Wednesday, February 09, 2005


[What with all the useless dying in Iraq -- and the lull in new recruits, the U.S. Army has changed ad agencies. Below is their latest.]




The new, improved U.S. Army isn't just about death, destruction, crummy hours, and bad food. No way, Jose; in these exciting times, being in the Army is about having FUN!

Just ask our top brass!

"Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight... It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling. You go into Afghanistan, you've got guys who slapped women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." -- Lt. Gen. James Mattis

In the old days, American soldiers -- especially those in the Greatest Generation -- were reluctant killers. They were sensitive, humble, quiet, reserved -- and above all -- respected life, liberty, and the basic values of humanity. They never saw themselves as heroes -- but simply as young men doing their duty.

But no more! That's right, we now encourage our soldiers to be brash, insensitive, egotistical, swaggering, and immoral; in short, just like your generation! Come on, join the fun! You can become a "hero" just by signing up!

Yes -- having fun, gaining strength, and training for a great career are only some of the benefits of becoming a Soldier in the Army. There are programs available that help pay for your college education; cash bonuses for certain jobs and quality-of-life facilities, and programs to make sure you and your family are taken care of.

The Army has more jobs -- in a variety of areas -- than you would ever expect: over 150 jobs for Soldiers on Active Duty, and 120 jobs in the Army Reserve. From working with computers to assisting physicians to fixing helicopters, there's an Army job right for you.

In addition to the standard jobs training you associate with the Army -- combat, computers, construction, engineering -- we've added some new categories to spark the interest in contemporary young Americans.


In addition to the standard 'yells', we'll train you in choreography, gymnastics, and the more complex 'pyramid' formations. You'll be well-prepared for a future in the CIA, the FBI, or the NFL. "Ready... OKAY!"


Dog Training
We can make you an expert in dog training. If you like animals -- foreign, domestic, whatever breed, religion, ethnic, or tribal group -- we can train you to train them! You'll get hands-on experience, qualify for our excellent K-9 units, and prepare yourself for position with numerous high-paying jobs in any number of intelligence units within and without official government sanctions.

If you can wield a leash and say,
"Here boy!" -- then call your recruiter today!


Mud Wrestling

Throughout our history, we've trained thousands of men and women in karate, tai kwan do, and jiu jitsu -- and to that list of ancient Asian martial arts, we've added a new specialty that was specifically developed by Anglo-Americans in the United States. Believed to have originated in white trash titty bars south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Mud Wrestling has quickly become a serious and honorable martial sport on Army bases in isolated locations around the globe. Part deadly martial art, and part ritualized, choreographed entertainment, this dynamic form of self-defense is a valid career path for any new Army Recruit, but especially well-endowed female soldiers. Want to serve your country? Get down and dirty in the New U.S. Army!

(Call for our free marketing video, "Spring Break: Soldiers Gone Wild!")


...and then some!

Chinese New Year: Happy, Happy!

Happy Chinese New Year!

Want to celebrate in the traditional manner?

Burn a CD and send it to 1 billion of your friends.
Copy an American Movie from Horrywood and show it in Tiananmen Square.

I guess we should 'get used to it' -- since this is the First Day of the Rest of China's Life, ie the beginning of "The Chinese Century" -- when the marriage of Wal-Mart and over a billion people will produce a baby that is poor, white, jobless, doesn't speak a friggin' word of English or remember who "Jefferson" was -- but can tell you how many duck coughs it takes to make SARS -- and knows the first name of Chairman Mao's favorite dog.

Did you know that The Year of the Rooster is traditionally a time of death, destruction, and evil on the move? It's so tainted that Chinese women have Caesarian Sections to avoid delivering babies in the Time of the Big Cock.

Speaking of Big Cocks, Death, Destruction, and Evil on the march...

Wow. It just happens to coincide with Bush's reelection. What a fucking coincidence!

The Rooster says this President Chickenhawk is going to invade... let's see, who is it this week...?

Oh yeah, Iran!

Yes, that's right, Iran has.... um...

...something we need to bomb...

Oh. What was it again?

Oh yes, Iran has Social Security! If they don't reform it, we're sending in the ol' "Shock & Awe"!





My good pal, BigDaddio called this "The Chinese Century" in a comment elsewhere.

I agree.

China: they're gonna own the U.S. in five years.

Seriously. And they'll be "free" too!

'Cause these days, "freedom" really means becoming as corrupt, materialistic, and addicted to consumer crap as Americans are.

It wasn't Ronald Raygun who 'defeated' communism; it was Pepsi, Levis, and Rock-n-Roll.

China is building shopping malls faster than they can steal copyrighted and trademarked products to fill them -- so it's just a matter of time.

Now -- if we could just get those wacky Muslims interested in having thirteen different kinds of toilet paper to choose from... get 'em to eat at McDonald's and wear Levi's. Fuck elections. They need PRODUCTS!

** America stands for Freedom, Democracy,
Cholesterol, and Tight-Fitting Pants Made In China **