Saturday, February 05, 2005

You're RIGHT. I'm Wrong.

Thanks to Iraq -- I'm kinda wanting to go over to the other side.

Okay, well, maybe not that side, but I sure think that nowadays, it's a helluva lot more fun to be a reactionary than to be a liberal.

And less lonely, too.

I'm really running outta gas on this liberal thing. When I write a post nowadays, I feel like a guy opening a Yarmulke Shop in downtown Berlin in 1933. When I satirize a conservative online, I feel like I'm performing a Bris ceremony in the Nuremberg town square.

I'm tired of being a "progressive liberal."


You guys have Bush. And the Bush bloodline -- which apparently won't run out within the next four or five generations. I fully expect The Twins to take office (President AND Vice President!) right after Jeb and Neal get done with their second terms. We have the beginnings of a new apostolic succession that will make the length of the English Monarchy's reign look like the lifespan of a sitcom on WB.

...Meanwhile, we have Ted "not dog food, not yet at least" Kennedy. Or the friggin' 'meltdown man' Howard Dean. Shit, we don't even have Christopher Hitchens anymore -- and we can't appeal to the younger generation because they'd rather own stocks in Google than have an alternative to cardboard castles and dogfood dinners in their too distant old age.

Yall have Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

Shit, we have... what... Barbara Streisand... and she hasn't made a decent album in decades...

Yall have a real honest-to-god "We're Gonna Kick Yer Ass for Your Own Good" Foreign Policy -- an Imperialist dream of conquering the world that has balls, smells of testosterone, and promises a happy ending.

...We want everyone on the world playground to, as G. Gordon Liddy would say, "play nicey" -- but our outlook is grim, and we don't really see how cool it looks and feels to walk with a swagger and carry a Nice Big Stick. We wanna turn that Cosmic War Mace into toothpicks for the poor. That ain't gonna sell.

Yall have "shock and awe." We have "ommmm..." -- Do I have to point out that this is No Contest?

Yall have a grand plan to "get government out of people's lives", including their kids (kill public schools), their old age (Social Security), the environment ("jobs before air and water!") and their bankrupting illnesses (health care).

...we have a vague plan to... well, I dunno the plan because --- well, it's vague.

And finally, yall have God and His Word on your side -- and the absolute conviction that you're right and whoever disagrees is wrong. You don't tolerate the Fallen and the Sinful, and you can back it up -- every idea in every human realm (moral, legal, intellectual) -- with scripture. You are able to justify anything based on an ancient, best-selling book that nobody can argue with because,"Hey, it says so right here!"

...Meanwhile, we have dozens of competing paganistic, hedonistic ideas that are in agreement on only one issue: that Everything is Relative -- and one should be Tolerant of Others -- especially their lifestyles.

Your constituency is quoting the Bible on one hand -- and playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" on the other. They go to church and pray -- and then go home and curse, drink beer, and watch fat men play Gladiator With a Pigskin on TV.

We can't compete with that. All we have to offer is a seat at the Unitarian meeting -- where you can join in on a touchy-feely, pretty bad version of "We Are the World" accompanied by an acoustic guitar-playing lesbian.

We're screwed and I know it.

Red rover, red rover, Shark wants to come over...

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Opponents Poison Hillary!

(Rotters News) February 2, 2005 -- WASHINGTON -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said yesterday a fainting spell she suffered might have come from food poisoning that she may have picked up at an expensive Westchester County hotel.

"It was either a 24-hour virus or something we ate," said Clinton, when Rotters Press asked her yesterday what caused her to pass out Monday morning in Buffalo.

"We were celebrating the election in Iraq -- and toasting our victorious President Bush. Everybody ate the same salad," noted Clinton, “but as far as the meat serving, I opted to eat crow -- and had humble pie for dessert.”

Clinton attending a meeting at the Hilton with Newt Gingrich and Jeb Bush on Sunday. The subject of the discussion was to be a compromise on Social Security reform measures.

She declined to blame the hotel or her Republican hosts.

"It was just one of these 24-hour 'bang' events where you just get really, really sick," Clinton said. "I don’t know if I should be suspicious, but I did notice a waiter who looked a lot like Zell Miller. He’s retired now, so I know he can use the work. And the waiter could barely speak English, so the resemblance to Miller was remarkable."

"I decided to get up yesterday morning and keep my schedule, which was probably not the smartest thing to do," Clinton said.

Yesterday, Clinton startled an audience at the Buffalo Saturn Club when she announced Monday morning that she could not continue. Secret Service agents, who accompany her everywhere, slowly ‘rushed’ to her side.

After she was taken to a nearby hospital, tests reveal the level of dioxin in the blood of the Democratic Senator from New York is more than 6,000 times higher than normal.

A normal level of dioxin is between 15 and 45 units. Almost everyone has some level of dioxins because the toxic chemical is widespread in the environment -- mainly from its industrial usages -- and accumulates in the food chain.

In the case of Clinton, doctors at the hospital narrowed the search from more than 400 dioxins to about 29 -- and are confident they will identify the poison by week's end. That, in turn, could provide clues for the investigation of the alleged poisoning.

"From a (chemical) fingerprint, at least you can deduce what kind of sources might have been involved," a police investigator told The Rotters News. "The labs will try to find out whether it matches any of the batches of dioxins that are around, so that maybe you can trace it back to where it was ordered or where it came from. We’re not sure if Zell Miller had anything to do with it, but we did find traces of hominy grits mixed in with the samples."

Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller both denied having anything to do with the poisoning, and added that they are reaching out to all leading Democrats in a series of luncheons and dinners between now and 2008.

"We want to end the bi-partisan bickering," Gingrich said, "---as a matter of fact, this weekend, we're hosting a special Superbowl Party and we've invited Barack Obama to share in some bean dip."

Experts say Clinton, whose face has been pockmarked and disfigured, has probably experienced the worst effects already and should gradually recover, with no impairment to her skills or ability to attract men.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Dangers of Insomnia

Apex night in the cool mausoleum
friends have turned to stone
families sleep in drowned aisles
small children chased by wild animals
in a dead yet haunted zone;
cities are almost silent
filled and stilled
with renegades in metal wombs
hats back in a restful descent.

Nothing but static
beating the concrete veins.

I lie awake
just this side of the interstate
counting and naming the loop of sheep
imagining tears for a meal of pets
knowing that being alive at this hour
leaves me standing by that shut door
with open eyes
ear pressed to the obstacle
which holds
for Us, a sleeping world
of Them.

Thus We are set apart
by our optical curiosity
and the relentless retinal intake.

They are not My Tribe.

Lids sewn open forever,
doubting the imminent arrival of sleep

settle into my restless arms
which at this hour
resemble gods.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Iraqi Election - "Mission Accomplished!"

Rotters News Service - Washington DC.
Jan. 31, 2005

Yesterday, January 30, 2005, was an historic day: Iraq held its first free election in over 50 years. Despite threats from the terrorists who have carried out daily car bombings and assassinations, most of the voting locations remained safe throughout the day.

Initial estimates from an Iraq Interim Government spokesperson put the attendance figures at 72%. Later in the day, they were lowered to 60%. Finally, by early evening, a spokesman admitted that they actually had no idea what percentage of the population voted.

Final results are expected to be announced within a week or so, but initial reports show that -- strange as it may seem -- President George Bush won 52% of the overall vote! U.N. Observer Katherine Harris told reporters that while this is relatively unexpected -- since Bush wasn't even on the Iraqi ballot -- it only confirms what the administration has been saying all along: that the Iraqi people have welcomed George W. Bush as a heroic 'liberator'.

Early exit polls showed Bush held a slight edge over the other 275 candidates, but as of late last night, an 11th hour count of Iraqi expatriate votes from Ohio appears to put President Bush in a strong lead; if this is confirmed in the following days, Bush will be the first person in recent history to be democratically elected to run two separate nations.

Iyad Allawi, current Prime Minister on the Iraqi Interim Governing Council and a good friend of the U.S. administration, was running a close second to President Bush. He celebrated his excellent showing in the election by appearing before a cheering crowd of Iraqis late Sunday night. He stood on the balcony of Paul Bremer's old residence, waved to the crowd, and fired an automatic rifle in the air -- which has been the traditional acceptance speech of Iraqi leaders in the past.

In related news, a group of Democratic leaders from the U.S. -- including Senator John Kerry, Senator Joseph Biden, and House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi -- have put forth a controversial immigration bill which allows Sunni residents of Iraq to immigrate on a "fast-track" to the United States, where they will be encouraged to form a coalition with U.S. Democrats. The bill contains over $2 billion to set up four Sunni relocation processing centers in the following locations: Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio; and Orlando and Miami, Florida.

"We're both marginalized parties in our respective countries, "Pelosi said in a press conference late last night, "and we expect to continue to be discriminated against, repressed, taunted, and even hunted down and killed. We hope to combine efforts, raise our numbers, and therefore constitute a more powerful opposition to the continuing onslaught of the Republican Party."

When asked by reporters why the Democrats feel it's necessary to team up with religious fundamentalists from Iraq, Senator Kerry said, "We have to do something to resurrect the Democratic party -- especially on the 'faith' and 'morals' issues. The GOP already staked out the televangelist, Judeo-Christian territory, leaving us to fend for ourselves using other kooky religious traditions. Islam -- by recommending cutting off the hand of a thief -- might also help us on the old "law & order" issue -- where we Democrats are traditionally viewed as weak. It's becoming clear that Democrat and Sunni numbers are dwindling faster than my wife's New Years resolutions to stop nagging. So we have to find some common ground with another marginalized demographic, and we think the Iraqi Sunnis are a good prospect. We'd like to reach out to them and say, 'We feel your pain.'"

When it was pointed out to Senator Kerry that many of the Iraqi Sunnis have ties to terrorists and murderers in their homeland -- and a vote to allow 'fast-track' immigration status could contribute to the influx of terrorists into the United States, Kerry replied, "Well, I voted for the Sunni immigration bill... before I voted against it. The record is clear on that."