

Opponents Poison Hillary!

2005-02-02T05:26:00.000-08:00

(Rotters News) February 2, 2005 -- WASHINGTON -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said yesterday a fainting spell she suffered might have come from food poisoning that she may have picked up at an expensive Westchester County hotel.

"It was either a 24-hour virus or something we ate," said Clinton, when Rotters Press asked her yesterday what caused her to pass out Monday morning in Buffalo.

"We were celebrating the election in Iraq -- and toasting our victorious President Bush. Everybody ate the same salad," noted Clinton, “but as far as the meat serving, I opted to eat crow -- and had humble pie for dessert.”

Clinton attending a meeting at the Hilton with Newt Gingrich and Jeb Bush on Sunday. The subject of the discussion was to be a compromise on Social Security reform measures.

She declined to blame the hotel or her Republican hosts.

"It was just one of these 24-hour 'bang' events where you just get really, really sick," Clinton said. "I don’t know if I should be suspicious, but I did notice a waiter who looked a lot like Zell Miller. He’s retired now, so I know he can use the work. And the waiter could barely speak English, so the resemblance to Miller was remarkable."

"I decided to get up yesterday morning and keep my schedule, which was probably not the smartest thing to do," Clinton said.

Yesterday, Clinton startled an audience at the Buffalo Saturn Club when she announced Monday morning that she could not continue. Secret Service agents, who accompany her everywhere, slowly ‘rushed’ to her side.

After she was taken to a nearby hospital, tests reveal the level of dioxin in the blood of the Democratic Senator from New York is more than 6,000 times higher than normal.

A normal level of dioxin is between 15 and 45 units. Almost everyone has some level of dioxins because the toxic chemical is widespread in the environment -- mainly from its industrial usages -- and accumulates in the food chain.

In the case of Clinton, doctors at the hospital narrowed the search from more than 400 dioxins to about 29 -- and are confident they will identify the poison by week's end. That, in turn, could provide clues for the investigation of the alleged poisoning.

"From a (chemical) fingerprint, at least you can deduce what kind of sources might have been involved," a police investigator told The Rotters News. "The labs will try to find out whether it matches any of the batches of dioxins that are around, so that maybe you can trace it back to where it was ordered or where it came from. We’re not sure if Zell Miller had anything to do with it, but we did find traces of hominy grits mixed in with the samples."

Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller both denied having anything to do with the poisoning, and added that they are reaching out to all leading Democrats in a series of luncheons and dinners between now and 2008.

"We want to end the bi-partisan bickering," Gingrich said, "---as a matter of fact, this weekend, we're hosting a special Superbowl Party and we've invited Barack Obama to share in some bean dip."

Experts say Clinton, whose face has been pockmarked and disfigured, has probably experienced the worst effects already and should gradually recover, with no impairment to her skills or ability to attract men.

Dangers of Insomnia

2005-02-01T01:04:00.000-08:00

Apex night in the cool mausoleum
friends have turned to stone
families sleep in drowned aisles
small children chased by wild animals
in a dead yet haunted zone;
cities are almost silent
filled and stilled
with renegades in metal wombs
hats back in a restful descent.

Nothing but static
beating the concrete veins.

I lie awake
just this side of the interstate
counting and naming the loop of sheep
imagining tears for a meal of pets
knowing that being alive at this hour
leaves me standing by that shut door
with open eyes
ear pressed to the obstacle
which holds
for Us, a sleeping world
of Them.

Thus We are set apart
by our optical curiosity
and the relentless retinal intake.

They are not My Tribe.

Lids sewn open forever,
doubting the imminent arrival of sleep

settle into my restless arms
which at this hour
resemble gods.

Iraqi Election - "Mission Accomplished!"

2005-01-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

Rotters News Service - Washington DC.
Jan. 31, 2005

Yesterday, January 30, 2005, was an historic day: Iraq held its first free election in over 50 years. Despite threats from the terrorists who have carried out daily car bombings and assassinations, most of the voting locations remained safe throughout the day.

Initial estimates from an Iraq Interim Government spokesperson put the attendance figures at 72%. Later in the day, they were lowered to 60%. Finally, by early evening, a spokesman admitted that they actually had no idea what percentage of the population voted.

Final results are expected to be announced within a week or so, but initial reports show that -- strange as it may seem -- President George Bush won 52% of the overall vote! U.N. Observer Katherine Harris told reporters that while this is relatively unexpected -- since Bush wasn't even on the Iraqi ballot -- it only confirms what the administration has been saying all along: that the Iraqi people have welcomed George W. Bush as a heroic 'liberator'.

Early exit polls showed Bush held a slight edge over the other 275 candidates, but as of late last night, an 11th hour count of Iraqi expatriate votes from Ohio appears to put President Bush in a strong lead; if this is confirmed in the following days, Bush will be the first person in recent history to be democratically elected to run two separate nations.

Iyad Allawi, current Prime Minister on the Iraqi Interim Governing Council and a good friend of the U.S. administration, was running a close second to President Bush. He celebrated his excellent showing in the election by appearing before a cheering crowd of Iraqis late Sunday night. He stood on the balcony of Paul Bremer's old residence, waved to the crowd, and fired an automatic rifle in the air -- which has been the traditional acceptance speech of Iraqi leaders in the past.

In related news, a group of Democratic leaders from the U.S. -- including Senator John Kerry, Senator Joseph Biden, and House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi -- have put forth a controversial immigration bill which allows Sunni residents of Iraq to immigrate on a "fast-track" to the United States, where they will be encouraged to form a coalition with U.S. Democrats. The bill contains over $2 billion to set up four Sunni relocation processing centers in the following locations: Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio; and Orlando and Miami, Florida.

"We're both marginalized parties in our respective countries, "Pelosi said in a press conference late last night, "and we expect to continue to be discriminated against, repressed, taunted, and even hunted down and killed. We hope to combine efforts, raise our numbers, and therefore constitute a more powerful opposition to the continuing onslaught of the Republican Party."

When asked by reporters why the Democrats feel it's necessary to team up with religious fundamentalists from Iraq, Senator Kerry said, "We have to do something to resurrect the Democratic party -- especially on the 'faith' and 'morals' issues. The GOP already staked out the televangelist, Judeo-Christian territory, leaving us to fend for ourselves using other kooky religious traditions. Islam -- by recommending cutting off the hand of a thief -- might also help us on the old "law & order" issue -- where we Democrats are traditionally viewed as weak. It's becoming clear that Democrat and Sunni numbers are dwindling faster than my wife's New Years resolutions to stop nagging. So we have to find some common ground with another marginalized demographic, and we think the Iraqi Sunnis are a good prospect. We'd like to reach out to them and say, 'We feel your pain.'"

When it was pointed out to Senator Kerry that many of the Iraqi Sunnis have ties to terrorists and murderers in their homeland -- and a vote to allow 'fast-track' immigration status could contribute to the influx of terrorists into the United States, Kerry replied, "Well, I voted for the Sunni immigration bill... before I voted against it. The record is clear on that."

"Trust Me!" -- An Iraqi History Timeline

2005-01-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

Great Moments in The History of the War in Iraq

March 19, 2003 - U.S. launches a war against Iraq; the invasion is code-named "Operation Iraqi Liberation" -- aka "OIL" -- but is quickly changed to "Operation Iraqi Freedom." (Later, Arabic scholars point out that the initials "OIF" -- when pronounced in Arabic, means "Crusader's Blunder") The Bush administration paints images resembling Paris in 1944, with Iraqis showering American soldiers with flowers and kisses.

This is gonna be a breeze.

======

April 9, 2003 - American troops enter Baghdad; they stage a photo-op wherein Iraqis bring down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein with a U.S. military crane.

Things will get better.

======

April 14, 2003 - The Pentagon declares major fighting at an end.

Things are swell!

======

May 1, 2003 - President Bush stuffs a pair of socks in the crotch of his flight suit and lands an airplane on the USS Lincoln in a staged photo-op for the American press. A gigantic sign declares, "Mission Accomplished" -- meaning the war in Baghdad is over.

Americans can now celebrate "Victory in Iraq!"

======

July 13, 2003 - Paul Bremer appoints 25 Iraqis to an Interim Governing Council.

The violence against Americans should end.

======

July 22, 2003 - American soldiers kill Saddam's sons, Husay and Quday. The heirs to power in the Baathist party are dead. It is the beginning of the end of the insurgency.

Things are going to get better.

======

September 7, 2003 - President Bush asks Congress for a mere $87 billion for the ongoing 'police action' in Iraq. Nation building ain't cheap, and unlike the Democrats, when the Republicans throw money at a problem, it gets solved.

Things couldn't be better!

======

December 13, 2003 - American soldiers capture Saddam Hussein. He is confined and will later be tried in a court of law in what has been called, "The Trial of the Century." (Iraqis apparently never heard of O.J. Simpson) This is the end of the insurgency among pro-Saddam Baathists.

Things are great! Whoo-hoo! Let's par-tay, America!

======

April 4, 2004 - U.S. troops begin the first in a series of futile "assualts" on the city of Falluja. In Vietnam era parlance, "We had to destroy the village in order to save it."

Things are looking up!

======

May 28, 2004 - Iyad Allawi, an ex-Baathist hit man and CIA and MI-5 employee is appointed Prime Minister of Iraq. He is called "Saddam Lite", and the hope is that he can get control of his semi-domesticated Troglodyte fellow Iraqis. He is armed, by the way.

Things are going to get better now, we promise!

======

June 28, 2004 - In a surprise move, the United States transfers power back to Iraqis two days early. The ceremony was held in secret to thwart attacks by Iraqi insurgents. Only 30 people were present.

Um, we wanted it to be a surprise. Things are REALLY gonna improve now that these bastards have their 'sovereignty.' Trust me.

======

July 7, 2004 - Things are going so swell that to celebrate the relative peace and calm in the streets, Prime Minister Allawi signs a law permitting him to impose martial law.

This is really a good thing for 'freedom' and 'democracy'!

======

January 30, 2005 - Iraqi elections go off without a hitch. At least ten or twelve people were able to vote, thus insuring a consensus in a country united by its tribal and religious past.

This is great, wonderful, fantastic! No more bombs, killings, or dead American G.I.s! The Iraqis finally have their democracy.

======

February 1, 2005 - Thanks to a secretly negotiated deal between Bush, Blair, and Saddam Lite, the new "Iraqi" government asks all foreign troops to leave Iraq. Bush gets down on his knees and thanks God.

======

February 2, 2005 - Americans begin withdrawal. Taliban sets up shop, but is thwarted by chaos and anarchism created by escalating civil war.

======

February 3, 2005 - Rumsfeld and Cheney remind Bush that the Muslim Haj is currently taking place; they encourage Bush to drop H-Bombs on Mecca and Messina, thus finally -- once and for all -- insuring "peace, security, democracy, and freedom" in the Middle East.

==============

Official Iraqi Voting Instructions

Shark's Official Withdrawal Plan

Gaia Girl Gone Wild

2005-01-13T03:27:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on Mother Earth's hormonally imbalanced temper tantrums:

California: A good tsunami would wash away all of those collapsed mudslides...

On my Sympathy Scale, rich californians with no sense of geology are just below radical Indonesian Islamic folks who live on islands and don't know how to swim.

The Buck Stops... um... over there?

2005-01-13T03:24:00.000-08:00

CBS fired four people because they either got snookered by a fake document -- or they reported a lie.

Imagine what would happen to the Bush administration if we never found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq!

Oh.

Wait.

...nevermind...

All News is Marketing?

2005-01-11T05:37:00.000-08:00

"When I hear the word "marketing", I reach for my gun." -- Shark

For the last few years, I've been saying "ALL NEWS IS MARKETING -- and ALL MARKETING IS NEWS." Some folks don't understand what I mean, whereas others have criticized me for being cynical and/or obtuse.

Well, here's a story that serves as an excellent example -- more evidence for my pet mantra -- and one big reason I believe Democracy and America the Ideal are soon to be little more than dead memories from a distant past.

While the media plays up the CBS story like it was a Tsunami of Unethical Liberal Media Bias, they're ignoring the much bigger story: Armstrong Williams, an alleged "journalist" was paid $240,000 (in taxpayer dollars), by the Department of Education to promote President Bush's No Child Left Behind.

Williams was paid to talk up Bush's bullshit legislation in op/ed pieces and in a nationally syndicated television show "The Right Side." (He was mainly tapped to bring those pesky Democratic Negroes over to the side of God's Own Party (GOP) in the '04 election.)

Ketchum Public Relations handled the deal, giving out American taxpayer dollars to promote partisan propaganda. Does that name ring a bell? Well, those are the same people who brought you Karen Ryan, a PR actor who posed as a reporter in 2004 in a FAKE NEWS REPORT to promote President Bush's Medicare reform plan -- which the nonpartisan General Accounting Office determined were illegal because they violated a ban on publicly funded "covert propaganda."

A GAO report ruling the Bush administrations actions as illegal apparently means nothing to Karl Rove and the Junta in the White House, because Karen Ryan reappeared just in time for the election -- doing another FAKE NEWS STORY on -- yep, No Child Left Behind.

It would be funny if it weren't so despicable.

In a gigantic display of the hypocrisy so rampant in the GOP, Williams web site describes himself as "independent" and "a principled voice for conservatives."

Ah, yes. And Bush loves the environment and hates "nation-building".

In recent years, the Bush administration and the Monolithic Right Wing Propaganda Machine (FOX, Heritage Foundation, American Enterprise, et al) has turned "Marketing as News" and "News as Marketing" into an art.

The government entity responsible for "No Child Left Behind" -- which is under-funded by some $7 billion a year -- can still manage to find a almost a quarter of a million dollars of taxpayer money to pay some Media Whore to stand on the media street corner and spread his legs for the White House's Mind Control Program.

Meanwhile, the MAIN PIMP (aka The Bush Administration) in this ILLEGAL activity blamed the Department of Education. Hey, maybe they were responsible for Abu Ghraib and the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq?

So once again, the most blundering and corrupt presidency in American history passes the buck.

"The buck stops here!" has become "What? Me Worry?"

This is just part of the story, and yet another example of why the Democrats will not regain power in the foreseeable future: the Nasty Right is much more organized, well financed, well placed -- and will stop at nothing when it comes to marketing their 'ideas' and holding onto power.

One of the leading powers in this propaganda manipulation movement is the Heritage Foundation, a right-wing "think tank" which spends millions of dollars coming up with new plans, policies, and euphemisms to hide their Capitalist/Conservative agenda.

Paul Weyrich, Heritage's founder, has defined their political strength as "the four M's: mission, money, management and marketing."

Edwin Feulner, Heritage Foundation's current president: "We stress an efficient and effective delivery system. Production is one side; marketing is equally important..."

There's that word again: "Marketing". It's not about substance, quality, or long term goals; it's about marketing, it's about perception, it's about selling the American public some insane, partisan idea that will screw millions of people and make a handful of ultra-rich Americans even richer.

'Cause that's what marketing is all about.

"I got mine. I'll get more. And fuck you."

The difference now is that they're using our own money to sell us bad ideas that will screw us in the long run.

"Psst. Hey, sailor. Wanna buy a used Iraq?"

IRAQ VOTER MEMO: Vote (and) or Die?

2005-01-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

MEMO TO ALL IRAQI CITIZENS:
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE UPCOMING ELECTION

Greetings, my fellow Iraqi citizens.

As you know, the ongoing reconstruction of our nation is making great progress under the auspices of the Nice American Soldiers.

As you also know, the first free democratic election in Iraqi history will occur in a few weeks. This election is the culmination of the American Liberation, and will be the final act before these 150,000 American soldiers go home happy with the knowledge that they left Iraq much better than when they found it.

Phase One, as you will remember, amounted to their glorious arrival -- amid showers of kisses and flowers, by the way -- in Baghdad -- followed by the highly orchestrated photo-op toppling of Saddam's statue live on American TV.

Placing the American flag on Saddam's statue, as you recall, was a bit of ad hoc improv by a soldier who went ‘off-script’ -- as they say in Hollywood. The American marketing people immediately recognized the faux pas inherent in that gesture, and it was quickly corrected by placing an Iranian flag over the statue -- both of which unfortunately disappeared during the subsequent nation-wide looting that followed.

(Oh well, Democracy, as President Bush is so fond of saying -- is "Hard Work".)

Phase Two, as you recall, was the above-mentioned nation-wide looting, which allowed thirty years of anti-Baathist sentiment to be expressed over a few violent, anarchic days. It was what the Americans call "stress-release" -- and is thought to be relatively health-inducing -- although a side effect turned out to be the loss of humanity's collection of Babylonian and Assyrian relics... plus the entire infrastructure of our humble nation.

Oh well, on to Phase Three.

Phase Three, as you remember, occurred in July of 2004, with the long awaited gesture known as "turning over sovereignty to the Iraqis". This "Sovereignty" was touted as an effective solution to the death squads, beheadings, bombings, and anarchy which were running so rampant in our newly liberated nation.

Sovereignty meant that Iraqi army, Iraqi police, civic workers, and general public could now share in the sacrifices the American soldiers were making for our glorious, freedom-loving democracy. In other words, everyone -- no matter what their job or nationality -- could now die by a violent act for abstract American ideals that were probably impossible to attain.

And as you know, sovereignty was very effective in this regard. Earlier, those sacrifices had been made very ineffectively -- at least from a numerical and resource allocation standpoint. Before July of 03, sacrifices for Democracy were made a person at a time -- through inefficient kidnappings and beheadings.

After July of 03, these were consolidated into much more effective and efficient suicide bombings, roadside explosions, mass executions, and periodic assassinations.

Progress: it is good.

And now, in January of 05, we have the upcoming elections. The following is meant to be a primer as to the technical details we are encouraging our fellow Iraqis to follow when it comes time to 'cast your vote.'

If you wish to vote for the SUNNI candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Shiite temple;
2) assassinate a Shiite cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Shiite neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for the SHIITE candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Sunni temple;
2) assassinate a Sunni cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Sunni neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for an Islamic Terrorist candidate, (Al Qaeda party), you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) deliver the head of a US citizen to any voting location; (a Halliburton employee will be counted as TWO votes);
2) blow up a Sunni temple AND a Shiite temple, and deliver a videotape of the explosions to Al Jazeera.
3) Please come to Najaf or Mosul to be "counted"; wear a black mask and BYORPG (bring your own RPGs);

If you wish to vote for the KURDISH candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) killing yourself;
2) moving to Turkey;
3) getting AIDS from some corrupt American female soldier;
4) getting AIDS from some corrupt American male soldier, you heathen Sodomite!
4) all of the above.

The "Interim" Government of Iraq wishes to thank you in advance for voting in the upcoming democratic election.

We all know that within minutes of the election, the Nice American Soldiers will be packing up their Game Boys, IPODS, and western porno magazines and heading back to their homes in America -- and any way that we can encourage this action and the subsequent uniting of all friendly, loving, compassionate Iraqi brothers and sisters will be good for the future of Iraq.

God Bless America -- and Allah Bless Iraq!

Biblical Shit and Other Stuff

2005-01-03T05:38:00.000-08:00

Wow. I was wrong. Bush was right.

And, man, was I wrong; I listened to my pagan instincts; big mistake.

Bush listened to God. ~Whoa. And it turns out that God really can kick Allah's ass if He wants to.

God (aka "Mr. Forgiveness") apparently celebrated the birth of His Son, Savior and Redeemer of Humankind, by saying, "Merry Fucking Christmas. Happy New Year. It's 2005, welcome to Armageddon -- oh, and have you met Tsunami?"

Yep. He finally spoke. It turns out He speaks to Bush all the time, and after September 11, God spoke to George A LOT MORE OFTEN -- and I think he used the word "CRUSADE" and "INVADE" pretty regularly, too.

And of course, God is always right. And just when you get your hopes up -- thinking He's that Touchy-Feely Merciful Guy from the New Testament, He turns around and puts a Cosmic Whupass on the planet.

But you'll notice He doesn't fuck with America. (Other than an occasional whack upside Florida's head; they're mostly Jews down there...) No, God fucks with godless heathens -- more specifically, Muslims in the Asian-Pacific part of the world.

Drown their motherfuckin' asses en masse. No time for Noah, Shem, and Ham; nope, just enough time for a big Cosmic Flyswatter to return some semblence of balance to the region.

Of course, in my stoned vernacular, Gaia always has Her say. Tsunamis are Her way of controlling population. Pandemics are Her way of slowing economic growth. Earthquakes are Her way of telling us not to build obstacles to a nice view of the horizon.

============

Couple of random thoughts for the New Year.

1) Let's start with some good ol' fashioned American phonetic spellings of some of the more common words we'll be using in 05; can we agree on SOMETHING?

Do you like "Sunami" or Sunamy"?

"Al Kayda" or "Al Kyduh"?

Let me know. This is important.

Speaking of radical muslims and sunamies (sic): where are the richest countries in the world when it comes to these 'aid' and 'assistance' funds?

Y'know -- Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirate -- those fuckers with all the oil and all of the cash that Bush so readily lusts after?

Where are THEY when it comes time to rebuild the radical, 'Merican-hating madrassas?

Can't they contribute a few billion to help their own in a time of need?

And why am I the only person asking?

==============

BTW: I noticed that the worst natural disaster in contemporary history is up to ONE ENTIRE WEEK on the American NEWS.

Wow! Not bad for a nation suffering from ADD and Compassion Saturation (post-xmas, y'know... enough with the recovering alcoholic bell-ringers!).

I predict we'll be interested for about 3 more days (...where's Florida?) -- until the News Robots run out of new home videos shot by palsied vacationers with DV cameras.

Happy New Year.

Stop Rutting.

That is all for now.

My Top Twelve of 2004

2004-12-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has begun to think
places some portion of the world in jeopardy. -- John Dewey

Did I get yer attention?

Good. Bear with me for a minute or two. Tetris can wait, can't it?

I had to do an 'end of the year list', (for no other reason than to piss you off) -- but in my irritating obsession with "wanting to be different", I also had to make it a dozen -- as opposed to the standard "Top 10" found among writers who have much more discipline when it comes to cutting up their babies and leaving them in boxes beside the information highway.

I know that like all Americans, you suffer from ADD, which means that whether it's 22 dead in Mosul -- or a quick glimpse at a breast during the Super Bowl, your tiny cotton candy brain can only process a finite amount of information for a few seconds at a time before it jettisons the current 'thought' and moves on to the next smash-cut MTV-like commercial or "news flash" about the latest celebrity murderer.

(Hell, half the U.S.A. could be obliterated in a nuclear bomb, but within fifteen minutes, you'd be seeing commercials for Viagra in between the views of smoldering cities tearfully described by Katie Couric.)

Remember after 9/11?

"Can we ever laugh again?"

"Can we ever smile again?"

"Will we ever allow ourselves a frivolous moment in the face of 3000 dead, innocent Americans?"

You've gotta be kiddin' me.

Your typical American can lose a close family member, and within 20 minutes, they're being interviewed on CNN, looking for an agent, cutting a book deal, and acting like they just misplaced their car keys.

Memory loss apparently has its advantages -- but I'm here to remind you what the Year Of Our Lord 2004 was all about. One only has to do a quick perusal of Shark's total entries for the year to see highlights of every major 'cultural' event for the last twelve months.

For about fiftteen minutes, each of the following events dominated our lives as if our very survival depended on a full understanding of their importance. And as each "significant" moment was erased by the Next Big Thing vomited up by the collective Whore of Babylon known as "The Media", it was quickly replaced by another "Next Big Thing" -- so pay attention -- and um... get out your credit cards.

Remember these?

A breast, Mel Gibson, South Carolina and the Confederate Flag, Prayer prayer prayer, IRAQ, road rage, RIAA vs downloading, Abu Ghraib, Martha Stewart, the GOP Convention, The Olympics, and the Christoids vs Halloween?

Yeah, I didn't think so. Hell, I bet you don't even remember John Kerry. Here, see if this rings a bell:

Swift Boat.
Coward.
Liar.
Traitor.
Purple Heart.
Liar.
Traitor.

...oh, sorry, I got hypnotized by the pattern there...

Anyway, if you think hard, you might remember these and other totally unimportant events that were blown way out of proportion in the year 2004.

If not, I'm here to help. I'm here to remind you that what you see, think, hear, and feel today is about as meaningless as a set of dentures on a duck.

And that as long as you stay forgetful, stupid, and scared -- this great nation will continue to function just fine -- thank you very much.

===================

SHARK'S TOP 12 FROM 2004

Final Word on the Super (toilet) Bowl ...wherein Shark tells you the significance of the most overrated moment in contemporary history, that nano-second when Janet Jackson's chemically enhanced breast was exposed on national TV -- during a football game, no less!

Passion Fruit ...wherein Shark does Mel Gibson's biblical bloodfest known as "The Passion" (which -- ironically -- was also a fab porno movie in the 1970s). Yeah, I know that pointing out a contemporary Christoids' hypocrisy is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes, ya just gotta pull the trigger -- regardless of whose divine mythological being is gettin' gored. Besides, He and Mel both died for my... oh, nevermind. Get thee behind me, reader!

Take the Test: Are You a Racist? ...wherein Shark mocks his fellow crackers from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line, from semi-guilty Yankee liberals who don't understand how if feels to be the only 'Americans' to have ever lost a war (exception: see Bush/Iraq, circa 2004) to toothless rednecks who fly Confederate flags over their mobile homes. (Note: this post was yet another reason for the late, great Mac-whats-her-name to misread, misunderstand, and misinterpret my vast superior intellect -- claiming once again that my 'racist test' is explicit evidence of my current standing as a slave owner and Grand Poobah of the Bumfuque, Alabama branch of the KKK.

Pray Before Play: The New Amendment ...wherein Shark projects the current Christoid-Right Wing Fundamentalist Tent Revival into the near future; when people who pray violate Matthew chapter 6, come out of the closet, and pray their asses off in public. Whoops! Who knew there was more than ONE religion in the good ol' U. S. A.? Goddammit. Don't you hate it when you have to be fair?!

A New Plan For Iraq ...wherein Shark explains the "Exit Strategy" for the disaster known as Vietn... I mean, Iraq. (READ THIS. FORWARD IT TO YOUR SENATOR AND CONGRESSMAN.)

Stress Is Killing Me ...wherein Shark explains why the hormone Cortisol is constantly coursing through your veins in direct proportion to the amount of TV News you consume; ie. why you're a sick puppy stuck in an overcrowded kennel filled with ultra-violent paranoid inbreeds.

He Kills People: Fine. He Downloads Music, GET HIM! The U.S. government can't catch Bin Laden, but they can track down 12 year old kids who download music off the internet. Fuck the Terrorists! Madonna needs her royalties!

Iraq: It's Over; We Lost ...Wherein Shark tries to remember happy crowds in the streets of Iraq? Showers of flowers and kisses? ...but no, he keeps seeing the image of a hooded prisoner standing on a box with wires stuck on his fingers. We went to Iraq and were supposed to 'fix' the "region" with a nice dose of Freedom and Democracy... Remember Abu Ghraib? Well, there goes the neighborhood!

Martha Stewart's Dear Diary ...wherein Shark exposes Martha's private prison journal. (By the way: Ken Lay and Jeffery Skilling are free. Martha Stewart is in prison. Never mind; your job is to Entertain Yourself, keep your eye on the swinging pocketwatch -- and don't you dare ask any important questions.)

Secret GOP Convention Plans ...wherein Shark exposes Karl Rove's top secret, minute-by-minute plan for the Republican Convention.

Olympics Opening Ceremony ...wherein Shark shares a touchy-feely, we're-all-supposed-to-squirt-a-few-tears collective cultural moment with his fellow Americans... and ends up wanting to get a Manlicher-Carcano rifle and find a nice open view on the sixth floor of any building in America.

Hell House: A Halloween Nightmare ...wherein Shark gets "scared straight" by a vision of Christian Youth somewhere near Burleson, Texas.

======================

If you go to Blogcritics and viddy any of these essays, LEAVE A COMMENT.

That let's me know I'm not alone.

"You mean I'm not alone?!"

Shark Watches HUD again...

2004-12-20T05:50:00.000-08:00

Watched "HUD" (1963) again this weekend. Oh. My. Gawd.

(1963 was the year when America's innocence died. If you lived through that year, it's impossible to forget.)

HUD is one of those rare films that actually deserved the many Oscars it received. Patricia Neal and Melvin Douglas - for acting: James Wong Howe for gorgeous B&W cinematography. (Newman didn't get an Oscar for his acting even though he probably deserved it. Few actors have eaten up the screen like Newman did as Hud, and the only case of an equivalent was in COOL HAND LUKE (1967) which Shark believes to be the Greatest Film Ever Made, by the way.

Oh, the beauty of this classic black and white. The disregard for standard lighting 'logic' and conventions -- which adds to the beauty and other-worldliness of this film.

Story was adapted from the great Larry McMurtry's first novel, "Horseman Pass By" -- a Texan family is torn between two philosophies, a common dichotomy -- new vs traditional, young vs old, nihilism vs tradition, selfishness vs compassion, greed vs altruism -- or in writer Arthur Koestler's terms:

self-assertive -vs- self transcendent,
ie. inner vs outer,
preservation of the self -vs- harmony with the greater good,
I,Me,Mine -vs- family, tribe, community

This film also contains one of the most powerful, classic, and quotable lines in all of film history -- and is ESPECIALLY applicable today:

Hud's father, Homer Bannon says:

"...Little by little, the look of the country changes because of the men we admire. You're just going to have to make up your own mind one day about what's right and wrong."

One is reminded of the loss of the admirable characters of our narrative myths -- replaced by a cultural landscape teeming with steroid studs, singer sluts, killer crazies, rapists, sports heroes, shock jocks, fake faith healers, con men, weighlifting/actor/governor, politicians who lie-cheat-steal, etc etc etc ad infinitum.

I was also reminded that we're sort of past the era when films could have 'negative' endings like HUD's. Maybe not.

Tragedy is as old as drama, but most moronic Americans want feel-good-popcorn crap to keep their tiny limbic regions from contemplating the meaninglessness of their lives. It's "too depressing" -- which means Shakespeare would be shit out of luck if he were writing for Hollywood these days.

"The comedies are great, Willie, but forget that stuff with the sad endings. Nobody wants to leave the theater on a bummer..."

Bummer.

Anyway, check out HUD sometime soon. It's a masterpiece.

Shark's Digital Christmas Card

2004-12-20T05:14:00.000-08:00

A reminder of what Christmas is ALL ABOUT...

xoxo and Merry Christmas
from Shark

Married Christmas! Notes for the Dysfunctional

2004-12-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

It's the holidays, kids, that time when we celebrate the birth of the Son of God and the Savior of Humankind -- by shopping, getting stressed out, and starting violent domestic squabbles with extended families we can't stand to be around any other time.

Yes, it's time for families to get together to celebrate the Season of Guilt.

Who do you buy presents for?

How much should you spend?

No matter what you decide, you'll always feel guilty: someone gives you a present and you don't reciprocate -- or you either spend too much or spend too little. There is no middle ground when it comes to gift-giving: You're either a nice thoughtful person deep in debt -- or a cheap, ungrateful bastard.

Loving relationships are pushed to the brink of total destruction by another annual dilemma fraught with guilt: "Where do we spend Christmas?" If inlaws live in separate cities, the decision is simple; most couples use the alternating system: "Yours last year -- mine this year."

For those unlucky enough to have local parents, the dilemma is more complicated. The alternating system is also used, but it always has to include the same annual arguments: Whose house do we visit first? How long do we stay? Where do we eat the Big Dinner? Where do we watch the Big Game?

The situation is bad enough if you're in a stable first marriage, but if you're on a second or third marriage, the presence of yours, mine, and ours multiplies the problems exponentially; dealing with half-a-dozen grandparents and a small army of semi-related children is great for the economy, but a killer when it comes to stress. Either way, numerous spats and hurt feelings will precede the same old inevitable plan:

Mom#1's house - Introductions to family members you haven't seen since the last major holiday. Try to avoid the token weird, alcoholic Uncle Bill. Eat the "Big Dinner" -- but go light -- since the earlier negotiated settlement meant dinner with both families.

(Note: Both Mom#1 and Mom#2 use sugar as the main ingredient in all their holiday recipes. Whether it's the glazed ham, the candied yams, or the Fudge of Death, your sugar intake for the day will be equivalent to eating your weight in M&Ms. If you're female, each time you compliment a dish, you'll spend the next 20 minutes jotting down the recipe. This is a psychological gesture that will forever endear you to your mother-in-law.)

At half time during The Big Game, waddle out to the car and repeat all of the above at Mom #2's house.

By early evening, you're bored, depressed, and suffering from severe pumpkin pie poisoning. Just when you're ready to pack up and leave, some idiot suggests a game of Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit -- or if you're really unlucky, Monopoly.

Mom #2 begs you to stay -- and you grudgingly agree in order to avoid a later fight with your spouse as a climax to the celebrations.

Six hours later, bankrupted by an eight-year-old capitalist prick with four hotels on Park Place, you head for the house.

What a day: Eighteen hours of food, drink, games, recipes, and guilt.

No matter where you choose to spend the holidays, you'll end up with the blues -- guilty because you're somewhere you wish you weren't -- or guilty because you didn't go and you know you should have gone. There is no way to avoid it.

Say that you decide to put your foot down and stay home for the holidays; on Christmas Day, you'll be imagining Mom#1 and Mom#2 tearfully staring at an empty chair at the dinner table, muttering your name into their eggnog. You'll wonder if the Christmas tree lights will support your weight as you hang from the rafters in the garage.

It's a tough time, but you should be consoled in the knowledge that millions of others are going through the exact same things at this time of year. That's why God made New Year's Eve: It's a chance for everyone to get drunk a week later (That's why it's called the alcoholidays!) and make a resolution to avoid all of this dysfunctional nonsense next year.

And you and millions of others like you will forget that resolution and do it all over again.

It's a tradition.

Bernie Kerik Goes Down on Bush

2004-12-11T06:02:00.000-08:00

SOME FUN!

And chalk one up for the skeletons in the closet of the nation's over-hyped "top cop".

For once (in four long horrible years), a Bush appointee was discovered to be a criminal BEFORE HE OFFICIALLY BEGAN WORKING FOR THE Bush Administration.

Friday night, (at 8:30 pm, the typical 'dead news' time during which the Bushies have always announced bad news!) -- Bernie Kerik, of the NYPD, had to 'remove his name for consideration' from the Homeland Security nomination.

Apparently, the guy who was to oversee the movement of suspicious illegal aliens and untaxed, laundered terrorist cash in the US was undermined by his 'nanny' -- a suspicious illegal alien who probably doesn't pay a lot of US and NY taxes -- since she gets paid in laundered cash by NYPD's Top Cop.

Ahahaha. See how fun this can be!

Everyone was shocked, but they didn't fool me for a second.

And I still believe the nanny thing is a smoke-screen for numerous other, more serious 'crimes' and accusations rattling around in Kerik's closet.

Taser-Boy apparently made a cool $6 million off of his TASER stocks; and he was both "top cop" in America's largest city, and top marketing mouth in his position on the TASER Board of Directors.

Look, I hate to say I told you, but I didn't like this guy the first time I saw him strut up to a michrophone in one of those phoney "Let's calm america" speeches around 9/11.

Kerik reminds me of a few dozen PE coaches I had in high school back in the 1960s: The loose-cannon with a burr haircut. The ex-Marine drill instructor who secretly loves other men, wants to have sex with the boys basketball team, and yet has spent a lifetime denying his homosexuality because to be a homo would mean he's not as macho as he likes to pretend.

But he still likes to hang with the boyz, whether it's in the marine barracks, the high school locker room, or the cop's lounge down at the local Irish pub.

And I'd also bet that one could spit near Kerik and hit some NY mafioso connections.

Well, either way, Kerik is out of the running, and the Bush Administration has to find another candidate with equal qualifications.

hmmmm.

Is Roy Cohn still alive?

heh.

Santa Claus Heads for Gitmo

2004-12-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

M E M O R A N D U M B

TO: President Bush (aka "Karl Rove")

FROM: Pat Robertson

cc:
ATF - Waco, Texas Division
IRS
Michael Powell c/o FCC
F.A.A
N.R.A
C.R.A.P. (Conservatives for Repealing American Principles)

SUBJECT: Santa Claus, et al.

Dear Mr. President,

As you know -- based on information from exit polls during the November Presidential election -- we've continued our massive focus on the "moral values" cultural war in America. We hope to further the divide between Christians and those evil, intellectual, elite atheistic humanists whose goal appears to be to turn this great nation into a population of Darwinistic Sodomites who take steroids and think that war is something Jesus wouldn't approve.

In light of this ongoing opportunistic crusade, I've been asked by the leaders of the CRAP (Conservatives for Repealing American Principles) to request an official investigation into the recent activities of a man known as Santa Claus. We're not sure if this is his real name; he's been known by a number of different aliases over the years, including Kris Kringle and Saint Nick, (aka "Nicky") -- which indicates a possible Sicilian connection. (That alone is reason for suspicion. See RICO for more.) I've also asked the Internal Revenue Service to reassess his current non-profit 501-C status due to improprieties within his organization.

Claus is described as an overweight Caucasian male with long hair, a disheveled beard, and rosy cheeks (often a sign of alcoholism). ("Homeless" is a descriptive word applied to the initial physical impression made by this aging degenerate.)

He's often identified by his constant use of the word "Ho," which indicates a connection to Negro drug lords and/or rap music gangsters.

We also suspect ties to various extremist homosexual groups; he apparently shares living quarters with a large band of diminutive males who dress in funny outfits, including extremely short pants and green nylon stockings.

We were tipped off to this situation by a song that has been associated with this radical group; it includes the lyrics, "Don we now our gay apparel..." a hidden reference to the effeminate uniforms worn by this bizarre and potentially dangerous cult. This song has become somewhat of an anthem for this gang of corrupt zealots, and further evidence for a homosexual agenda is the inclusion of the line, "fa-la-la la-laaa" -- a well-know esoteric greeting used among sodomites, perverts, and extremely well-groomed men from the Castro district in San Francisco, California.

We also suspect him of being a pederast, in that he spends a lot of unsupervised time with children; rumor has it that he prefers intimate conversations with the children while they are forced to sit on his "lap."

His specific political agenda is unknown, although we suspect he has strong ties to left-wing Communist and/or Socialist organizations. Not only does he live in a commune that shares possessions equally among all members, but he has been known to gather items of value-- including toys and games--and redistribute them to the peasant masses according to a Marxist philosophical and economic ideology.

Mr. Claus wields a dangerous amount of dictatorial domination over his followers; a Christian Coalition informant was able to infiltrate his headquarters at the North Pole and spent a horrendous six weeks among Claus and his sodomizing, miniature minions. The informant observed the use of standard brainwashing techniques, and characterized Mr. Claus's all-encompassing power over his followers: "...he knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good..."

Other possible violations of American laws:

Spying - Mr. Claus participates in unauthorized flights over sensitive strategic military locations throughout the United States. His spy aircraft, which uses eight tiny reindeer as a means of propulsion, has not been approved by the Department of Transportation or the FAA.

(Note: NRA lobbyists have pointed out that his flights coincide with deer hunting season, and that they will exercise their legal right to participate in the sport of their choice, despite the danger it might pose to people on the ground. There are some reports that indicate Claus is actually an angry immigrant from the Hmong tribe in Laos -- who not only doesn't respect hunting property boundaries, but might have access to automatic weapons and be a damn good shot! In case of a direct confronatation, excercise extreme caution -- and for God's sake, don't wear Blaze Orange!)

Tax evasion - due to his location on the polar ice cap, he pays no local or state taxes, despite the fact that he conducts interstate commerce throughout the United States on an annual basis. He has applied for corporate headquarters status in the Cayman Islands, and we're working with the Commerce Dept. to instigate a swift denial of that application.)

Trademark violations - Each year, millions of dollars worth of bootleg products are produced by his illicit factory; he participates in the manufacture of unauthorized, unlicensed, and fraudulent toys and games, thereby depriving income from many legitimate American capitalist institutions that serve children: Mattel, Fisher-Price, Philip-Morris, Budweiser, Ritalin, et al.

Breaking & Entering/various acts of vandalism - Claus has been known to invade the homes of innocent American citizens, damaging shingles, chimney flues -- often leaving a trail of destruction, cookie crumbs, and spilled milk.

Sexual Assault - Numerous children have testified that they saw "...Mommy kissing Santa Claus..." (--which doesn't necessarily contradict previous evidence of his deviant homosexual behavior, but only confirms the bi-sexual nature of his immorality!)

Scary Anagrams - LAST BUT NOT LEAST: the letters in the word 'Santa' can be rearranged to spell 'Satan.'

What better scientific, empirical evidence can possibly be required?

Thanks in advance for your intervention, strong-arm tactics, opportunistic media manipulation, and persecution with extreme prejudice.

God Bless America,
Pat Robertson

Iraq? I-what? Who Gives a Shit?

2004-09-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

As we dilly-dally with the details and/or lies and/or commercials (don't they always lie?) surrounding what happened to a presidential candidate in a disastrous, ill-advised war that happened 35 years ago, I began to wonder:

As Bush and Kerry continue to play a violin duet while Rome burns,

what's missing from the presidential debate?

As a matter of fact, what's missing from the news, the national dialogue, and everyone's consciousness -- (except worried parents and spouses of military folk stationed in that hell-hole of a QUAGMIRE called "Iraq"?)

Iraq? Wha?

I-what?

Remember that place? WMDs? Terrorists? Al Qaeda? IMMINENT THREAT?

Yeah, I know Tommy Franks, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick "I had other priorities" Cheney, and President "AWOL in Alabama" don't count the ghosts that hover over their fucking heads at night while they sleep in their comfy beds in Washington, but here's the latest number:

As of 09/03/04 10 AM CST:

978 AMERICANS KILLED IN IRAQ.

And before you start with the "That's not many compared to other wars!" --- don't even fucking go there. That's not many if you're defending Americans or their explicit interests relative to freedom and self-defense -- WHICH THEY'RE NOT.

It's a fucking criminal enterprise if you're doing it because you had a neo-con erection that you just had to stick in the oil-filled sand of Iraq -- and lied and/or distorted the intelligence in order to convince the American people that it was not only necessary, but HAD NO COST.

Bush. Cheney. Rumsfeld.

Liars. Motherfucking Liars. Traitors sending innocent warriors to their meaningless deaths.

(Oh, wait, Baghdad has health care and satellite TV. Neverfuckingmind. I don't, but Baghdad does. Halley-fuckin'-luyah!)

BTW: No matter what you pricks say, Iraq doesn't meet that criteria -- that it was a threat to American interests; that it was an explicit example of American interests (other than ego and oil -- that is...); NO. It never has met the criteria for WAR. We weren't THREATENED. Our leaders saw an opportunity to make some quick bucks from a "reconstruction effort" -- to line the pockets of their supporters, ex-associates (Halliburton) 'political contributors, and to LOOK TOUGH.

Our soldiers are dying for a hasty decision, a mistake, a mindless gamble based on greed, arrogance, neo-con fantasies, erroneous intelligence, and a distinct lack of intelligence in the Oval Office.

And here's what this election is all about:

Are you better off now than you were four years ago?

(Bush didn't ask THAT at the recent GOP/Nuremberg Convention, did he?)

And while you're at it, ask the families of the 978 DEAD AMERICANS -- the families of those who died for a lie, the families of those who died for a mistake, died for an egotistical hard-on by the most radical assholes in American history.

And don't tell me you're a Conservative. A conservative would have opposed this shit. A Conservative would have questioned the evidence, questioned the COSTS, questioned the rationale behind yet another American police action in a fucked up bass-ackwards nation that couldn't attack the U.S. by firing RPGs from the backs of donkeys.

===

I noticed that over at Blogcritics, after we spent months and months in daily debates about the war in Iraq, there is suddenly a deafening silence about the war in Iraq.

I know most Americans are sick of hearing about Iraq; it's frustrating; it appears to be an infinite drain on lives and resources, a Vietnam-like quagmire pit from which we'll never emerge victorious -- but that's no excuse. You need to pay as much attention as the parents who hear the doorbell and see two mournful military officials standing on their front porch.

Tired of Iraq? Sick of bad news?

TOUGH FUCKING SHIT.

You need to pay attention to our "military strategy" -- how we won't enter a 'mosque' (a holy site for a bunch of ignorant, deeply 'religious' motherfuckers who were the first to practice Bush's "faith-based initiatives" --- see those Twin Towers going down? That's 'faith based' -- you fucking idiots!) -- even though that same 'holy site' harbors a stockpile of weapons and a small army of murderous house-apes who kill American GIs at will.

You need to pay attention to that -- especially if you're one of those blind assholes who denies any similarity to Vietnam. ("We could have won if they would have let us. That will never happen again!" Yeah. Remember that shit? Motherfucking hypocrites.)

So what's up with that?

Viet.

Nam.

Lost.

Cause.

Iraq.

Bush the Commander in Chief -- (who never mentions "bin Laden" anymore.)

Bush, who aspires to a Higher Authority -- whose only goal is to drive the world toward his Book of Revelation-inspired Armageddon so he can feel the rapture and abandon the Oval Office for a front row seat in Heaven.

Iraq. Yeah, we have a year-and-a-half perspective; Let's hear some overall analysis from the Neo-Con dickheads.

Ill-advised militaristic BULLSHIT.

...make that "Bush-Shit".

And you really need to pay attention, especially if you were part of the Garrulous Right-Wing that was constantly telling us that there was really a reason to invade Iraq, that things were getting better, that they would continue to get better, and that after we turned over "sovereignty", things would be fucking hunky-dory.

You need to pay attention, because half a dozen Americans have died in the last few days. They're acting as 'police' in a couple of medieval cities in Iraq, and they're being picked off like fucking fruit flies.

And now I'll pay attention, 'cause I want to hear some Right Wing, Bush-loving motherfucker tell me about Iraq, what a good thing it is, how it's getting better, and how we're ever going to get out of this thing.

I want to hear that from the handful of "Moderate" speakers they could round up for the upcoming Republican Convention.

And I want to hear it from you -- the people who spent the last year and a half arguing that Iraq was an honorable endeavor.

I'm all ears, motherfuckers.

New Bush Ad: Kerry Eats Babies and Rapes Women!

2004-08-28T15:02:00.002-07:00

Location: Underground Bunker at The GOP's Ken Starr Strategic Media Manipulation Center.

President Bush is accompanied by two Secret Service Agents and a pair of marionette handlers wearing Exxon/Mobil flags in their jacket lapels.

The puppeteers tow the President through the titanium doors of the Starr Media Center and drag him down a long hall toward the Presidential Conference Room.

On the way, Bush passes a stainless steel bunker with a large plateglass window; the entourage pauses while the President sticks his nose to the glass and peers inside.

There, attached to millions of wires terminating in a giant computer, is the head of Dick Cheney -- floating in a glowing, greenish liquid inside a large jar and accompanied by Theramin music.

[Label on Jar: "DICK HEAD"]

BUSH: Is that a lava lamp?

AIDE: No sir, that’s... um... that’s your "Daddy".

BUSH: [knocking on glass] God! Yaweh! DUDE! Hey Big Guy, it's me!

AIDE: No sir, not that one. The other one. The most important one...

BUSH: Kenny Boy! Hey, Kenny-Boy, got any stock tips for your ol' pal?!

AIDE: No sir, not that one either; and... um, sir.... about that Kenny-Boy -- listen sir, you just need to forget about him.

BUSH: Kenny Boy? Why?

AIDE: Well, sir, it's election time -- and a few years ago, his old company bankrupted half the retirement funds in the country, helped wreck the economy, and highlighted what a rigged system we've got set up for the rich and the corporations they run. So even though he was the main advisor for the Vice President's Energy Plan, he's off "The List".

BUSH: The list?

AIDE: Yes sir, it's all about lists. See, anytime somebody goes from the "Top Advisor and Campaign Contributor" list over to "Recently Indicted" list, we just forget we ever knew them. We don't mention them, Mr. President, and hope everybody else forgets as well...

BUSH: Oh, I see. If they go from the Lincoln Bedroom to a prison cell, we just forget they ever existed, right?

AIDE: Yes sir, that's correct. The slightest hint of criminal activity from your staff, friends, advisors, or CEO cronies -- just hit the "Erase Button" in your mind.

[AIDE #2 holds up a copy of "My Pet Goat" -- points at cover, nods head and smiles]

BUSH: Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately, eh? So what about folks like my brother Neil?

AIDE: (winks, nudges Bush, jerks string) ...Who?

BUSH: (deer-in-headlights-look for a few seconds until he realizes the gist of the joke) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it: Neil who? Hah. Forget it. It's erased. My mind is a blank.

[Bush stares at "My Pet Goat" for a few long, uncomfortable moments]

AIDE: Good sir. Your "Daddy Dick" in the lava lamp will be glad to hear that. He loves it when you keep your mind blank.

Giant floating, dismembered Dick Head smiles that crooked smirk and nods head to side to indicate "take him away".

Puppeteers jerk on strings and Bush's feet lift off the ground a few inches. The President waves at "Dick Head", makes a goofy face, and sticks out his tongue.

Dick Head rolls eyes and shakes his 'head'.

Bush and entourage continue into Media Room, where they're seated at a conference table in front of a giant flat-screen HD TV monitor.

BUSH: [Turns to a valet in vaudeville costume and blackface makeup] Hey McCain! Bring me some coffee.

WAITER: Cream and sugar, sir?

BUSH: Fine. Now hurry.

WAITER: Yessir. [exits kowtowing]

KARL ROVE: Mr. President, we've finished putting together Stealth Smear TV Ad Version 2.0 -- once again financed by your Republican fishin' buddies in Texas.

MEDIA CONSULTANT#1: Yeah, he did those Unfit for Command ads...

BUSH: Great stuff, but don't you think it's time we kick it up a notch? Get to those "Kerry killed babies and raped women" ads?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Yes sir. We've got a great act to follow the "Swift Boat Vets Against Kerry."

BUSH: oh goody. What is it?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Mr. President, at first, we thought we'd do a "Girls Gone Wild For Kerry" video -- y'know... for late night cable viewers -- lots of tits, really immoral shit, nudity, insults to family values... that sort of thing.

KARL ROVE: ...but that didn't work out.

BUSH: What happened?

KARL ROVE: Well, we sent Newt Gingrich and Jimmy Swaggart out to do some initial reseach -- and they never came back. We lost two good allies and a camera crew.

BUSH: Fuck. So we can't hit Kerry on his anti-Christian, anti-family values shit...? Goddammit...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Oh, not to worry, Mr. President. We came up with an even better idea; next week we're going to unveil the "Vietnamese Rape and Murder Victims Against Kerry".

BUSH: ahahah! What a great sounding organization! Catchy title!

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: And there's a book to go with it! It's called "Unfit For Anything but Hell"!

BUSH: hah. So are they really Vietnamese? Were they really raped and murdered by Kerry?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: [laughs] Ah, who gives a shit! All we do is air the accusations. A bored national media will turn anything we say into a feeding frenzy.

KARL ROVE: heh. We just chum the water, and let Drudge, Rush, FOX News, and our massive army of secretly funded bloggers do the rest.

BUSH: ...Like a Shark!

KARL ROVE: Oh god! Please not to mention that name!

MEDIA CONSULTANT#2: Suffice it to say that using our "chum" imagery, our right-wing talking heads, manipulators, and commentators are analogous to a top-of-the-food-chain, water-borne predator...

KARL ROVE: ...And dozens of lies about Kerry's past are like little bloody hunks of meat we toss off the Ship of State... heh.

BUSH: Okay. I don't know what the hell you're talkin' 'bout...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: That's fine, nevermind... anyway, all we do is air the accusations and let them take on a life of their own! The public are generally too stupid and easily distracted to dig for the truth in the matter, so all we do is keep trotting out complicated scenarios of corruption and evil on Kerry's part.

KARL ROVE: Kerry spends the entire pre-election period putting out fires about his past...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Remember "...I didn't inhale"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2:That was ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Remember "Rhodes Scholar and Commie Traitor Draft-Dodger"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1:Remember "TravelGate"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Vince Foster?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Same team.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Whitewater?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Our masterpiece...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: And remember Monica?

BUSH: No! That wasn't yours too, was it?!

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: [laughs] Well, not ALL ours; we had some help there: a bunch of Viagra and access to the White House Chef. [smiles, gives high five to Consultant #1]

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: And Ken Starr kicked ass!

[They all pause, bow their heads, cross themselves, and have a moment of rapt silence]

[Finally...]

BUSH: Ah, I love campaigning. I love fighting for freedom, democracy, and...

KARL ROVE: ....the ultra-rich.

BUSH: ...Yeah, whatever you say, Karl...

============

Shark's Daily Olympic Rant

2004-08-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

My daily commentaries on THE event of the season (never mind Iraq, we're losing so that's off the News Radar) THE 2004 ATHENS OLYMPICS will be appearing daily over at Blogcritics.org

I don't wanna pollute this area with any more rants about Satan's Bride, Katie Couric, (I get shudders just typin' her name!) so I'll be adding my daily rants over there instead.

Besides, I'm too tired to do double duty posting this morning.

xxoo
Your Host

REVIEW: Olympic Opening Ceremony

2004-08-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, my quick take, sans pointed satire:

OVERALL SHOW -

Great stuff. I thought it was like Fellini meets Salvador Dali!

I kept expecting the Pope to ride out on roller skates ala the Ecumenical Fashion Show scene from "Roma"!

And what a nice impersonalized 'Blade Runner' look -- what with the gigantic projected morphing faces on the dismembered body parts! Great homage to and inkling of the upcoming 21st century!

SYMBOLISM EXPLAINED: Floating over a world flooded with H20... The perfect, greek god body of Humankind will eventually be dismembered by radical Islam, American Imperialism, corporate Commericalism, and lots of water thanks to global warming. (Ahh, can't wait!) Human Love (Eros) will come with strings attached, controlled by a mysterious invisible computer somewhere in Heaven.

Additional comment: I thought the PREGNANT WOMAN with the back-lighted alien baby bulge was kinda scary. ...What happens if "Rosemary's Baby" is conceived at Chernobyl? Wow. More multi-level symbolism for the 21st century!

NBC's DIRECTING - Somebody PULL BACK on the fucking Close-Ups, will ya!!

I'd say 80% of the effect of that 'diorama parade' was MISSING thanks to a director who was either too tight or too loose on the camera shots. The artistry of those 'floats' was lost most of the time, cut-off by shots that were too tight. I'd rather see the whole thing, floor to ceiling, than some extreme close up of a Greek dude in pancake makeup. Spend millions of dollars and hours on the things, and then some smash-cut fuckup at NBC allocates 1.5 seconds for the audience to see 'em. Whoops! Just got the tail end of the entire history of early Greece. See that butt disappearing off screen? Alexander the Great.

Katie: He was in the first Olympics, but apparently he didn't do so hot.
Costas: He was probably called, "Alexander the Not-so-great". heha.
Katie: Can we get a rim-shot? hehe.

BJORK

Good gawd, what's wrong with you people!? This shit passes for talent?

Bjork. What's she famous for? A swan dress. Yeah, in the world of ballet, she would have just been another wannabee, some obscure extra destined to fetch coffee and give blow-jobs between bouts of bulimia. But no, not in the world of POP COMMERCE. No, she's almost as famous as that Irish chick with the burr haircut who tore up a picture of the Pope!

Bjork, schmork. What can I say about her alleged 'song' (I use the term loosely) and her alleged 'performance'?

Suffice it to say that Suicide Intervention Hot-Lines lit up all over the world during her five minutes of overexposure.

I haven't been that depressed since the time I heard an Enya song in Dr. Kervorkian's waiting room.

Anwyay, it would have been more interesting if she would have had a 'costume malfunction' -- but then again -- we wouldn't have gotten a glimpse of the planet earth in satin.

nnnnnn.... wake me... zzzzzzzzzzzzz.... if she finds the melody... then you can pry this pistol out of my paws.

THE COMMERCIALS

NBC obviously figured that the opening ceremonies would be, as they say in PORNO movies, the Money Shot, so they obviously wanted to cram a few thousand commercials into as little time as possible. (Hopefully, the first four hours, which is the ONLY time anyone actually gives a shit.)

When the last beautiful note of a particular section finished, WHAM! -- a digital dog dancing for Kibbles. (...Sorta like at classic music concerts when the last profound lingering note fades -- and the composer was hoping the audience would settle into at least a few precious SILENT seconds of contemplation or epiphany -- when that 3% of yer typical audience members who want to be THE FIRST to applaud don't even let the echo die after the last note before they start whackin' their fins together like a herd of walrus on crack.)

Note: I rarely take a weapon to these events just because of the potential lapses in manners of my fellow semi-domesticated primates.

THE COMMENTARY

Jeesus, I'd rather have a molten gold, silver, and bronze enema than spend three hours listening to Katie (Satan Incarnate) Couric and "Mr. Insightful for Dummies", Bob Costas. I'm surprised Katie didn't do one of her trademark stories on some recently deceased person:

Katie: "The man playing the satyr, Oespidicus Piticusiosus, is a Greek actor who recently lost his only child in a construction accident very near here. I interviewed him yesterday shortly after rehearsals."

{cut to "Up Close & Personal Tape"}

Katie (to Mr. Piticusiosus): Sir, you found your child dead and beheaded. I know it's tough for you, but... WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE? Can you describe your feelings when you held that bloody, headless body in your arms? I'd imagine it was quite a difficult moment. Describe it..."

[hopefully, America squirts a few -- thinking what a sensitive 'journalist' Katie is.]

I hope that if Hell exists, Katie Couric gets to spend eternity looking up at the bare, cloud-covered feet of the many dead she exploited in her career.

(Whew. Did I say that?)

Anyway, back to the COMMENTARY:

So here's a tip, not just for future Opening Ceremonies, but for the upcoming gymnastics too. When there is visual art onscreen -- accompanied by appropriate music --

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

'kay?

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Katie: ...That's a really complicated set up.
Costas: ...Yes, that's a really complicated set up. Must have taken a lot of work.
Katie: ...Yeah, a lot of work. Lots.
Bob: ..Uh-huh. ...A whole lot.
Katie: ...Oh, that's Eros... the god of love.
Costas: Heh... I wonder if he uses Trojans. hehe.
Katie: Oh, Bobbbbb. Tee hee.

Oh, and did I mention to the upcoming COMMENTATORS for Gymnastics?

... when somebody is doing their thing to music, you don't have to say,

"She's about to do a double entendre flip with a lemon twist -- which she failed to do in practice -- and I know her mother is watching -- yes, there's a close-up of her waving the flag with tears in her eyes..."

In other words, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, it's good to know that in these troubled times, we can put down our differences, racial hatred, and religious animosity -- to come together, to become the perfect target for murderous militant terrorists -- and to celebrate human skill, speed, grace, endurance, ingenuity with steriods, and gross examples of Nationalistic Ethnocentricities.

It's nice to know that every four years, the world can assemble in one place to hear fat, ugly, obnoxious Americans chant:

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

U - S - A!

More "Fish In a Barrel"

2004-08-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

For the first time during his three years in office, President George W. Bush spoke the truth.

"...Thursday's grapple with grammar came during the White House signing ceremony for a defense appropriation bill. The money is crucial, President Bush said, to make sure the nation spends what's needed on military pay, equipment and benefits.

Why?

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Unfortunately, White House spokesman Scott McClellan couldn't hold onto the attempt at a new indoor record for the Bush Administration, so he later lied to reporters by saying:

"The American people know this president speaks with clarity and conviction, and the terrorists know by his actions he means it."

Darn. I knew it couldn't last.

Al Qaeda Endorses BUSH

2004-08-07T05:18:00.000-07:00

A lot of famous white-collar criminals have been big supporters of President George W. Bush, (Ken Lay, et al), but the latest criminal to get behind our "Anti-Terror" President is more of a 'white-turban' kinda guy.

Apparently, Bin Laden is pulling for Bush -- and Al Qaeda is one of the President's biggest supporters.

In an article called "The Terrorist Net" (Aug. 2 issue of The New Yorker Magazine), author Lawrence Wright writes:

[four days after the train bombing in Spain] "...the Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigade, a group claiming affiliation with Al Qaeda, sent a bombastic message to the London newspaper Al-Quds al-Arabi, avowing responsibility for the train bombings.

"Who turn will it be next?" the authors taunt. "Is it Japan, America, Italy, Britain, Saudi Arabia, or Australia?"

The message also addressed the speculation that the terrorists would try to replicate their political success in Spain by disrupting the November U.S. elections.

"We are very keen that Bush does not lose the upcoming elections," the authors write. Bush's "idiocy and religious fanaticism" are useful, the authors contend, for they stir the Islamic world."

=== end of NY Mag excerpt ===

Bush still claims that he's the best man to fight terrorism, further polarize the world, and push the planet to the brink of Armageddon, and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak agrees; he said of Bush's ill-advised invasion of Iraq for non-existent weapons of mass destruction:

"Instead of having one (Osama) bin Laden, we will have 100 bin Ladens."

A recent claim by the London-based International Institute for Strategic Studies (IISS) estimates the war in Iraq has spurred "...a sharp increase in the membership of al-Qaeda, who now number around 18,000."

Consider other "costs" from the war in Iraq: (from a speech by Katrina vanden Heuvel, July 30, 2004)

"...20,000 US troops have had their tours of duty extended. Redeployment has been met with widespread anger among military families and active-duty personnel.

--A majority of US troops report low morale. The military is stretched thin, seriously thin. There is talk of reviving the draft.

**Consider the mounting costs in blood and money.

* More than 900 US troops have died since Bush declared "the end of major combat" in his infamous "mission accomplished' speech in may 2003. Another ugly landmark was passed early this week--the 10,000 wounded mark. Imagine--over 10,000 wounded Americans in a war our military and political leadership now say may last years. The costs to the Iraqi people have also been tragic. Over 11,000 Iraqi civilians have died in conflict so far--many of them children.

* The United States has already spent some $126 billion on the war, costing every American family about $3400 each. As the camp for am's future has pointed out, this admin has socked it to hardworking families on two fronts--Bush passed his massive tax cuts that gave a huge break to the wealthiest individuals and corporations, and then when he went to war, Bush asked the same working and middle class families who bore the brunt of the tax cuts to pay for the conflict. Meanwhile contract cronies masquerading as companies like halliburton are making a killing in Iraq after receiving no bid contracts from the federal government.

*For the $152 billion Congress has allocated for the war, the United States could have provided healthcare for 27 million Americans --or we could have spent the $151 million on food for half the hungry people in the world for two years; plus a comprehensive global aids program plus clean water for all in the developing world; plus childhood immunizations for every child in the developing world; or we could have committed to helping the middle east create the 100 million jobs it will need over next 15 years just to keep up with the youthful populations--thus addressing the root causes of instability in this turbulent world. America could once again become a source of hope and use its power in constructive, intelligent ways..."

== end of excerpt ==

Apparently, Bush and bin Laden have a lot in common:

Along with the fact that they're both helping to encourage new recruits for Al Qaeda, they're also bankrupting the US Treasury and getting thousands of innocent people killed for no good reason.

In addition, they're both fundamentalist religious fanatics, although the names of their Imaginary Wrathful Head Cats differ: "God" is on Bush's side, while "Allah" has decided to team up with bin Laden's. They both long for a clash of civilizations, a duel to the death, and the victory of the True Believers over the Infidels.

Despite all this, George W. Bush says he's the best man for The Job (whatever that is?!) and that the invasion of Iraq WAS NOT, as an anonymous CIA agent stated, "A Christmas gift to bin Laden".

It now appears that the invasion of Iraq was a wonderful gift to bin Laden. A fruitcake have been better, but that would have meant sending Dick Cheney to some cave in Afghanistan.

Tom Ridge Defines His Job

2004-08-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

Tom Ridge: "We don't do politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify the threat."

Maybe he should just hold up a "WANTED" poster of the entire Bush Cabinet.

YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALONE?!

2004-08-05T01:30:00.000-07:00

Gawd bless Howard Dean, apparenty the only Dem with the balls to Rage Against the Machine, question the Bullshit, and speak the Truth.

-- Excerpt below --

"I am concerned that every time something happens that's not good for President Bush, he plays this trump card, which is terrorism," Howard Dean...told Wolf Blitzer on CNN.

"His whole campaign is based on the notion that 'I can keep you safe, therefore at times of difficulty for America stick with me,' and then out comes Tom Ridge," Dean, the former Vermont governor, added, referring to the homeland security secretary. "It's just impossible to know how much of this is real and how much of this is politics, and I suspect there's some of both in it."

-- end of excerpt --

I miss Howard Dean. I wish he were running instead of Kerry. And after watching the "don't be negative" love-fest/Democratic convention, it would be a breath of fresh air to see Dean screaming, "Fuck Bush, fuck his God, fuck his facist buddies, fuck 'the family', fuck patriotism, fuck Iraq, fuck Cheney, and FUCK YOU!"

... Cause that's sorta how I feel at this point.

(Other than that, have a nice day.)

=================

Also posted at Blogcritics -- so you can check out the opinions of your fellow Americans.

You're Safer, But You Could Die. ...Go Figure.

2004-08-05T01:28:00.000-07:00

DATE: Sunday, August 1, 2004
PLACE: Orwell's Nightmare (aka "Bush's America")

Make no mistake; these cynical Republican bastards will win the election in November '04. After today's little stunt, there is no doubt about it. Anyone who opposes them is just pissin' in the wind.

They will hold onto power by hook or crook. (Probably crook.) They not only own the building, the room, and the table -- but they own the deck, stack the cards to their liking, and deal them at their leisure.

Gloom, doom, and paternalistic authoritarian reassurances.

(A slap followed by a pat on the head.)

"Daddy! Don't go!"

Today, we witnessed yet another 'preemptive' strike by the Bush administration, a 20 minute nationally televised campaign commercial for Bush, delivered via our esteemed Director of Homeland Security, that combination of Barney Fife and Hermann Goring, Tommy Ridge, whose job seems to be a unique combination of scaring the American public into voting Republican -- while assuring us at the same time.

"You could die, but you're so much safer. They're going to attack, but keep shopping."

Um, and there WERE weapons of mass destruction.

Welcome to marketing in the Kingdom of Fear.

And this is only the first in a series of nationally televised (terror alert) commercials that you'll be seeing over the next few months.

-- Excerpts Below --

RIDGE: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. [yeah, and have a nice fucking day, eh?] President Bush has told you, and I have reiterated the promise, [we don't lie!] that when we have specific credible information that we will share it. This afternoon we do have new and unusually specific information about where al-Qaida would like to attack.

And as a result, today the United States government is raising the threat level to Code Orange for the financial services sector in New York City, northern New Jersey and Washington, D.C.

[...]

...Now, this is the first time we have chosen to use the Homeland Security Advisory System in such a targeted way. Compared to previous threat reporting, these intelligence reports have provided a level of detail that is very specific.

The quality of this intelligence, based on multiple reporting streams in multiple locations, is rarely seen, and it is alarming in both the amount and specificity of the information. Now, while we are providing you with this immediate information, we will also continue to update you as the situation unfolds.

As of now, this is what we know: Reports indicate that al-Qaida is targeting several specific buildings, including the International Monetary Fund and World Bank in the District of Columbia, Prudential Financial in northern New Jersey, and Citigroup buildings and the New York Stock Exchange in New York.

Let me assure you -- let me reassure you, actions to further strengthen security around these buildings are already under way. Additionally, we're concerned about targets beyond these and are working to get more information about them.

[...]

Now, senior leadership across the Department of Homeland Security, in coordination with the White House, the CIA, the FBI and other federal agencies have been in constant contact with the governors, the mayors and the homeland security advisers of the affected locations I've just named.

But we must understand that the kind of information available to us today is the result of the president's leadership in the war against terror, the reports that have led to this alert are the result of offensive intelligence and military operations overseas, as well as strong partnerships with our allies around the world, such as Pakistan...

=== end of Newspeak excerpt ===

"...we must understand that the kind of information available to us today is the result of THE PRESIDENT'S LEADERSHIP in the war against terror..."

Got that, America? Clear enough for ya? Is "Read My Lips" too explicit?

"...the reports that have led to this alert are the result of offensive intelligence and military operations overseas..."

Offensive. Preemptive.
Overseas. Iraq.

Got it, America? Do you need me to repeat it?

Don't worry, it'll be repeated. Over and over and over.

These motherfuckers will stop at nothing to hold onto power.

Nothing.

Top Secret GOP Convention Plans!

2004-08-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a few well-placed bribes (aka "Lobbying efforts"), inside informants, and some stealth volunteer work by yours truly, I've been able to get my hands on the highly secret overall plan for the upcoming GOP Convention. It's a remarkable document that shows the minute-by-minute scheduling of what promises to be one of the greatest parties since Albert Speer lit up the sky that night in Nuremberg.

There is nothing particularly controversial about the things in this secret document, but one thing it makes explicit: the Bush people might not know how to plan an occupation of a conquered nation in the Middle East, but they sure know how to plan a big bash.

Enjoy,
SHARK

==============

GOP CONVENTION SCHEDULE
(FOR YOUR EYES ONLY! Destroy after use! If asked about contents,
pull the old "national security" bit like we did on the 9/11 testimony; hey, it worked!)

NOTE to Madison Square Garden Staff:

* make sure all concessions have changed the following signs:

-- "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries"
-- "Hot Links" to "Liberal Weinies"
-- "Hot Black Coffee" to "Warm Inclusive Drinks of Color"
-- "Men's Restroom" to "Heterosexual Males"
-- "Women's Restroom" to "Supportive Wives and Stay-at-Home-Moms"

BEFORE national TV coverage begins:

* check inventory of flags, size 38 thru 60, required for all speakers to wrap themselves in;

* pass out "no-bid" Iraq contract applications to all attendees who are rich business owners, ie. all of them;

* announce that "inclusive" GOP look will include many pesky minorities who have been given front row seating in sight-line of TV cameras only for the duration of national network coverage -- and will be moved to appropriate spots in back of auditorium before and after said coverage begins; apologize for the inconvenience;

* announce that any donors of $100,000 or more will be given special tour of backstage cages to pet, feed, and visit with Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, and Tom Delay. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow them out of their cages during TV coverage! You all know what can happen when Buchanan speaks!?)

CONVENTION SCHEDULE

Opening Prayer - by Reverend Billy Graham

All-Black choir sings "God Bless America"

COLIN POWELL's Powerpoint presentation proving Democrats have weapons of mass destruction hidden in their headquarters. He ends on slide showing New Axis of Evil, which lists Iran, North Korea, and the "blue states".

Cut to: VIDEO FEED of Osama Bin Laden from an unknown cave in Pakistan; he praises John Kerry as an American Patriot and declares that he fully supports Kerry; vows death to all Republican males over the age of 12. Ends by singing an Arab version of "Johnny B. Goode".

WILLIAM BENNETT speech on "Loss of Morals in America" -- (btw: Vegas odds are 2 to 1 that it will go over the 20 minute time limit)

DICK CHENEY lectures on "Civility in American Politics" (Note: urge networks to use 15 second delay just in case he tells Democrats to 'go fuck yourself'. If that's not possible, have them get in touch with Justene at BLOGCRITICS.org and have her trigger finger surgically attached to the 'delete' button.)

All-Hispanic Choir sings "God Bless America" (in ENGLISH only, goddammit! This is a "One Language Under God" nation!) (Note: make sure the choir returns to their convention center janitorial jobs before lights-out! And don't let them steal their gowns, they're known for that kind of thing!)

RUSH LIMBAUGH gives an update on Bush's success in "The War on Drugs". Also points out that Afghanistan is so safe that he'll volunteer to go there to do inventory of current poppy crop. (Note: He's scheduled so early because he has to return to rehab by 9:00 p.m.)

LAURA INGRAHAM, author of "Shut Up and Sing" gives speech on the evil, unfair influence and advantage of Hollywood liberals in the American political process.

LAURA INGRAHAM then introduces Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger... of Hollywood.

The "GOVERNATOR" gives speech entitled, "Republican Inclusiveness and the Role of Women in the GOP" (Editing Note: please have him change "grope and fondle" to "reach out to...") (Note to Convention Security: Keep him away from the Bush twins!)

NEWT GINGRICH gives speech entitled "Maintaining the Sacred Sanctity of Marriage" (Note: can we find alternative seating for his fourth wife somewhere off-stage?)

All-Asian Choir sings, "God Bless America" while bowing and kowtowing in time to the music.

FILM PRESENTATION: show 5 minute clip of George W. Bush landing on USS Lincoln in flight suit. (Note: please digitally remove the "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.) Add collage of "Dead or Alive" speech, and "Bring 'em on!" remarks. (Note: do we have rights secured for Morricone soundtrack to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" yet? If problem, try for "High Noon" or "Star Wars Theme" -- John Williams? On our side, or just another fag Hollywood composer?)

All-Jewish Choir sings "God Bless America" lyrics to "Hava-Nageelah" music performed by The Wolfowitz Family Band, featuring Paul on the Freshly Licked Comb.

Commercial Break: 30 minute program of 1 minute video spots provided by the Pharmaceutical Industry, the NRA, HMO Administrator's Association, Exxon/Mobil, Wal-Mart, CityBank, NYSE, Halliburton, ClearChannel, Disney, Shearson-Lehman Brothers, et. al.

Light-Hearted Funny Musical Skit with entire Supreme Court singing, "I Got No Strings" from Disney's Pinnocchio, with choreography by Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, and Oil Industry representatives.

POPE JOHN is lowered onto stage on a wheelchair atop a gigantic, winged canned ham; he performs medieval ceremony that canonizes the late Ronald Reagen as the Patron Saint of Naps; then lip-syncs a pre-recorded speech warning against the evils of feminism, abortion, working moms, birth control pills, women who vote -- and how uppity women are destroying the value of the nuclear family. He wraps it up by asserting that an entire life spent living among brooding closeted homosexual men, an 80-some odd year celibacy, and the fact that he's never been within spitting distance of a woman OR a nuclear family gives him a huge amount of authority to scold the world concerning women and their families. (NOTE to TV camerman: on closeups, the proper "dutch angle" will make the pope's tilted head appear to be perpendicular to the floor. Thanks in advance.)

El PAPA then introduces NANCY REAGAN, who thanks the Pope, who is then resealed in the gigantic winged-Spam can and reascends into a manufactured cloudbank of theater-fog.

CUE special 'spooky' lighting and Theramin music:

NANCY REAGAN dons Astrological robes and channels the spirit of Ronny, who asserts that abortion is evil and that he's no longer interested in stem cell research -- since he's dead. "He" also denies that he's the father of Ron Junior, implicating the late Democratic shill, Frank Sinatra in that regrettable birth. Adds that Ron Junior might be the ONLY moral justification for abortion, but agrees not to pursure it from his spot in the afterlife.

CUE "I Did It My Way" to biographical collage of Reagan's life on Diamond Vision Screen; intercut him in cowboy hat with chain-saw mixed with pictures of George W. in cowboy hat with chain-saw. (Note: During collage, Photoshop out all images of Bonzo the Chimp, Jane Wyman, and Dick Cheney -- for public relations purposes.)

HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR TOM RIDGE gives speech about how much safer America is since George W. Bush took office. Recounts all the actions taken in the 'homeland' for Homeland Security -- such as the invasion of Iraq and the winnowing down of important international allies. (NOTE: delete any references to shipping containers, international ports, nuclear plants, trains, subways, and chemical plants -- just in case the terrorists hit one of the above between now and November; it's always best to be on the safe side when it comes to asserting safety!) Close with line: "Bush makes America Safe!" to coincide with entire audience holding up "Bush Makes America Safe!" signs.

SECRETARY JOHN ASHCROFT once again warns Americans that a terrorist attack on American soil is imminent, implies possibility of cancelling the upcoming election -- but asserts that there's no need to up the "terror alert" color code. He closes with his own song, "The Eagle Flies" -- (NOTE: make sure orchestra knows to transpose score up two octaves! Geez, who knew the guy was a castrotti!?)

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR GALE NORTON will announce that due to various "weather-related problems", Bush has declared all swing-states "natural disaster areas" and has made available interest-free loans to all citizens in those states -- good through November of 04.

Mixed Race Choir sings, "God Bless America" while signing for the deaf.

As yet unidentified "scientist" (to be provided by Exxon/Mobil) will assert that global warming doesn't exist, and that if it does, it's only because there's an imbalance of ozone layers hovering over the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Powerpoint presentation will prove that oil drilling actually reduces ozone problem by balancing the distribution of various non-carcinogenic side products produced by drilling. End with short video of Arab dressed in full bedouin regalia laughing and mockingly pointing at camera while drinking large glass of fresh oil.

Short Funny Musical Skit - starring the once-funny Dennis Miller dressed up as Paul Bunyan; he performs a song, "A Forest Is Healthier When You Cut It Down." (Note: Radio City Music Hall Rockettes will be dancing trees that happily tumble under Bunyan's singing chain-saw. Music accompaniment provided by Ted Nugent, choreography by Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, with special assistance by ex-Reagan Secretary of Interior James Watt.)

Billy Graham returns to introduce "God" (Charlton Heston) -- who appears on the gigantic digital Diamond-Vision screen via a live video feed from his hospital bed; surrounded by a fake cloud produced by a fog machine, "He" announces that George W. Bush has been specially chosen to lead the free world toward Armageddon, and then Heston reads from "The Book of Revelations". (Note: while he holds the Bible, hang his matchlock rifle from his IV tube stand; Chas has never been a multi-tasker!)

-Short Break for-

RECORDED MUSIC INTERLUDE (Note: Tell all six Log Cabin Republicans in the far upper deck that there's NO DANCING allowed! Many Southern Baptists are present (approx. 88% of conventioneers)

* "God Bless the USA" - by Lee Greenwood

* "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" - by Toby Keith; accompanied by Diamond Screen display of lyrics "You'll be sorry you messed with the U.S. of A -- cuz we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way!" -- while showing collage of dead Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians that morphs into a 3-D spinning technicolor globe showing Toby aiming pointy cowboy boot at western Europe.

* "Fry a Dixie Chick In Hell" - by Donny & Marie Osmond

(Followeed by SHORT BREAK to allow everyone to catch their breaths -- and VP Dick Cheney to check his pacemaker.)

MEL GIBSON will be wheeled out spread-eagle and attached (via fake nails) to a gigantic golden Oscar statue. He'll "break" the nails, toss off the bloody crown of thorns, and descend to the podium -- where he'll speak on "Hollywood's Lack of Support for Faith-Based Films"

-- Gibson will close with a prayer (in Latin)

(Note: Diamond-Vision disclaimer will read:

"This isn't Latin, folks, and he's not Catholic; he's Pentacostal and is speaking in tongues!"

-- after which MEL GIBSON will introduce...

REV. JERRY FALWELL - who will deliver speech on the evils of the Taliban, Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia -- and the danger posed when governments support fundamentalist religious fanatics. He'll then introduce...

RALPH REED - who will speak on the importance of Bush's ties to American fundamentalist religious fanatics; he'll close with a summary of the billions of dollars that have flowed into private partisan religious coffers thanks to Bush's "Faith-Based Initiatives."

Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Mr. Reed will introduce VP Cheney--
who will introduce Laura Bush--
who'll read a short excerpt from "The Pet Goat"--
(apparently, that always gets her husband's attention)
--and then she'll introduce President George W. Bush.

PRESIDENT BUSH (wrapped in the flag) is lowered to stage in a golden winged chariot (courtesy Mercedes) drawn by the Four Horses of the Apocalypse (courtesy Budweiser), accompanied by "We Are the Champions" by Queen (courtesy of Clear Channel). He'll open with a prayer (courtesy Southern Baptist Convention), thanking God for appointing him Master of the Universe, (courtesy of Hanna-Barbera) -- paying special thanks for the Supreme Court (courtesy of Bush, Sr.) -- and beseeching the Lord to protect his brother Jeb and the Diebold programming team from any harm between now and November.

His speech -- the culmination of an entire lifetime of intellectual research, accumulated wisdom, and life-experiences -- will last, oh... about 2 minutes.

Cue "Movin' On Up" theme from the "The Jeffersons" to be blasted over the sound system.

Cue red, white, and blue balloons to fall from ceiling like acid rain.

Bring out the families.

(Note: keep that Cheney dyke off camera if possible. Put her and the Bush twins near the back (remember the "tongue sticking-out episode"?), but not TOO near each other; the dyke might remember the "tongue episode" too! -- and you know how those lebians are: they can't breed, so they recruit!)

(Hopefully, audience tries to clap in time to "Movin' On Up" music.)

Cue Diamond-Vision collage of Kennedy-Zapruder film, Robert Kennedy lying on floor in California hotel kitchen, National Guard attack at Kent State, Martin Luther King lying dead on hotel balcony -- mixed with extreme close-up of smiling images of Bush, Cabinet members, Supreme Court Justices, and Katherine Harris (courtesy Tammy Faye Bakker Cosmetics Corp).

Diamond-Vision screen: Dissolve to new BUSH/GOP campaign slogan:

"You're Either With Us or Against Us"

Thoughts on the Democrats' Convention

2004-08-05T01:16:00.000-07:00

Well, let's start with Music: that's how I decide most important things -- from my religion to my politics.

(As Bill Hicks once opined, given the choice between partying with a Fundamentalist Christian family listening to Pat Boone -- and a den of devil worshippers bangin' heads to Ozzy, I’d have to go with the devil worshippers, hands down.)

So John Kerry entered to Bruce Springsteen and departed to U-2!? Well, the Dems might be losers, but they've got the best music. No doubt. End of that debate.

BOSTON: Jeez, who knew America had a Revolution 231 years ago, a revolution that began in Boston Harbor and was about Freedom, Democracy, Liberty, Justice, and a deep commitment to a Separation of Church and State? Who knew Boston was home to a daring bunch of Liberal crazies who had the audacity to defy an authoritarian cabal of Conservatives that only wanted to preserve a Monarchy, an Aristocracy, and a few centuries of various religious wars and persecutions waged by violent religious Fundamentalists who thought they had an exclusive on God's Truth? Who knew that people who believed in a government by and for the people were once called liberals, radicals, and unpatriotic traitors? Who knew?

Nice history lesson. Let's hope Americans were paying attention.

STEM-CELL RESEARCH - ahahaha. heh. heh. Ahahahah! Sorry, I can't stop laughing. Ahahah. This is the GOP's "gay marriage" issue.

WHAT?! You're against research that might save millions of lives in the future -- based on some medieval concepts that value a little collection of molecules over the happiness and health of people like... RONALD REAGAN, that god among men who also happens to be a future Saint of the party? What?!"

Yeah, Bush can be smart and logical and compassionate and visionary and say "YES" to Stem-Cell Research, but that means saying "NO" to his looney rich fundamentalist hard-right base. Stem-cell research. Little globs of goo, Yes. Lots of dead people who could have been saved, No. Stem-cell. Gay marriage. Stem-Cell. Ahahahahaha. Ahahahaha. Um, Mr. President, Would you like some more paint to go with that shrinking corner? Ahahahah.

Okay, so much for the biggest laugh of the entire convention: Let's move on:

Now, if one compares the 'FAMILIES' of the Democratic and Republican candidates, Bush and Cheney had better be calling an adoption agency this morning. They can't touch the honesty, integrity, beauty, intelligence, and downright squeeky-clean confidence in the Edwards-Kerry households. Both mens' daughters could probably run for office tomorrow, right after they posed for the cover of Vogue.

And when the camera panned the convention center hall, what did you see? The great and beautiful diversity of America; a rainbow of skin colors, age groups, nationalities, and economic levels: black, white, yellow, red, green, and even gothic pale; young, old, older -- and boomers galore, the generation that was one of the last in America to think they could change the world just by showing up and Doing The Right Thing.

There were Beautiful people, homely people, poor people, middle-class people, yes, and even a few rich people. Teachers, soldiers, nurses, veterans, firefighters, cops, ironworkers, autoworkers, students, Union organizers, a few Hollywood types, but mostly just people without a capital "P". The little people. The workers, not the CEOs. Diversity. Yes! A roomful of tolerant people concerned about their closest neighbors and even total strangers that might be less fortunate. There were Gays. Lesbians. Heathens. Pagans. Christians. Atheists. Jews. Arabs. Environmentalists... No, wait, was that an entire building filled with folks concerned about the earth, the air, the water, the natural beauty of our national lands!? Concerned about the future we'll hand off to our progeny? People who don't think, "Fuck the future, I've got mine..."? People who would rather walk or carpool or ride a bike or invest in some collective creativity and invention now rather than send their kids off to fight and die in another war for a finite resource? Yeah, man, what's not to like? Those are my people, and I'm not alone. I'M not alone! YOU'RE not alone. WE'RE not alone.

I even thought I saw an elderly black woman who appeared to be old enough to remember a grandparent talking about slavery; and when Al Sharpton raised the roof with his speech that recounted a history of oppression followed by liberty, freedom, equality, and accomplishment -- when he spoke of marches and church bombings and then referred to the current strength of African-Americans in the Democratic Party -- well, that elderly black woman, who knew what it was like to be part of the most marginalized race and gender in American history -- she had tears in her eyes, the legitimate kind of moment that gives life to these scripted affairs where we are finally able to encounter the people behind The Abstractions.

TERESA HEINZ - Meet the new "Hillary" for the Right. She's smart, articulate, opinionated, demands intellectual, social, and political equality, and she's strong, in other words, the antithesis to Laura and Lynn. To a liberal, Heinz comes across as the kind of woman to admire, the kind you want in your organization, the kind you want on your team because she'll look you in the eye and tell you the truth; she's got a mind of her own and speaks it without hesitation. To a Conservative, she's yet another uppity woman who wants to talk and act like a man; she's a bleeding heart hypocrite, and the Righteous Right's idea of Satan Incarnate -- which means the Gigantic Right-Wing Smear Machine will make her as important of a target as the Democratic candidates themselves; they know that a smart-ass confident #2 woman gives the GOP the willies. Thing is -- she's equal to the task, so this should be fun.

BARACK OBAMA - Wow. We might have seen the future of the Democratic Party. A young, intelligent, articulate man who just happens to be from a mixed-race marriage and is not afraid to call himself a "liberal". And what's not to like here? Put him next to that ball-less Steppin'-Fetchit Colon Powell and let's compare! With Obama, we witnessed a rising star, a future mover and shaker, a glimmer of hope. Let's just hope he makes it farther than Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and other 'bright lights' of the Democratic Party that were snuffed out way too early.

(Which reminds me of a history trivia question: Why is it the Right has all the assassins? When was the last time "the left" produced a political assassin who combined fanatical insanity with being a decent shot?)

JOHN EDWARDS - handsome, articulate, compassionate, fiercely intelligent; a true Horatio Alger narrative, the kind Americans love, the dirt poor child who becomes a world-class trial lawyer, the David who makes a career by defending other defenseless little Davids against abusive, arrogant, all-powerful Corporate Juggernaut Goliaths. A guy who could have joined a rich law firm, but yet chose to work with the poor and the helpless. That's called Integrity, and it’s something rare in American politics.

JOHN KERRY -- Well, let's hope George Tenet doesn't characterize his speech as a "slam dunk", but he apparently hit one over the Green Monster at Fenway park. He pulled every rhetorical rug out from under the GOP before the battle has even begun. He requisitioned the flag, asserting that it was the property of all Americans. He proved his potential for bravery and leadership in a time of war; he volunteered to go to Nam while W. was guarding the border of Texas from a Mexican invasion. He's got medals to prove it. He produced his "band of brothers", more than a few who've voted Republican most of their lives, but who, thanks to Kerry's bravery and integrity, have been inspired to help see that he leads the country over the next four years.

Kerry took that pesky "patriotic" word away from the GOP, gave it real meaning with real stories of blood, sweat, and sacrifice, and then handed it back to them with a capital "P" that includes all Americans who love their country.

He undermined their ubiquitous "love it or leave it" attitude, pointing out that one is not unpatriotic because one criticizes the President and his actions, but because one tries to intimidate or suppress contrary opinions in a nation dedicated to The Constitution and the Bill of Rights. He reminded the GOP of those two precious documents and talked about what they really say and mean -- which contradicts much of the implicit and explicit crap coming out of so many conservatives mouths in recent years.

He showed that Democrats can be tough, aren't afraid to fight (see, sometimes they even volunteer!) and laid out the big differences in social and economic policies. He made it safe for Democrats to praise the military, to show their patriotism, and to threaten to protect the nation from terrorist attacks. He hinted that he'll out-Right Bush when it comes to Iraq and the military. Ahahah. (Good plan!)

He negated their arguments and attacks before they could even get out of the box; jobs, health care, budget, defense: he set 'em up, knocked 'em down, and completely disarmed virtually every area of attack the GOP had in their play book -- BEFORE the whistle blew to start the game. Slam dunk, home run, check and mate.

And lastly, at the end there, when you see the Kerrys and the Edwards families up there on stage together -- and you think about George and Laura and the twins... and Dick and Lynn and their um... brood... ya gotta ask yourself:

"Who do I like?"

"Who do I trust?"

"Who would I rather be stuck with in an elevator?"

"...For four years?"

No contest.

Martha Stewart: On the Inside

2004-07-17T05:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

5:00 AM - Was awakened by my cell-mate's moaning: she was masturbating with my imported brass candle holder. How tasteless! I haven't masturbated in... well decades! Don't they allow cats in here!? Anyway, I negotiated a trade; my precious candle holder for a few feet of her graying pony tail.

5:30 - Deal completed. I threw in a vanilla-scented candle and she promised to shampoo before cutting.

6:00 - I made my bed; did a "nurse tuck", but was unable to measure neck level fold-down since they wouldn't let me have a ruler in my cell. Settled on 'four-fingers' width and hope that's close enough.

6:15 - Began knitting cell-mate's hair into a taffeta-like coaster. (She puts her soft drink cans on our small wooden "writing desk" and they leave rings!)

6:30 - I perform experiment trying to turn my urine into effective glass cleaner.

6:45 - ...I vant to be alone...

7:00 - Breakfast in the dining hall; silverware was plastic! Centerpiece was a galvanized bucket with no decorations whatsoever! Napkins? Get this: the sleeve of my jumpsuit!!! Fuck that; it's unconstitutional!

Eggs were overdone and apparently NOT from free-range chickens. (I could taste the fear and lack of freedom in them. How awful!) Bacon contained WAY too much grease, but I managed to sneak a few thimblefuls back to my cell; later, I'll try to convert the grease into a decent furniture polish.) I also swiped some aluminum foil, which I'll beat thin, try to color using shoe polish and lipstick, and then install in our cell window to simulate stained glass. It could work.

7:30 - Half-hour in exercise yard; most fellow inmates are lifting weights, smoking cigarettes, or discussing American Idol. I do some yoga, meditate in half-lotus, and imagine myself floating over the prison wall in a yacht. Overheard rowdy biker women planning a jail break; apparently, they'll stuff Tampons into the toilets, and when the water system overflows, they'll use that as a diversion and climb out through the roof.

8:00 - I'm allowed my daily phone call; spoke briefly to my stockbroker; told him to dump my holdings in Prison Management, Inc. due to inside information regarding upcoming plumbing disaster and ensuing public relations problems. Instructed him to buy big into Roto-Rooter. He agreed to destroy any emails relative to trade. (Hope he's not a lying, sniveling bastard turn-coat like that last little prick! Note to self: can pipe bombs be aesthetically pleasing? Do they have to be that hideous grey metal, or are other colors of pipe available? Google during library pass.)

8:30 - 10:45 - Contemplated suicide; considered a number of ways to die and still look presentable. Was distracted by that short piece of hair that constantly falls down over my eyes. Will consider cutting it and/or my wrist unless they give me some decent stationary to write on. (My apologies for writing this on toilet paper; not only is it degrading, but it's the SCRATCHY kind! --See not above re. scratchy TP as cruel and unusual punishment!)

10:45 - ...I vant to be alone...

11:00 - Fixed brunch for entire cell block using sauteed rats and roach canapes. (Saved skins; rat pelts might make a nice gift once winter arrives; tiny coozies? Gloves? Muffler? Consider converting more urine for hide tanning) Table centerpiece for brunch was made from my cell-mate's extra jump suit; fake orange carnations, orange roses, and orange day-lillies. It was spectacular, but could have used a different color from the same family of hues. Note: Petition warden for some soft pastels; (emphasize calming, non-violent nature of pink jump suits?)

12:00 - Went to library; read latest issue of my magazine. Please buy my magazine! (Began planning essay for next issue; title: "I'll Be Back!" -- has that been used before? Sounds familiar. Must check with copyright lawyer; don't need any more legal problems at the moment!)

12:30 - Had a BM; not a bad BM, but not as good as the BM's at home (see "scratchy TP" mentioned above!); the prison diet has definitely brought on a return of my constant and chronic constipation. Stress will do that, or at least that's what I read in an article in my magazine. Note to self: Ask warden for a bidet; I'll even pay for it!)

1:00 - Bribed cell-mate to allow me to slice a few inches of fat off her thigh for later conversion into moisturizing lotion for my crepe neck. Will melt it down after "lights out".

2:00 - Watched Oprah's show; had a story about my rise from poverty to riches, followed by touching tale of an overweight blind female dwarf who overcame disabilities and is currently top-rated NASCAR driver. Oprah has apparently bought the rights to her story and will produce upcoming film for distribution in '06.

3:00 - Begin writing a screenplay depicting my entire Horatio Alger-like life. Got stuck on Act II, where I have to justify my obsession with Quality and my deal with that shit-house purveyor of imported schlock, K-Mart. Will shelve for later.

4:00 - Nap time; listened to Yanni on my IPOD. (Note to self: Sleep doesn't come easy in such a situation; find some Billy Joel tunes ASAP!)

5:00 - Recreation Room - I gave impromptu seminar; spoke to fellow inmates on "Tapping Your Inner Bitch" -- gave them a copy of my magazine, Machiavelli's The Prince, and a biography of Joan of Arc. Agreed to start book discussion group and talk about similarities between me and various Catholic Saints.

6:00 - Got a visit from Larry King; fucker wants to interview me IN MY CELL! I agreed -- IF he can persuade warden to allow us to commission artist to paint 360 degree mural of Connecticut landscape -- and get my roommate sent to execution chamber. That's not too much to ask, is it?

6:30 - ...I vant to be alone...

7:00 - Dinner. Egg sandwich, onion rings, and pinto beans. Eggs were same old same old, onion rings were the frozen kind, and the pintos appeared to be of the dried variety. I'll be farting my ass off tonight. Should be a long evening, but it might persuade my roommate to petition for a move. She could do that -- or I can have her whacked. Hmm. Life's full of tough choices. What's a Domestic Diva to do?

Sorry. I've been missing...

2004-06-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry, kids. I've had two problems lately:

1) vacation - you know how vacations are; you spend some time relaxing, enjoying the environment, and looking thru local want ads and wondering if you can REALLY survive in a cardboard box on the nearby beach. Then you return to "normal" life and realize that all of it is 99% absurd when compared to the sound of the ocean and an infinite sky.

2) Rain, thunderstorms, etc. - In Texas, for a few million years, June has been hot and sunny -- around 96 degrees and dry as a bone. This June, 18 of 28 days it has been raining and thundering. Seriously, the End is Near. Water was about a half inch below my garage 'entrance level' last night. Got 3 inches around noon and another 3 inches around sunset.

Anyway, gotta run -- I swear ta gawd I hear thunder again!

xxoo
Shark

PS: My best line: standing on the edge of the Gulf of Mexico, a castle of clouds, a divine beam of light pouring through like God's own flashlight, a faint roar of Mother La Mer, salt, spray, and a few dolphins leaping in the water...

I turned to the wife and said:

*"This is what the Universe does when you LEAVE IT ALONE."

*(C) 2004 Krash Kreative aka Shark

Was Vlad the Impaler a Muslim?

2004-06-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts:

Beheading a victim is a despicable and universal symbol of Victory combined with Humiliation. It's ancient and it's probably a hard-wired aversion.

In a world of 'images', the Islamic terrorists are trying to compete with the photos from Abu Ghraib prison, and doing a helluva job. ("We" set the bar pretty high, but they've shown that they can top anything.)

Oh, and they want you and I to react -- and to overreact.

A headless body and/or a body-less head is a powerful symbol, but it's hard to know what to take from it. Some want to surrender, some want to flee, some want to go all nuclear.

It's barbaric on one level (moral/taboo), sophisticated on another (marketing/propaganda),
and effective on any level.

The same book that contains "Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself" also counsels "An eye for an eye..."

Take yer pick, flip a coin, but either way, kiss your ol' culture good-bye.

We'll never be the same.

Faith-Based Initiatives: Beheadings & Wars

2004-06-20T04:35:00.000-07:00

From the NY Times -

Acting on Threat, Saudi Militant Group
Kills Captive American
By Neil MacFarquhar

"CAIRO, June 18 -- A Saudi militant group said Friday that it had carried out its threat to execute a kidnapped American engineer, posting three grisly pictures of his beheaded corpse on a Web site before leaving the body in a remote neighborhood of the capital, Riyadh.

Within hours, Abdelaziz al-Muqrin, the leader of the group -- an offshoot of Al Qaeda that claimed responsibility for the kidnapping and a string of recent attacks on expatriates -- was killed in a firefight with Saudi security forces in downtown Riyadh, local press reports said.

...In Washington, the killing brought swift criticism from President Bush, who called it a "barbaric" act.

...in Washington, Adel al-Jubeir, speaking for the [Saudi] government, said, "The people of Saudi Arabia are outraged by the cruel and cold-blooded murder of this innocent man."

...[a statement on the murderer's web site said]...the group was determined to humiliate all "polytheists until we establish a country of Islamic law and justice." This was a reference to their goal of driving all non-Muslims out of the Arabian peninsula and to undermining the ruling al-Saud dynasty.

...The statement threatened all Americans and their allies with a similar fate, saying the killing was a lesson for those in the kingdom.

...Mr. Jubeir, the Saudi spokesman, said ..."It is a terrible lie that the cowards who committed this inhumane act claim to be Muslim..."

...After the murder, discussion raged on Islamist Web sites whether such acts fell within accepted behavior in the religion. The country's senior clerics used their pulpits on Friday to condemn the violence, while other imams said it was a Muslim's duty to drive the infidels from the country.

== end of excerpt ==

Muslims are "debating" whether the beheading of an innocent man is justified by their religion. Sounds like somebody needs a new religion.

Shark's take:

1) We'll never win this "war" on terrorism;

2) "war" is probably not a good word; a war is between states with armies; one can either win or lose a war -- this is more of a battle, a battle that we'll be fighting for decades. (I predict that the central conflict of the 21st century will be the ongoing struggle between Islam and the West.)

3) The Saudi Monarchy is ripe for old cliches: "they're between a rock and a hard place, the chickens have come home to roost, the worm turns, and be careful what you wish for."

The Saudi "government" has to respond to their home-grown terrorists, who have now decided to turn against their previous masters, the Royal Family. If the Royals get any closer to the US, they'll further isolate and encourage the poor, disenfranchised in their country, who already show some 'support' for bin Laden and his agenda. If they don't respond hard/effectively enough, America will put more pressure, send more FBI/CIA, and make more demands on their security forces, which -- again, will "...further isolate and encourage the poor, disenfranchised in their country, who already show some 'support' for bin Laden and his agenda."

The Royal Saudis are in a LOSE-LOSE situation. Their time is limited. They will not survive pressure from militant Islam. It's only a matter of time.

4) No civilized nation can stomach the idea of a nut-bar facist theocracy of terrorists running the world's gas station. BTW: The FIRST interview given yesterday by a Republican Senator mentioned that this beheading, etc. was the signal for us to open the Arctic wilds for oil exploration. Not a FUCKNG WORD about conservation.

5) As I see it there are only two possible scenarios for the future:

a) An ongoing escalation, ending with violent, facist theocracies popping up all over the Middle East, (Saudi Arabia being the most critical because of their oil + our addiction) -- followed by military take-over the entire Middle East, occupation, and possibly explicit genocide of all males over a certain age. (Then we'll end up exactly where we are now in Iraq; a long occupation facing an incremental urban guerilla nightmare/"quagmire", not to mention becoming facist "barbarians" in the process.)

(Actually, I think the NEO-CONS might further their own long-term "plan" for the US EMPIRE by encouraging the above scenario (a) -- ie. Let the militant Islamic whackjobs take over Saudi Arabia, execute all the corrupt, Westernized males, including most, if not all, of the Royal Family, set up a "State" that we can actually fight a legitimate "war" against.)

That sounds a bit conspiratorial (I don't trust anybody these days, especially the Bush Administration's invisible puppet masters), but it could work. If you remember, that was one of the justificiations for the war in Iraq; get all the murderous Islamic roaches to move into the kitchen; that way, they're easier to exterminate... etc. etc.

b) A REFORM OF ISLAM - Judaism and Christianity had theirs; it's about time this barbaric, medieval "religion" was updated for a world of bipedal, domesticated primates who have opposing thumbs, cell phones, computers, and reality TV.

This religion badly needs a "Luther" to nail 95 theses to the door of Bin Laden's forehead -- or the Kabba -- wherever they think might be appropriate. One man needs to arise who has the intelligence, charisma, influence, and political skills to reform this dangerous, fucked-up religion. (Don't start with me on the 'racist' shit; any religion whose spiritual leaders have a quiet, "rational" debate about the value of beheading an infidel needs to be exterminated from the face of the earth. (BTW: I don't discriminate. My suggestion: eliminate ALL religions from the face of the earth, but some might think that's a tad harsh, although I would argue it might give us a slight chance to avoid extinction by the year 2100.)

Islam also needs a feminist uprising modeled on many western feminist movements, from suffragettes to bra-burners (they could light up the entire city of Riyadh on the darkest night by burning those tent-robes and medieval masks they wear!)

The women of Islam could do the world, their children, and the future of humankind some good by taking a clue from Lysistrada and cutting off their men from sex (under the black mobile tent) until the men agree to stop making war, killing innocent infidels, and finally allow them to drive cars and dress like Paris Hilton.

So Islam needs some reform, or -- dare I say what's on everybody elses' minds -- IT'S GOTTA GO, (get voted off the spinning blue carbon-based Island known as Earth).

The bad news: after The Reformation, a few decades of bloodletting had to take place before things settled down, which indicates that if Islam produced a reformer TOMORROW, it might be closer to the end of this century by the time the blood stopped flowing and Muslims started to be peaceful, corrupt --- and party-down like the rest of us.

*

I think the ultimate IRONY in all this: while we call for a more LIBERAL ISLAM, our own country is quickly drifting toward a more conservative, less tolerant, state-sanctioned form of FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANITY.

...um..

I think...

...as a species...

um...

we're...

Fucked...

More Good News For Gays

2004-06-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

Elder Bush Goes Down on Soldier

COLLEGE STATION, Texas (Rotters) - On Sunday, former U.S. President George Bush celebrated his 80th birthday by donning a black and yellow jump suit and having anal sex while being strapped to a U.S. Army paratrooper.

An airborne Bush waved to the thousands who had gathered for the event as he neared touchdown, and then he slid to a landing across the hot Texas grass near his presidential library.

"That landing was smooth," Bush told reporters, "but the entry was even smoother. This paratrooper apparently had a lot of practice and training."

Bush had planned to jump solo, as he did for his 75th birthday, but a last minute bit of adventure and curiosity caused him to jump in tandem with a buff young Army paratrooper from Dallas.

Asked by reporters why he chose to try airborne sodomy on his 80th birthday, the former president said, "I'm not getting any younger, so I wanted to try some of those things that I wanted to do as a young man, but was too embarrassed to try at the time. At my age, I don't care what people think. Besides, Barbara and I haven't done the wild thing in so long, my prostate felt like the Washington monument. It's good to get off, but it's even better with an Army of One covering your backside."

He was flanked on the ground by members of the U.S. Army's Golden Trojans parachute team, who took the jump with him. Bush dropped at about 120 miles per hour (200 kph) after jumping from about 13,000 feet before his chute was opened.

"Our 'chutes' opened at the same time," the ex-president joked.

Bush said that the height of the jump allowed him time to get a surprise reach-around from his tandem partner.

"I was surprised, and frankly, ecstatic. A jump like that is more than I expected. It was great. We timed it perfectly, too; I got my rocks as soon as we hit the ground. I mean -- what are the
odds?"

Bush said he wanted to send a message to senior citizens to get out, be active, and try alternative sex in experimental positions with homosexual partners.

He was presented with a badge after the event saying that he had completed five jumps, enough to qualify for U.S. Army basic paratroop status. In addition, he was also given a special medal
portraying a condom parachute that read, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Jump Somebody and Give 'Em Hell".

The first time Bush jumped out of an airplane was when he was a U.S. aviator shot down over the Pacific during World War II, some 60 years ago.

The senior Bush was in Texas for two-days of festivities and fanfare to celebrate his 80th birthday.

Bush's fans, friends, and family paid at least $200 each and some as much as $1 million to take part in the charity event which included a baseball game, a party, and a special gathering to watch Bush parachute.

The money from the birthday bash was being used to benefit a special charity -- The Log Cabin Republicans.

== end of transmission ==

Ronald Reagan Never Dies

2004-06-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Reagan Gets Network
by Marco DuCamp
Rotters News Service - 6/9/04

(New York) Disney, ABC, and AOL-Time-Warner announced today that they were developing a new channel to be made available to cable operators by midsummer of 2004. The network, called "RON-TV" will be exclusively dedicated to ex-President Ronald Reagan, who died last Saturday at the age of 93.

Reagan began his career as Hollywood film star before becoming Governor of California; later, he was elected to two terms as President of the United States. Ronald Reagan Jr, a marketing executive with the upcoming network, told the Associated Press:

"The President's entire life was documented on film and video, and we've collected black and white footage from the early 20th century all the way up to the most recent High Definition, IMAX shots of his flag-covered casket lying in state. We have baby pictures, war movies, monkey movies, all of his press conferences, and almost every folksy, humorous, off-hand remark he made in public. There's a wealth of information there, and obviously, RON-TV will provide Ronald Reagan 24/7."

Along with film and video of the ex-President in all his incarnations, the channel will also feature interviews with Nancy, old friends, associates, estranged children, and anyone who has a positive opinion.

Daytime programming will be dedicated to the humorous moments from Reagan press conferences, with an occasional special featuring jokes, storytelling -- and a weekly afternoon segment called, "Quick Quips".

Early evening programming will begin with a show called, "America's President's Funniest Home Videos" -- which will include cute, but endearing embarrassing moments for the Gipper; expect to see that cat-nap with the Pope and the interview where Nancy told a deer-in-the-headlights President what to say.

Prime-time will feature all 168 hours of the funeral and memorial coverage, including commentary by historians, political pundits, and a running fashion critique by newly hired team of hosts, Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Disney-AOL-Time-Warner says that they expect the new channel to begin generating profits by fall of 04. They are hoping that merchandising will provide additional incremental income once the channel is available nation-wide.

Sources say they have already signed a seven-figure, long-term advertising contract with a famous astrologer, and are also negotiating with a jellybean manufacturer.

Other items soon to be available are hats, t-shirts, coffee cups, and mouse pads featuring a picture of Ronald Reagan with his famous Hollywood sidekick, the chimpanzee Bonzo. The smiling President is pictured saying his famous, "Well..."

Disney-AOL-Time-Warner also said that if this new concept for cable programming is a success, they have other channels in the works for the future. This winter, they expect to unveil "DICK-TV" -- whose slogan will be "All Dicks -- All the Time!"

This venture will feature film and video repeats of famous Dicks, including Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney, Dick Cavett, Dick Butkus, Dick Van Dyke, and Dick Tracy.

=== end of transmission ===

Shit! I'm nationwide!

2004-06-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

First, I was quoted in "Australian Art" magazine. (And no, it wasn't printed upside down.)

Then I had a few works featured at two galleries in Europe; one in Holland featuring 'homages' to Mondrian, the other a great site about "Monopoly Game" art.

And now, I'm mentioned in an article in the student paper at "Middlebury College" -- whatever and wherever the hell that is.

Some 'art critic' was writing about the use of... um... shit... in art, and he included a few lines about my infamous masterpiece, "Poop Christ". I'm excited about the whole thing, but what really thrills me is the title of the short article: (check out this excerpt)

Is it Art?
A LOOK AT THOSE WHO DARE TO STRETCH THE CREATIVE LIMITS
By Chris Grosso
Published: Thursday, February 26, 2004

"Now that's crap! I'm not being an obnoxious art critic. It really is crap. Call it whatever you'd like - dung, droppings or fecal matter. Somehow, poop has become a medium and inspiration for an unbelievable number of artists. I use the word "unbelievable" because I'm shocked that such a thing could influence anybody. Animal waste is actually used in paintings, drawings and, wait, even sculptures. Yes, I did say sculptures. People actually pick up crap. Ekkk!

America got its first glimpse of poop when Chris Ofili's "Holy Virgin Mary" was displayed in the Brooklyn Museum of Art, in New York in 1999. Do you remember the Virgin Mary slung with elephant dung? At first glance Ofili's work seemed like an abstraction of a pre-Renaissance, stylized black Madonna, set off against a golden background. But a closer inspection revealed a clump of elephant dung at her right breast. Two more clumps, labeled "virgin" and "Mary," served as supports for the painting. (Yes, it smelled.) The highly controversial piece and exhibition stirred up a lot of discussion about modern art, the validity of the medium itself and the desecration of the Virgin Mary.

...In 2003, American artist Mark Caywood created a mixed media sculpture entitled "Poop Christ." He wedged a crucifix into a pile of hardened elephant dung and pasted it there with Elmer's glue. Luckily he included a Glade Indoor Air freshener to suppress the odor.

...While sculpting feces is probably one of the most repulsive activities, feces has also become the theme of short stories, the bright idea behind websites and butt of many jokes. One of the most prolific literature sites is poopreport.com. It goes by the slogan "Your #1 Source for Your #2 Business."

full article here.

The Future (and past) of Marketing

2004-06-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

"Oh, what a world! What a world!" — Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz

Sorry, kids.

I get a referrel from the Blogcritics site, and it's only about a week into my move to this new site.

The Bad News: I'm still unpacking boxes and looking for lost entries and incredibly brilliant observations.

The Good News: It's the first time in my life that I've moved without hurting my back.

Please excuse the mess, though, and don't mind the neighbors. (Interested parties should line up, take a number, and call a friggin' psychiatrist...)

And for more of my greatest hits from the kinda distant past, visit the old site, The Museum of Stupidity -- where you can also see a photo of Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger's tiny penis. (Seriously.)

By the way: did I mention that I used to be in "Marketing"?

Then the 1990s hit. I began asking myself, "This is a solution to what?" everytime I pitched a new campaign or went into one of those dreadful 'sales' meetings.

Very shortly, it became apparent to me that:

1) ...the answer was a big fat "NOTHING, you aide to Satan!"

2) ...if I spent much more time in the world of advertising, I was either going to arrive at one of those meetings with a 9mm Glock -- or I would bypass that 'cultural critique' and just off myself with a 1/4" drill through the forehead as punishment for my past sins.

Anyway, I got out of "the business" -- and into something morally and ethically superior to adverstising: child porno, drug dealing, and trading on the stock market.

I like to think that the world is a better place.

(Although I often fantasize about whippin' that Glock outta my briefcase...)

And for the curious, please visit the last ad I created, the culmination of a twenty-some-odd year career, and the final creative output performed prior to my resignation. It's called, The Future of Advertising.

"Oh, what a wonderful world..." — Louis Armstrong

Thought for the Day: Untitled

2004-05-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

If a painting is labeled "Untitled", is it actually untitled, or is the title "Untitled" a title, thus negating the title? And aren't artists a pretentious, stupid bunch?

Dali, Bruegel, and Rumsfeld Approved

2004-05-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

You gotta see this art work by Curt Fisher.

Sweet dreams!

RIAA Catches Bin Laden

2004-05-29T02:11:00.000-07:00

May 28, 2004
(Rotters News Service)

On Wednesday, the recording industry sued another computer user for illegally sharing music across the Internet, but among the indie loving college students, grandmothers hip to Enya and Elton, and the horde of twelve-year-old Britney fans that have been sued by a terror-stricken industry, the latest music downloading fanatic to feel the long arm of copyright law is unique -- to say the least.

For over a decade, he's eluded the CIA, FBI, MI-5, Interpol, and the entire U.S. Military, but today, Osama bin Laden -- leader of the international terrorist group Al Qaeda -- felt the sting of an even more efficient and bloodthirsty organization: RIAA, the Recording Industry Association of America.

Their investigators tracked a large number of music downloads to an Internet protocol address based somewhere in the Middle East. Further investigations pinpointed an old IMAC in a cave near the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where bin Laden has been 'holed-up' since late 2001 when the U.S. invaded his Taliban stronghold.

Al Qaeda officials told Al Jazeera News that -- due to various circumstances -- Osama bin Laden has been alone, isolated, and unable to leave his current residence, so it's understood that a little music might serve to brighten up his dull and dreary life.

"He wasn't selling the music to anyone else," an Al Qeada spokeman said, "he wasn't profiting from it; he was just sampling various songs to find out if he would buy the CD once he had access. Our fearless leader doesn't see downloading music as a crime, but a chance for unknown or underplayed musical artists to have their music heard by people who might later make a purchase. This is yet another western imperialist injustice!"

The spokesman admitted that bin Laden favored classic rock artists, especially from the 1960s, but justified those downloads by pointing out that bin Laden had originally purchased the recordings on vinyl, 8-track, cassette, and later, even some CD master tape remixes.

"Osama told me," the Al Qaeda spokeman added, "that in some cases -- due to changes in technology -- he had spent a small fortune on the same album over and over again. It was crazy! He said it added to his violent thoughts against the West, and I would imagine that this latest injustice by the RIAA will only mean more dead Americans in the future."

The Al Qeada spokesman said that bin Laden's favorite band was the Doors, since he's downloaded over fifteen different versions of "Five To One" -- including a number of live versions and some unreleased studio takes that were never used.

"He dances around the cave singing along with 'Five to One' at the top of his lungs," the spokesman said, "spinning his camo-robe like a whirling dervish; it's a great, spiritual, political, and sort of sexual moment for anyone present. It's especially haunting when he does the spoken part!"

The recording industry usually files its complaints against defendents by identifying them only by their numeric Internet protocol addresses, but in this case, they thought the high-profile status of their latest case would discourage others from downloading music online. It said lawyers will work through the courts to request subpoenas against the terrorist leader and will serve papers to his cave on the Pakistani border by Friday.

The latest filings brings the number of lawsuits filed by the recording industry to some 2500 people since last summer. None of the cases has yet gone to trial, and 437 people so far have agreed to pay financial penalties of about $3,000 as settlements. Bin Laden, through his spokesman, would not indicate whether he plans to fight the lawsuit or just settle out of court.

==== end of news article ===

If you're wondering as to the appeal a thirty-year-old Doors song might have to an international Islamic terrorist, like everyone else -- c'mon, IT'S THE LYRICS. (provided below)

FIVE TO ONE

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive--
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby if we try

The old get old
And the young get stronger
May take a week
And it may take longer

They got the guns
But we got the numbers
Gonna win, yeah
We're takin' over
Yeah! Come on!

(spoken)
Your ballroom days are over, baby
Night is drawing near
Shadows of the evening crawl across the years
Ya walk across the floor with a flower in your hand
Trying to tell me no one understands
Trade in your hours for a handful dimes
Gonna' make it, baby, in our prime

Come together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, aha
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, gotta, get together
Ohhhhhhhh!

Hey, c'mon, honey
You won't have along wait for me, baby
I'll be there in just a little while
You see, I gotta go out in this car with these people and... uh...

Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah...

A Poem for My Grandson

2004-05-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

Tired of my outrageous politics, my hyperbole, my vitriol? Me too. My life includes a lot more than an overtaxed spleen.

I do have a soft side, the side that takes care of a little boy for a few days each week. What follows is quite a deviation from the regular exhibitions here at The Museum of Madness, as far from madness as is humanly possible, the exact opposite of madness, the antithesis of madness!

This is a piece I wrote for my grandson, Chase Michael Adams. He'll be four in July 04.

I've kept him 3-4 days a week (ever since he was the size of a cantaloupe), so you can imagine how attached we are. He calls me "papa" and is the joy of my life.

I can watch him sleeping and start to cry from the crushing weight of my love.

SPECIAL

There is a small, special place
where the laws of Nature go ignored,
where physics is transformed
by the sound of a child’s voice---

Where the concept of Pixie Dust lifts a great ship
to sail through the sky on windy tides
past unseen islands and glowing galaxies.

There is a moonlit sea
that hovers overhead;
a young boy weighs anchor
and aims for the stars.

There is a small, special time
that defies the arc of the sun
and shifts the shadows in the garden---
that makes the morning last forever
or until the call to come home.

Science here is humbled,
experiments made moot---
for a laundry basket is a rocket ship,
the driveway, a beach---
the yard, an ocean---
and God, a young boy.

He flutters His fingers and flies;
He closes His eyes and becomes invisible;
He points at a lion and says,
“That's me.”

* * *

Thought for the Day

2004-05-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

"We are all hunting for rational reasons for believing in the absurd."

— Lawrence Durrell, from "Justine"

God Hates Bad Art

2004-05-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

Want proof that God exists? Better yet, want proof He intervenes on the earthly plane and has good taste to boot?!

On Tuesday, a fire swept through a warehouse containing a large portion of one of the worst "art" collections in the world, that of Charles Saatchi, art collector and marketing mastermind behind a decade or so of frauds perpetrated in the name of cultural artifacts.

Saatchi, as you might recall, owned the art works featured in the 'controversial' exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum of Art in 1999; the show, "SENSATION" was popularized by a moron of a mayor, (later to become a low-grade "hero") Rudy "But It's Elephant Poop!" Guiliani, whose attempts to keep people from seeing the damaging image of a Virgin Mary accompanied by elephant dung inspired millions of curious visitors to FLOCK to Brooklyn to see the damn thing!

By the way: I use the term "Exhibition" loosely; actually, it was an ad campaign sponsored by a 'non-profit' art museum that was really a tax-exempt profit-chasing marketing whore for an advertising executive who wanted to bump up the prices on -- what else? -- HIS OWN PIECE O' SHIT ART COLLECTION.

Yeah. Saatchi, when not collecting art, makes commercials and produces ads. In other words, he is Satan Incarnate. And what happens when Satan meets P.T. Barnum and is rich enough to buy friends who tell him he has "taste"? Oh boy, this guy makes Madonna look like a blind, autistic amateur with a plywood lemonade stand on the backroad to Bakersfield.

(I should also mention that I have nothing against Chris Ofili's artwork, where an African Black Madonna has a pile of pachyderm poop added to her 'landscape'; it's actually a pretty tame piece next to the rest of Saatchi's hellhole of certifiable ugly, senseless attempts to shock with his twisted, perverted, mindless, faux-intellectual, post-post-modern "YOUNG BRITISH" artist punks. These folks took John Cage's brilliant irony, "...I have nothing to say and I'm saying it..." WAY TOO SERIOUSLY -- and were able to create entire careers based on that concept and a public that could afford the luxury of being depressed by their avant-garde collections of disturbing ugliness.)

Anyway, as a once-raging agnostic, I heard the news about the Saatchi warehouse going up in fire and brimstone (that's a great post-post modern art work now that I think about it!) and got down on my knees and begged God, Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Jove, and Arthur C. Clarke to forgive my past transgressions and lack of faith in a Supreme, All-Knowing, Just and Vengeful, British Shit-Art Hating Diety.

(Now... if Our Heavenly Father will see fit to strike down all those satanic Museum Directors and their corrupt, baby-eating, puppy-strangling curatorial staffs...)

--- quotes from the story ---

...Millions of pounds worth of artworks in Charles Saatchi's famous collection are feared destroyed in a warehouse fire. Modern art classics including Tracey Emin's tent and Hell, by brothers Jake and Dinos Chapman, may have perished. Monday's blaze swept through an east London industrial estate, where art storers Momart have a warehouse.

...Tracey Emin's tent "Everyone I have ever slept with 1963-5" has 102 names sewn onto the sides including her lovers, her aborted foetuses and relatives she slept with as a child.

[oh. my. god. Quick! Somebody get me a Bouguereau!!!]

...A spokesman for Saatchi said they were still waiting for confirmation about what had been lost, but that Charles was "absolutely devastated".

[Pray to God it's the entire collection!]

...the warehouse also contained works by Turner prize winners Damien Hirst [becoming a young, tortured suicide would perhaps be the best marketing this dickhead could do] and Rachel Whiteread, and the art world is shocked and saddened by the news.

...Brian Sewell, the London Evening Standard's art critic, told BBC News 24 that the blaze "had the makings of an appalling tragedy for the history of contemporary art".

[Sewell must have owned some stock -- or he's going to retire as a consultant to Saatchi; either way, he needs to rip out his own tongue and nail it to a wall at the Tate as redemption for that statement of melodramatic hyperbole.]

...He also said he felt particularly sorry for Momart: "They are one of the most trusted, respected and reliable firms". The company, one of the world's largest specialists in handling fine arts and antiquities, spent Tuesday contacting clients to inform them of the loss.

=== end of excerpt ===

full story

My Solution In Iraq

2004-05-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote this almost two months ago, which shows how little things have changed. As a matter of fact, they've only gotten worse. Here is my paranoid-diplomatic solution to Iraq, aka BUSH'S BLUNDER.

=================

Okay.

Over the last few days, I became a convert.

I realized that the only time we're going to see crowds cheering in the streets of Iraq is when they're hanging a burned American body part on a bridge as sort of an Islamic/Neanderthal Maypole celebration.

So I spent yesterday in my attic digging out and dusting off my old "BRING OUR BOYS HOME" signs from 1968.

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

The latest mindless catch-phrase is, "Well, we're over there and we have to finish the job." You hear it from everybody, liberals, Dems, Neo-Cons, Repubs, little old ladies, and motard MTV types. I figure if everybody is saying it, it must be wrong. They're hypnotized.

"We must finish the job!"

Everybody seems to have forgotten: WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASN'T OUR JOB, so why finish it?

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

I mean, what are you people waiting for? Democracy?

We 'give' them democracy, who the hell do you think they're going to "vote" for?

In case you haven't noticed, they're voting every day, except instead of a fake count like we had in Florida, they're using roadside bombs, mass marches, and burned dead Americans.

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

Oh, and did I mention: WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Especially when Bush & Co. had everything planned except the days and months and years after "liberation."

We'll never win this with 130,000 military. I doubt that we could win it with half a million. Imagine a foreign army occupying California. Jeesus, give 'em AK-47s and RPGs, and the Crips and Bloods alone could kick the ass of any army in the world!

No, we won't win in Iraq; not in a year or a decade. It's a no-win. It's a fantasy, kinda like giving 'democracy' to a country filled with primitive Islamic nutbars.

So at the current rate, eventually Bush Jr. will have to drop a few H-bombs and incinerate Iraq just to save face and show that even testicles are bigger in Texas; it's only a matter of time.

The end game in Iraq is a nuclear bomb. Trust me. (Hey, you trusted George, why can't you trust me?)

Do we do it sooner -- or later?

(Or better yet, maybe Bush and Cheney should dress up in those little flight-suit costumes and go over there show us how it's supposed to be done: They can put on cowboy hats and ride the Big One from the bomb-bay of a B-52 all the way onto Main Street in Fallujah. They wanted it so bad, let those criminals die for it. Slim Pickens would have. And George already HAS a cowboy hat!)

REPORTER: "President Bush, now that weapons of mass destruction -- your main justification for going to war in Iraq -- appear to be non-existent, what possible reason can you have for putting American lives at risk and draining the American treasury?"

PRES. BUSH: "umm... um... I can no longer sit back and allow infiltration, indoctrination, subversion, and an international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! Yee-haw!"

============

Okay, maybe 'nook-yul-er' weapons are a bit of an overreaction on my part.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF IRAQ.

Why the hell do we have to 'finish the job'?

We do what American CEOs do when their companies start sliding toward an economic implosion: We simply resign. Leave it for somebody else to clean up. Let 'em dangle... or eat cake. Isn't that sort of the entire political and philosophical attitude of the Bush Administration anyway?

Fuck the 'employees.' Fuck the 'stockholders.'

Fuck everybody; let's go home. I resign.

And it's real simple: Here's how you do it;

You say:

"This wasn't what I expected."

"I don't see that this position has any real opportunities for me in the future."

"I want to spend more time with my family."

"I no longer share a common vision with the Board of Directors."

"I feel this is best for me and the organization at this time."

"I have health issues I need to address."

See how easy that is?

But people say, "SHARK! We can't do that! We can't JUST LEAVE IRAQ to the insurgents, the terrorists, and the civil wars!"

"Why?" I ask.

"Because... we just... can't."

"Then," I say, "let's quit screwing around and just bomb them off the map and get it over with."

"No," they say, "That does tend to make it easier to win, but we are trying to take the high road and not 'bomb them into dust', 'hearts and minds' and all that -- this is why we are experiencing a higher mortality rate. You liberal wimps must be patient."

"Gee," I say, "kinda sounds like politics is restraining an all-out military victory. Hmm, when was the last time we heard that? mmm... lemme think... Oh yeah, VIETNAM!"

"SO, SHARK, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? Just we should nuke the fuckers? Or daisy-cutter major Sunni cities into rubble? Or MOAB Baghdad? Look, I know you don't think we should have been there in the first place. That's a reasonable opinion. But we ARE there. So what do we do now, SHARK?"

"Nuke 'em all?

Bomb civilians without any remorse?

Do what we're doing now, avoiding civilian casualities while going after extremists?

Run away like a French school-boy and scream "We're sorry! We're sorry!"??

Which is it? Or do you have another option?"

And I answer: "OF COURSE I'VE GOT AN OPTION!"

== Shark's Solution to Iraq ==

phase 1: EXIT IMMEDIATELY.

phase 2: Line the entire Iraqi border with land mines, barbed wire, and a gigantic wall (built by Halliburton, of course).

phase 3: Step back and watch.

phase 4: Videotape the results from various vantage points along the wall: sell it on late night cable as "Iraqis Gone Wild". Give profits to families of the 9/11 dead and casualties from Bush's Blunder.

By the way: I'll be announcing my candidacy for President of the United States for the 2004 election by the end of this week. Email credit card numbers to: fwbull@earthlink.net)

Trade Elmer Fudd for John McCain!

2004-05-27T06:24:00.000-07:00

A whole lotta people are saying that the best way to reunite these Divided States, reclaim the national standing and integrity abroad, and end this uncivil Cultural Civil War is to get Republican Senator John McCain to join John Kerry as candidate for Vice President.

Sounds like a pretty good idea, the kind of idea a "uniter, not a divider" might want to encourage.

But it appears McCain might not want to flee the Republican Party, and despite this recent encounter with Professional Moron and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, one would assume that the GOP doesn't want another Senator to jump ship in the middle of a Bush-inspired 'Titanic moment', aka Armageddon.

WASHINGTON (CNN)

...Talking to reporters, Hastert pretended not to know who McCain was when asked about a recent statement by the GOP senator from Arizona.

As other House GOP members stood behind him laughing, Hastert, R-Illinois, then expressed doubt that McCain was indeed a Republican.

The exchange started when a reporter asked: "Can I combine a two issues, Iraq and taxes? I heard a speech from John McCain the other day..."

Hastert: "Who?"

Reporter: "John McCain."

Hastert: "Where's he from?"

Reporter: "He's a Republican from Arizona."

Hastert: "A Republican?"

Amid nervous laughter, the reporter continued with his question: "Anyway, his observation was never before when we've been at war have we been worrying about cutting taxes and his question was, 'Where's the sacrifice?'"

Hastert: "If you want to see the sacrifice, John McCain ought to visit our young men and women at Walter Reed and Bethesda. There's the sacrifice in this country. We're trying to make sure they have the ability to fight this war, that they have the wherewithal to be able to do it. And, at the same time, we have to react to keep this country strong."

Walter Reed Army Medical Center and Bethesda National Naval Medical Center are two military hospitals in the Washington area.

McCain, a prisoner of war during Vietnam, later released a written statement, taking issue with the spending habits of Republican lawmakers.

"The Speaker is correct in that nothing we are called upon to do comes close to matching the heroism of our troops. All we are called upon to do is not spend our nation into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk their lives. I fondly remember a time when real Republicans stood for fiscal responsibility. Apparently those days are long gone for some in our party."

== end of CNN excerpt ==

So here's an angry little Denny Hastert lecturing John McCain -- an ex-aviator who was held prisoner and tortured in Vietnam -- on the sacrfices of war! What a world-class dick! Can the irony get any thicker with these Right-Wing chickenhawk assholes? Cheney "had other priorities" -- Bush was too busy doing cocaine to show up for duty with the danger-filled National Guard, and John McCain has to have "sacrifices" pointed out to him by some arrogant asshole *WHO NEVER SERVED IN THE MILITARY.

*Um, that would be Hastert, by the way. (There are so many neo-con hawks who avoided service, that I thought I should point that out.)

But hey, sports fans, let's see that wing-cannon open fire once again in slow-motion:

"...The Speaker is correct in that nothing we are called upon to do comes close to matching the heroism of our troops. All we are called upon to do is not spend our nation into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk their lives. I fondly remember a time when real Republicans stood for fiscal responsibility. Apparently those *days are long gone for some in our party."

* see Jan. 20, 2001 for exact date (Bush inauguration)

Ya gotta love this guy! McCain takes the high road, uses a rare touch of irony and satire, BAM, slam dunks that knuckle-draggin' dipshit Hastert and his entire political party!

Whoo-hoo! WE NEED THIS GUY! But how...?

Hmmmm....

I've got an idea: red-rover, red-rover... we'll trade one ELMER FUDD, uh, I mean Joe Lieberman for one JOHN MCCAIN. They can have that wheezy, bloated, constipated cartoon character, the best Republican the Democrats have ---

And we'll take that honest, fiesty, half-whacked, emotional, ex-"war hero" who values integrity above electability, calls 'em as he sees 'em, and is the Best Damn Democrat the Republicans have ever produced.

We'll trade one Elmer Joe Fuddlieberman for one John McCain: Fair enough?

C'mon, we might even throw in a Zell Miller...

Wagging the Scared Dog

2004-05-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

SPEAKING OF WAGGING THE DOG: The Bush Junta makes Clinton look like an amateur.

Headlines have gone from

--"Another Bombing in Baghad"
--"Gas Prices Highest in History"
-- "More Abu Ghraib Horrors Released"
-- "Bush Plunges in Polls"
-- "Europe, NATO, and the UN say to Bush: Fuck You, We Ain't touchin' Your Oozing Puss-Filled Open American Sore Known as Iraq"

~ to ~

"TERRORISTS PLAN TO ATTACK ON US SOIL"

Gee. Like we didn't KNOW that... especially after we blew Iraq.

Look: It's now almost JUNE OF 2004, and we haven't seen hide nor hair of Tom Ridge since the day he was appointed "Director of Fatherland Security" -- but now that:

1) Bush's popularity is plunging;
2) Iraq is getting worse (if that's possible);
3) Abu Ghraib and the US military's idea of homoeroticism won't go away;
4) the economy, thanks to gasoline, is about to tank even more...

...THEY TROT OUT THE TERRORISTS.

"Get Ridge out there to rustle up some "scare"!"

No, by "Terrorists" I do not mean Bin Laden and his boyz, I mean the Bush Administration spokesmen who casually drop words like "Dirty Bomb" and "Bioterrorism" into interviews with every empty talking head on every TV channel this morning. They're not only trying to frighten us into a "Bush/Cheney 04" T-shirt, they're trying to do a Cover-Yer-Ass move in case this summer ends like the one in '01. "Hey, we told you... even had an explicit report titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Before 04 Election ('Cuz He's for Kerry)"

What are they trying to tell us?

Be vigilant.

Fuck you, Tommy. You BE vigilant.

I'm too busy collecting cans along the side of the highway to notice what sort of freight is coming into Houston -- or who is getting on an airplane with a smoking shoe or a pair of fingernail files.

You be vigilant, Tommy.

Or get that Republican Cash Cow/Golden Calf, the Star-Wars Missile Defense Program up and running, but make damn sure they add a setting for "Crop Dusters".

Better yet, take some of that $175 BILLION you dickheads spent in Iraq and shore up the USA's borders -- which leak more than Karl Rove's office about the identity of CIA agents married to whistleblowers.

=======

now... where's my Soma...?

Terror as a Marketing Tool

2004-05-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

I wrote this almost two months ago, but after yesterday's NEWS BLITZ about the upcoming Summer of Terror, I thought it was appropriate.

===================

I know it's my patriotic duty to be scared, terrified, and terrorized -- because my President constantly reminds me.

Shortly after 9/11, Bush and Co. instituted a "color coded" scare alert to let me and my fellow Americans know just how scared we should be; its called the "Terrorist Threat Level" and comes in various pretty, almost soothing colors. This color code not only made it easier to alert the American public, but it effectively requisitioned the rainbow, taking it back from those pesky gay troublemakers (who had turned a symbol of Utopia in Kansas to a symbol of utopia for people used to getting the shit beat out of 'em for what they do behind closed doors with consenting adults; Now when Judy Garland sings, "Somewhere over the Rainbow," we can imagine a post-9/11 civilian bomb shelter instead of a gay disco party. Damn right.)

Terrorist Threat Alert. Scary Rainbow. That's better.

Then we had White House spokesman Ari "I studied Himmler" Fleischer warning Americans to "be careful" what they say.

That was scary, too. As a matter of fact, the last time a flaccid, frustrated right-wing bald guy uttered those words, Italy joined the Evil Axis, brown shirts became a really IN fashion statement among ruthless killers, and the world spent the next seven years at war.

Then along came "The Patriot Act" -- which is about the scariest phrase since "Big Brother is Watching" -- except that was a fictional invention created to frighten the reader, and this happened to be paraded in front of God and the nation as something to be proud of.

You know that any legislation that needs the word "Patriot" attached to it means somebody is going to get fucked, but no, everybody was sufficiently scared, and so they not only voted for it, but bragged about it afterwards.

The Patriot Act. The Patriot Hunt. The Patriot Burnings. The Patriot Lynchings. One imagines all sorts of fantastic legislation will follow the Patriot Act, if only we become scared enough.

Right after 9/11, it appeared that most of the Al-Qaeda terrorists were being supported by a nation-state of thugs who ruled Afghanistan. The logical thing to do to fight terrorism was to invade Afghanistan, remove the thugs, and then go after the terrorist cells imbedded in nations around the world using infiltration, spy techniques, police efforts, and ways to disrupt their money laundering.

So what did our President do? He invaded Iraq. He created a few million new terrorists and gave them a new unstable anarchic nation-state in which to recruit, train, arm and thrive. Cool. Long live terror!

That's because the Republicans long ago figured this one out:

AS LONG AS WE'RE SCARED, WE'LL VOTE REPUBLICAN, the party of the tough guys, the macho men, the uber-studs, the military-industrial tit-minders, the neo-cons, the party of the Hawks in Humvees. (John Wayne died for your sins. You'll take my gun when you pry my cold dead finger from the trigger -- and other such born-again Christian sentiments.)

And as if Bush hadn't spread enough TERROR among Americans (making him a what, kids?), the other day, our President George W. Bush told reporters that he fully expects another major attack on American soil before the November election.

No embarrassing future hearings asking what they were doing on this one, eh? Not with that "Cover Your Ass" statement to an Associated Press convention!

"I told them there'd be an attack! I told the editors of AP at that dinner in April! It was our highest priority! I warned you, America!"

No, we're in a war, and unlike other great leaders, Bush doesn't tell us that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. --- And no, unlike other "wars", we're not asked to sacrifice anything other than our peace of mind. No gas rationing, no meat coupons, no steel collection drives by the Little Rascals, no "turn in your nylon stockings" days down at the Junior League in Crawford, Texas. Nope. Buy a Hummer. Invest in Halliburton, keep shopping, stay terrified, and vote for Bush.

As if we weren't scared enough, Bob Woodward asked Bush if he consulted his father on the war in Iraq. Bush replied that he got advice from a HIGHER Father, a cosmic dude who apparently whispers sweet nothings in his ear about invading other nations, spreading democracy, remaking the Middle East, and expediting the fucking Apocalypse.

It's scary enough to have a born-again Christian with one hand on the red nukes button and the other hand flipping through "The Book of Revelations", but now the guy has a direct line to God Almighty. And unlike those heathen animals who place calls to a lesser god named "Allah", he is never put on "HOLD". Never. God not only has call waiting, but he has a video-conference capability; He can talk to Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, Judge Moore, and George W. Bush at the same time.

In contrast to that, Democratic candidate John Kerry can't even get his guy the Pope to stop making ads for Bush and the Right To Lifers. He can't even get a friggin' Cardinal in Boston to return his calls.

One would hope that when it comes to The End of The World, God doesn't need any outside help, but I'm not sure Bush doesn't see that as part of his job description.

And as if all that weren't enough to keep you huddled under your bed sucking your thumb and crying for Mommy, how about this:

Bob Woodward: "President Bush, how will history remember your war in Iraq?"

Bush: "History, what do I care...we'll all be dead!"

I suggest that be the new Republican slogan, the main plank in the reelection campaign, and a replacement for "In God We Trust" and "God Bless America."

"WHAT DO I CARE... WE'LL ALL BE DEAD!"

We'll all be dead.

We'll all be...

dead.

Indeed.

Moving Day

2004-05-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

I'm moving my digs from another site. If you're new here, you've missed a lot. I'll try to repost some of my greatest hits from the past, especially the ones that turned out to be highly prophetic and/or the rare entry that's actually entertaining or enlightening. I'll be tidying up over the next few days, so please return to see what color I chose to paint the bathroom.

Oh, and I promise that unlike other sites, this one will never be over-designed and underedited.