Friday, January 28, 2005

"Trust Me!" -- An Iraqi History Timeline

Great Moments in The History of the War in Iraq


March 19, 2003 - U.S. launches a war against Iraq; the invasion is code-named "Operation Iraqi Liberation" -- aka "OIL" -- but is quickly changed to "Operation Iraqi Freedom." (Later, Arabic scholars point out that the initials "OIF" -- when pronounced in Arabic, means "Crusader's Blunder") The Bush administration paints images resembling Paris in 1944, with Iraqis showering American soldiers with flowers and kisses.

This is gonna be a breeze.

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April 9, 2003 - American troops enter Baghdad; they stage a photo-op wherein Iraqis bring down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein with a U.S. military crane.

Things will get better.

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April 14, 2003 - The Pentagon declares major fighting at an end.

Things are swell!

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May 1, 2003 - President Bush stuffs a pair of socks in the crotch of his flight suit and lands an airplane on the USS Lincoln in a staged photo-op for the American press. A gigantic sign declares, "Mission Accomplished" -- meaning the war in Baghdad is over.

Americans can now celebrate "Victory in Iraq!"

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July 13, 2003 - Paul Bremer appoints 25 Iraqis to an Interim Governing Council.

The violence against Americans should end.

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July 22, 2003 - American soldiers kill Saddam's sons, Husay and Quday. The heirs to power in the Baathist party are dead. It is the beginning of the end of the insurgency.

Things are going to get better.

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September 7, 2003 - President Bush asks Congress for a mere $87 billion for the ongoing 'police action' in Iraq. Nation building ain't cheap, and unlike the Democrats, when the Republicans throw money at a problem, it gets solved.

Things couldn't be better!

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December 13, 2003 - American soldiers capture Saddam Hussein. He is confined and will later be tried in a court of law in what has been called, "The Trial of the Century." (Iraqis apparently never heard of O.J. Simpson) This is the end of the insurgency among pro-Saddam Baathists.

Things are great! Whoo-hoo! Let's par-tay, America!

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April 4, 2004 - U.S. troops begin the first in a series of futile "assualts" on the city of Falluja. In Vietnam era parlance, "We had to destroy the village in order to save it."

Things are looking up!

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May 28, 2004 - Iyad Allawi, an ex-Baathist hit man and CIA and MI-5 employee is appointed Prime Minister of Iraq. He is called "Saddam Lite", and the hope is that he can get control of his semi-domesticated Troglodyte fellow Iraqis. He is armed, by the way.

Things are going to get better now, we promise!

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June 28, 2004 - In a surprise move, the United States transfers power back to Iraqis two days early. The ceremony was held in secret to thwart attacks by Iraqi insurgents. Only 30 people were present.

Um, we wanted it to be a surprise. Things are REALLY gonna improve now that these bastards have their 'sovereignty.' Trust me.

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July 7, 2004 - Things are going so swell that to celebrate the relative peace and calm in the streets, Prime Minister Allawi signs a law permitting him to impose martial law.

This is really a good thing for 'freedom' and 'democracy'!

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January 30, 2005 - Iraqi elections go off without a hitch. At least ten or twelve people were able to vote, thus insuring a consensus in a country united by its tribal and religious past.

This is great, wonderful, fantastic! No more bombs, killings, or dead American G.I.s! The Iraqis finally have their democracy.

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February 1, 2005 - Thanks to a secretly negotiated deal between Bush, Blair, and Saddam Lite, the new "Iraqi" government asks all foreign troops to leave Iraq. Bush gets down on his knees and thanks God.

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February 2, 2005 - Americans begin withdrawal. Taliban sets up shop, but is thwarted by chaos and anarchism created by escalating civil war.

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February 3, 2005 - Rumsfeld and Cheney remind Bush that the Muslim Haj is currently taking place; they encourage Bush to drop H-Bombs on Mecca and Messina, thus finally -- once and for all -- insuring "peace, security, democracy, and freedom" in the Middle East.

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Official Iraqi Voting Instructions

Shark's Official Withdrawal Plan