Thursday, February 24, 2005

Are You "Male" or "Female"? Take The Test!

Welcome to Shark's


Neurological scientists have found evidence that there are some distinct physiological differences between the male and female brain structures. This implies that some behavioral tendencies are also gender-based, but as with most aspects of the complex human mind, few persons can be simplified as 'all or nothing' when it comes to gender behaviors.

Evolutionary trends have insured that most of us contain aspects of both male and female personality dispositions; otherwise, long ago we would have wiped out the species through war and violence -- or constant nagging and bitching.

Below is a test to help you determine what percent of your mind is MALE and FEMALE.

Choose the sentence that best suits you.

#1: My basic philosophy about personal appearance is:

A) I like to look nice by being well-dressed and well-groomed, and I find those same qualities attractive in a mate or companion.
B) Who cares what they look like; you don't fuck their face.

#2: My idea of a nice evening at home alone would include:

A) chocolate and a Nora Roberts novel.
B) a six-pack of Keystone and a porno movie.

#3: A MALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems he's having with his significant other; I respond by:

A) ...sending him a nice, thoughtful Hallmark card that contains encouraging words of friendship and sympathy.
B) ...getting him drunk, taking all of his money in a few games of pool, mocking his sexuality, joking about his family life -- and finally beating the shit out of him on his front lawn at 3:00 A.M. 'cause he got smart on the way home.

#4: A FEMALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems she's having with her significant other; I respond by:

A) ...spending hours listening, sharing tears, and giving good advice.
B) ...pretending to be sympathetic, and then offering to share my bed in case she wants to leave him for an hour or two some Saturday night.

#5: While watching the Olympics ice skating competition, I can appreciate:

A) the skill, beauty, coordination, and sheer artistry of these incredible athletes.
B) the fact that most of the guys are faggots, and the women in those short little skirts probably have the tightest asses and most muscular legs I've ever seen.

#6: If I wrote a fairy tale, I would include:

A) a handsome prince, a beautiful princess, and a happy ending.
B) a powerful evil king, a harem of big breasted virgins unable to speak, and a climatic Kung Fu fight between naked Swedish fashion models.

#7: I think the pictures from Abu Ghraib were:

A) evil, disgusting, perverted -- and they were very damaging to American moral authority abroad.
B) very similar to hazing rituals I participated in at college -- and they demonstrated to those murderous sand-niggers that America means business when it comes to punishing people who we suspect might be even remotely related to terrorist activities.

#8: Michael Jackson is...

A) ...incredibly gifted and talented, but I wouldn't let him my children near him.
B) ...a goofy monstrous freak, but I'd like to have fifteen minutes locked in a room with him, a whip, and a jar of Vaseline.

#9: Driving through the country, I see a young deer run across the road late at night; I think...

A) ...of Bambi -- and remember my wonderful childhood.
B) ...of Bambi's mother -- and remember I need to clean my 30.06 before November.

#10: Women are a great contribution to the workplace, because...

A) ...they balance out the decision-making process by perceiving what men often miss, add a sympathetic emotional approach to customer service, and contribute to a healthy diversity of outlooks and attitudes.
B) ...they flirt, wear short skirts, and show lots of cleavage on 'dress-down' Fridays. Oh, and somebody has to make coffee and clean up the office kitchen.

For each A, add 1 point.
For each B, add 5 points.

If you scored 10 or less, you're ALL WOMAN. Estrogen drips from every pore; you can cry at the drop of a hat; you are a mother to birds, animals, and the young -- a sister and soul mate to every women you meet, and you can sympathize with inanimate objects.

If you scored between 11 and 30, you're very CONFUSED -- and probably either a repressed homosexual or lesbian. (*To find out, see Homo/Lesbo Test below) You often find yourself fluctuating between being an arrogant, aggressive asshole and a relentless, petty bitch. You can eviscerate another human being in a heartbeat, but then turn around and give them a hug.

If you scored between 31 and 50, you're ALL MAN. Testosterone drips from every pore. You can get a titanium boner watching sports, violence, Sesame Street, or two dogs fucking in the park. You can drink your weight in beer and still navigate the Ford F-150 into the garage at 4 A.M. You can kick someone's ass at the drop of a hat; you have no sympathy or compassion for anyone or anything; you tend to see every women you meet as a vagina with legs; you think of Mother Earth as something to exploit, conquer, control and generally fuck over for profit. You love Pro Wrestling, deep-fried pork rinds, and picking your nose while stopped at a red light in traffic. You tend to vote Republican -- and if not, you still think Zell Miller would make the best Democratic president in history.

NOTE: Kill yourself now -- for the sake of the species and the planet. Thanks in advance.


* The Supplemental Homo/Lesbo Test

Which of the following would you prefer as the perfect pet?

A) A Siamese cat, a Rottweiller, or an obnoxious talking bird.

B) A big fwuffy kitty, a toy poodle dyed pink, or a young Richard Gere?


If you choose A, you're a repressed Lesbian.

If you choose B, you're a repressed Homosexual.


"...Who are the sackers of cities and makers of war? Who massacres the innocent and grinds the faces of the poor? Who are the enslavers, pirates, and vandals? Who the witch-hunters, the inquisitors and torturers? I cannot name them one and all; but this much I know: whatever their names, they will not be names of women. If I walk through a burning village strewn with bodies, I may not know the race or nation of those who committed this crime; but have I any need to enquire after their sex?"

From The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak




Anonymous Monkey! said...

Okay. The supplemental test was hilarious. That just made the whole thing utterly brilliant!

Thought I'd drop by to visit and witness your antics... we should be friends! We both like naps, Amelie and Neal Stephenson... and Al thinks we dress funny.

11:15 PM  
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You're so pretentious. And young. Also, I have a lobster phone.

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