Thursday, January 06, 2005

IRAQ VOTER MEMO: Vote (and) or Die?


Greetings, my fellow Iraqi citizens.

As you know, the ongoing reconstruction of our nation is making great progress under the auspices of the Nice American Soldiers.

As you also know, the first free democratic election in Iraqi history will occur in a few weeks. This election is the culmination of the American Liberation, and will be the final act before these 150,000 American soldiers go home happy with the knowledge that they left Iraq much better than when they found it.

Phase One, as you will remember, amounted to their glorious arrival -- amid showers of kisses and flowers, by the way -- in Baghdad -- followed by the highly orchestrated photo-op toppling of Saddam's statue live on American TV.

Placing the American flag on Saddam's statue, as you recall, was a bit of ad hoc improv by a soldier who went ‘off-script’ -- as they say in Hollywood. The American marketing people immediately recognized the faux pas inherent in that gesture, and it was quickly corrected by placing an Iranian flag over the statue -- both of which unfortunately disappeared during the subsequent nation-wide looting that followed.

(Oh well, Democracy, as President Bush is so fond of saying -- is "Hard Work".)

Phase Two, as you recall, was the above-mentioned nation-wide looting, which allowed thirty years of anti-Baathist sentiment to be expressed over a few violent, anarchic days. It was what the Americans call "stress-release" -- and is thought to be relatively health-inducing -- although a side effect turned out to be the loss of humanity's collection of Babylonian and Assyrian relics... plus the entire infrastructure of our humble nation.

Oh well, on to Phase Three.

Phase Three, as you remember, occurred in July of 2004, with the long awaited gesture known as "turning over sovereignty to the Iraqis". This "Sovereignty" was touted as an effective solution to the death squads, beheadings, bombings, and anarchy which were running so rampant in our newly liberated nation.

Sovereignty meant that Iraqi army, Iraqi police, civic workers, and general public could now share in the sacrifices the American soldiers were making for our glorious, freedom-loving democracy. In other words, everyone -- no matter what their job or nationality -- could now die by a violent act for abstract American ideals that were probably impossible to attain.

And as you know, sovereignty was very effective in this regard. Earlier, those sacrifices had been made very ineffectively -- at least from a numerical and resource allocation standpoint. Before July of 03, sacrifices for Democracy were made a person at a time -- through inefficient kidnappings and beheadings.

After July of 03, these were consolidated into much more effective and efficient suicide bombings, roadside explosions, mass executions, and periodic assassinations.

Progress: it is good.

And now, in January of 05, we have the upcoming elections. The following is meant to be a primer as to the technical details we are encouraging our fellow Iraqis to follow when it comes time to 'cast your vote.'

If you wish to vote for the SUNNI candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Shiite temple;
2) assassinate a Shiite cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Shiite neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for the SHIITE candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) bomb a Sunni temple;
2) assassinate a Sunni cleric;
3) blow up an election hall in a Sunni neighborhood;
4) all of the above.

If you wish to vote for an Islamic Terrorist candidate, (Al Qaeda party), you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) deliver the head of a US citizen to any voting location; (a Halliburton employee will be counted as TWO votes);
2) blow up a Sunni temple AND a Shiite temple, and deliver a videotape of the explosions to Al Jazeera.
3) Please come to Najaf or Mosul to be "counted"; wear a black mask and BYORPG (bring your own RPGs);

If you wish to vote for the KURDISH candidate, you are asked to cast your vote by one of the following ways:

1) killing yourself;
2) moving to Turkey;
3) getting AIDS from some corrupt American female soldier;
4) getting AIDS from some corrupt American male soldier, you heathen Sodomite!
4) all of the above.

The "Interim" Government of Iraq wishes to thank you in advance for voting in the upcoming democratic election.

We all know that within minutes of the election, the Nice American Soldiers will be packing up their Game Boys, IPODS, and western porno magazines and heading back to their homes in America -- and any way that we can encourage this action and the subsequent uniting of all friendly, loving, compassionate Iraqi brothers and sisters will be good for the future of Iraq.

God Bless America -- and Allah Bless Iraq!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Biblical Shit and Other Stuff

Wow. I was wrong. Bush was right.

And, man, was I wrong; I listened to my pagan instincts; big mistake.

Bush listened to God. ~Whoa. And it turns out that God really can kick Allah's ass if He wants to.

God (aka "Mr. Forgiveness") apparently celebrated the birth of His Son, Savior and Redeemer of Humankind, by saying, "Merry Fucking Christmas. Happy New Year. It's 2005, welcome to Armageddon -- oh, and have you met Tsunami?"

Yep. He finally spoke. It turns out He speaks to Bush all the time, and after September 11, God spoke to George A LOT MORE OFTEN -- and I think he used the word "CRUSADE" and "INVADE" pretty regularly, too.

And of course, God is always right. And just when you get your hopes up -- thinking He's that Touchy-Feely Merciful Guy from the New Testament, He turns around and puts a Cosmic Whupass on the planet.

But you'll notice He doesn't fuck with America. (Other than an occasional whack upside Florida's head; they're mostly Jews down there...) No, God fucks with godless heathens -- more specifically, Muslims in the Asian-Pacific part of the world.

Drown their motherfuckin' asses en masse. No time for Noah, Shem, and Ham; nope, just enough time for a big Cosmic Flyswatter to return some semblence of balance to the region.

Of course, in my stoned vernacular, Gaia always has Her say. Tsunamis are Her way of controlling population. Pandemics are Her way of slowing economic growth. Earthquakes are Her way of telling us not to build obstacles to a nice view of the horizon.


Couple of random thoughts for the New Year.

1) Let's start with some good ol' fashioned American phonetic spellings of some of the more common words we'll be using in 05; can we agree on SOMETHING?

Do you like "Sunami" or Sunamy"?

"Al Kayda" or "Al Kyduh"?

Let me know. This is important.

Speaking of radical muslims and sunamies (sic): where are the richest countries in the world when it comes to these 'aid' and 'assistance' funds?

Y'know -- Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirate -- those fuckers with all the oil and all of the cash that Bush so readily lusts after?

Where are THEY when it comes time to rebuild the radical, 'Merican-hating madrassas?

Can't they contribute a few billion to help their own in a time of need?

And why am I the only person asking?


BTW: I noticed that the worst natural disaster in contemporary history is up to ONE ENTIRE WEEK on the American NEWS.

Wow! Not bad for a nation suffering from ADD and Compassion Saturation (post-xmas, y'know... enough with the recovering alcoholic bell-ringers!).

I predict we'll be interested for about 3 more days (...where's Florida?) -- until the News Robots run out of new home videos shot by palsied vacationers with DV cameras.

Happy New Year.

Stop Rutting.

That is all for now.