Saturday, May 29, 2004

RIAA Catches Bin Laden

May 28, 2004
(Rotters News Service)

On Wednesday, the recording industry sued another computer user for illegally sharing music across the Internet, but among the indie loving college students, grandmothers hip to Enya and Elton, and the horde of twelve-year-old Britney fans that have been sued by a terror-stricken industry, the latest music downloading fanatic to feel the long arm of copyright law is unique -- to say the least.

For over a decade, he's eluded the CIA, FBI, MI-5, Interpol, and the entire U.S. Military, but today, Osama bin Laden -- leader of the international terrorist group Al Qaeda   -- felt the sting of an even more efficient and bloodthirsty organization: RIAA, the Recording Industry Association of America.

Their investigators tracked a large number of music downloads to an Internet protocol address based somewhere in the Middle East. Further investigations pinpointed an old IMAC in a cave near the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where bin Laden has been 'holed-up' since late 2001 when the U.S. invaded his Taliban stronghold.

Al Qaeda officials told Al Jazeera News that -- due to various circumstances -- Osama bin Laden has been alone, isolated, and unable to leave his current residence, so it's understood that a little music might serve to brighten up his dull and dreary life.

"He wasn't selling the music to anyone else," an Al Qeada spokeman said, "he wasn't profiting from it; he was just sampling various songs to find out if he would buy the CD once he had access. Our fearless leader doesn't see downloading music as a crime, but a chance for unknown or underplayed musical artists to have their music heard by people who might later make a purchase. This is yet another western imperialist injustice!"

The spokesman admitted that bin Laden favored classic rock artists, especially from the 1960s, but justified those downloads by pointing out that bin Laden had originally purchased the recordings on vinyl, 8-track, cassette, and later, even some CD master tape remixes.

"Osama told me," the Al Qaeda spokeman added, "that in some cases -- due to changes in technology -- he had spent a small fortune on the same album over and over again. It was crazy! He said it added to his violent thoughts against the West, and I would imagine that this latest injustice by the RIAA will only mean more dead Americans in the future."

The Al Qeada spokesman said that bin Laden's favorite band was the Doors, since he's downloaded over fifteen different versions of "Five To One" -- including a number of live versions and some unreleased studio takes that were never used.

"He dances around the cave singing along with 'Five to One' at the top of his lungs," the spokesman said, "spinning his camo-robe like a whirling dervish; it's a great, spiritual, political, and sort of sexual moment for anyone present. It's especially haunting when he does the spoken part!"

The recording industry usually files its complaints against defendents by identifying them only by their numeric Internet protocol addresses, but in this case, they thought the high-profile status of their latest case would discourage others from downloading music online. It said lawyers will work through the courts to request subpoenas against the terrorist leader and will serve papers to his cave on the Pakistani border by Friday.

The latest filings brings the number of lawsuits filed by the recording industry to some 2500 people since last summer. None of the cases has yet gone to trial, and 437 people so far have agreed to pay financial penalties of about $3,000 as settlements. Bin Laden, through his spokesman, would not indicate whether he plans to fight the lawsuit or just settle out of court.

==== end of news article ===

If you're wondering as to the appeal a thirty-year-old Doors song might have to an international Islamic terrorist, like everyone else -- c'mon, IT'S THE LYRICS. (provided below)

FIVE TO ONE

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive--
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby if we try

The old get old
And the young get stronger
May take a week
And it may take longer

They got the guns
But we got the numbers
Gonna win, yeah
We're takin' over
Yeah! Come on!

(spoken)
Your ballroom days are over, baby
Night is drawing near
Shadows of the evening crawl across the years
Ya walk across the floor with a flower in your hand
Trying to tell me no one understands
Trade in your hours for a handful dimes
Gonna' make it, baby, in our prime

Come together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, aha
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, gotta, get together
Ohhhhhhhh!

Hey, c'mon, honey
You won't have along wait for me, baby
I'll be there in just a little while
You see, I gotta go out in this car with these people and... uh...

Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah...



A Poem for My Grandson

Tired of my outrageous politics, my hyperbole, my vitriol? Me too. My life includes a lot more than an overtaxed spleen.

I do have a soft side, the side that takes care of a little boy for a few days each week. What follows is quite a deviation from the regular exhibitions here at The Museum of Madness, as far from madness as is humanly possible, the exact opposite of madness, the antithesis of madness!

This is a piece I wrote for my grandson, Chase Michael Adams. He'll be four in July 04.

I've kept him 3-4 days a week (ever since he was the size of a cantaloupe), so you can imagine how attached we are. He calls me "papa" and is the joy of my life.

I can watch him sleeping and start to cry from the crushing weight of my love.


SPECIAL

There is a small, special place
where the laws of Nature go ignored,
where physics is transformed
by the sound of a child’s voice---

Where the concept of Pixie Dust lifts a great ship
to sail through the sky on windy tides
past unseen islands and glowing galaxies.

There is a moonlit sea
that hovers overhead;
a young boy weighs anchor
and aims for the stars.

There is a small, special time
that defies the arc of the sun
and shifts the shadows in the garden---
that makes the morning last forever
or until the call to come home.

Science here is humbled,
experiments made moot---
for a laundry basket is a rocket ship,
the driveway, a beach---
the yard, an ocean---
and God, a young boy.

He flutters His fingers and flies;
He closes His eyes and becomes invisible;
He points at a lion and says,
“That's me.”

* * *



Thursday, May 27, 2004

Thought for the Day

"We are all hunting for rational reasons for believing in the absurd."

— Lawrence Durrell, from "Justine"

God Hates Bad Art

Want proof that God exists? Better yet, want proof He intervenes on the earthly plane and has good taste to boot?!

On Tuesday, a fire swept through a warehouse containing a large portion of one of the worst "art" collections in the world, that of Charles Saatchi, art collector and marketing mastermind behind a decade or so of frauds perpetrated in the name of cultural artifacts.

Saatchi, as you might recall, owned the art works featured in the 'controversial' exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum of Art in 1999; the show, "SENSATION" was popularized by a moron of a mayor, (later to become a low-grade "hero") Rudy "But It's Elephant Poop!" Guiliani, whose attempts to keep people from seeing the damaging image of a Virgin Mary accompanied by elephant dung inspired millions of curious visitors to FLOCK to Brooklyn to see the damn thing!

By the way: I use the term "Exhibition" loosely; actually, it was an ad campaign sponsored by a 'non-profit' art museum that was really a tax-exempt profit-chasing marketing whore for an advertising executive who wanted to bump up the prices on -- what else? -- HIS OWN PIECE O' SHIT ART COLLECTION.

Yeah. Saatchi, when not collecting art, makes commercials and produces ads. In other words, he is Satan Incarnate. And what happens when Satan meets P.T. Barnum and is rich enough to buy friends who tell him he has "taste"? Oh boy, this guy makes Madonna look like a blind, autistic amateur with a plywood lemonade stand on the backroad to Bakersfield.

(I should also mention that I have nothing against Chris Ofili's artwork, where an African Black Madonna has a pile of pachyderm poop added to her 'landscape'; it's actually a pretty tame piece next to the rest of Saatchi's hellhole of certifiable ugly, senseless attempts to shock with his twisted, perverted, mindless, faux-intellectual, post-post-modern "YOUNG BRITISH" artist punks. These folks took John Cage's brilliant irony, "...I have nothing to say and I'm saying it..." WAY TOO SERIOUSLY -- and were able to create entire careers based on that concept and a public that could afford the luxury of being depressed by their avant-garde collections of disturbing ugliness.)

Anyway, as a once-raging agnostic, I heard the news about the Saatchi warehouse going up in fire and brimstone (that's a great post-post modern art work now that I think about it!) and got down on my knees and begged God, Jehovah, Allah, Krishna, Jove, and Arthur C. Clarke to forgive my past transgressions and lack of faith in a Supreme, All-Knowing, Just and Vengeful, British Shit-Art Hating Diety.

(Now... if Our Heavenly Father will see fit to strike down all those satanic Museum Directors and their corrupt, baby-eating, puppy-strangling curatorial staffs...)

--- quotes from the story ---


...Millions of pounds worth of artworks in Charles Saatchi's famous collection are feared destroyed in a warehouse fire. Modern art classics including Tracey Emin's tent and Hell, by brothers Jake and Dinos Chapman, may have perished. Monday's blaze swept through an east London industrial estate, where art storers Momart have a warehouse.

...Tracey Emin's tent "Everyone I have ever slept with 1963-5" has 102 names sewn onto the sides including her lovers, her aborted foetuses and relatives she slept with as a child.

[oh. my. god. Quick! Somebody get me a Bouguereau!!!]

...A spokesman for Saatchi said they were still waiting for confirmation about what had been lost, but that Charles was "absolutely devastated".

[Pray to God it's the entire collection!]

...the warehouse also contained works by Turner prize winners Damien Hirst [becoming a young, tortured suicide would perhaps be the best marketing this dickhead could do] and Rachel Whiteread, and the art world is shocked and saddened by the news.

...Brian Sewell, the London Evening Standard's art critic, told BBC News 24 that the blaze "had the makings of an appalling tragedy for the history of contemporary art".

[Sewell must have owned some stock -- or he's going to retire as a consultant to Saatchi; either way, he needs to rip out his own tongue and nail it to a wall at the Tate as redemption for that statement of melodramatic hyperbole.]

...He also said he felt particularly sorry for Momart: "They are one of the most trusted, respected and reliable firms". The company, one of the world's largest specialists in handling fine arts and antiquities, spent Tuesday contacting clients to inform them of the loss.

=== end of excerpt ===



full story

My Solution In Iraq

I wrote this almost two months ago, which shows how little things have changed. As a matter of fact, they've only gotten worse. Here is my paranoid-diplomatic solution to Iraq, aka BUSH'S BLUNDER.

=================


Okay.

Over the last few days, I became a convert.

I realized that the only time we're going to see crowds cheering in the streets of Iraq is when they're hanging a burned American body part on a bridge as sort of an Islamic/Neanderthal Maypole celebration.

So I spent yesterday in my attic digging out and dusting off my old "BRING OUR BOYS HOME" signs from 1968.

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

The latest mindless catch-phrase is, "Well, we're over there and we have to finish the job." You hear it from everybody, liberals, Dems, Neo-Cons, Repubs, little old ladies, and motard MTV types. I figure if everybody is saying it, it must be wrong. They're hypnotized.

"We must finish the job!"

Everybody seems to have forgotten: WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASN'T OUR JOB, so why finish it?

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

I mean, what are you people waiting for? Democracy?

We 'give' them democracy, who the hell do you think they're going to "vote" for?

In case you haven't noticed, they're voting every day, except instead of a fake count like we had in Florida, they're using roadside bombs, mass marches, and burned dead Americans.

"GET OUT OF IRAQ!"

Oh, and did I mention: WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Especially when Bush & Co. had everything planned except the days and months and years after "liberation."

We'll never win this with 130,000 military. I doubt that we could win it with half a million. Imagine a foreign army occupying California. Jeesus, give 'em AK-47s and RPGs, and the Crips and Bloods alone could kick the ass of any army in the world!

No, we won't win in Iraq; not in a year or a decade. It's a no-win. It's a fantasy, kinda like giving 'democracy' to a country filled with primitive Islamic nutbars.

So at the current rate, eventually Bush Jr. will have to drop a few H-bombs and incinerate Iraq just to save face and show that even testicles are bigger in Texas; it's only a matter of time.

The end game in Iraq is a nuclear bomb. Trust me. (Hey, you trusted George, why can't you trust me?)

Do we do it sooner -- or later?

(Or better yet, maybe Bush and Cheney should dress up in those little flight-suit costumes and go over there show us how it's supposed to be done: They can put on cowboy hats and ride the Big One from the bomb-bay of a B-52 all the way onto Main Street in Fallujah. They wanted it so bad, let those criminals die for it. Slim Pickens would have. And George already HAS a cowboy hat!)



REPORTER: "President Bush, now that weapons of mass destruction -- your main justification for going to war in Iraq -- appear to be non-existent, what possible reason can you have for putting American lives at risk and draining the American treasury?"

PRES. BUSH: "umm... um... I can no longer sit back and allow infiltration, indoctrination, subversion, and an international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! Yee-haw!"

============





Okay, maybe 'nook-yul-er' weapons are a bit of an overreaction on my part.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF IRAQ.

Why the hell do we have to 'finish the job'?

We do what American CEOs do when their companies start sliding toward an economic implosion: We simply resign. Leave it for somebody else to clean up. Let 'em dangle... or eat cake. Isn't that sort of the entire political and philosophical attitude of the Bush Administration anyway?

Fuck the 'employees.' Fuck the 'stockholders.'

Fuck everybody; let's go home. I resign.

And it's real simple: Here's how you do it;

You say:

"This wasn't what I expected."

"I don't see that this position has any real opportunities for me in the future."

"I want to spend more time with my family."

"I no longer share a common vision with the Board of Directors."

"I feel this is best for me and the organization at this time."

"I have health issues I need to address."


See how easy that is?

But people say, "SHARK! We can't do that! We can't JUST LEAVE IRAQ to the insurgents, the terrorists, and the civil wars!"

"Why?" I ask.

"Because... we just... can't."

"Then," I say, "let's quit screwing around and just bomb them off the map and get it over with."

"No," they say, "That does tend to make it easier to win, but we are trying to take the high road and not 'bomb them into dust', 'hearts and minds' and all that -- this is why we are experiencing a higher mortality rate. You liberal wimps must be patient."

"Gee," I say, "kinda sounds like politics is restraining an all-out military victory. Hmm, when was the last time we heard that? mmm... lemme think... Oh yeah, VIETNAM!"

"SO, SHARK, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? Just we should nuke the fuckers? Or daisy-cutter major Sunni cities into rubble? Or MOAB Baghdad? Look, I know you don't think we should have been there in the first place. That's a reasonable opinion. But we ARE there. So what do we do now, SHARK?"

"Nuke 'em all?

Bomb civilians without any remorse?

Do what we're doing now, avoiding civilian casualities while going after extremists?

Run away like a French school-boy and scream "We're sorry! We're sorry!"??

Which is it? Or do you have another option?"

And I answer: "OF COURSE I'VE GOT AN OPTION!"


== Shark's Solution to Iraq ==

phase 1: EXIT IMMEDIATELY.

phase 2: Line the entire Iraqi border with land mines, barbed wire, and a gigantic wall (built by Halliburton, of course).

phase 3: Step back and watch.

phase 4: Videotape the results from various vantage points along the wall: sell it on late night cable as "Iraqis Gone Wild". Give profits to families of the 9/11 dead and casualties from Bush's Blunder.

By the way: I'll be announcing my candidacy for President of the United States for the 2004 election by the end of this week. Email credit card numbers to: fwbull@earthlink.net)


Trade Elmer Fudd for John McCain!

A whole lotta people are saying that the best way to reunite these Divided States, reclaim the national standing and integrity abroad, and end this uncivil Cultural Civil War is to get Republican Senator John McCain to join John Kerry as candidate for Vice President.

Sounds like a pretty good idea, the kind of idea a "uniter, not a divider" might want to encourage.

But it appears McCain might not want to flee the Republican Party, and despite this recent encounter with Professional Moron and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, one would assume that the GOP doesn't want another Senator to jump ship in the middle of a Bush-inspired 'Titanic moment', aka Armageddon.


WASHINGTON (CNN)

...Talking to reporters, Hastert pretended not to know who McCain was when asked about a recent statement by the GOP senator from Arizona.

As other House GOP members stood behind him laughing, Hastert, R-Illinois, then expressed doubt that McCain was indeed a Republican.

The exchange started when a reporter asked: "Can I combine a two issues, Iraq and taxes? I heard a speech from John McCain the other day..."

Hastert: "Who?"

Reporter: "John McCain."

Hastert: "Where's he from?"

Reporter: "He's a Republican from Arizona."

Hastert: "A Republican?"

Amid nervous laughter, the reporter continued with his question: "Anyway, his observation was never before when we've been at war have we been worrying about cutting taxes and his question was, 'Where's the sacrifice?'"

Hastert: "If you want to see the sacrifice, John McCain ought to visit our young men and women at Walter Reed and Bethesda. There's the sacrifice in this country. We're trying to make sure they have the ability to fight this war, that they have the wherewithal to be able to do it. And, at the same time, we have to react to keep this country strong."

Walter Reed Army Medical Center and Bethesda National Naval Medical Center are two military hospitals in the Washington area.

McCain, a prisoner of war during Vietnam, later released a written statement, taking issue with the spending habits of Republican lawmakers.

"The Speaker is correct in that nothing we are called upon to do comes close to matching the heroism of our troops. All we are called upon to do is not spend our nation into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk their lives. I fondly remember a time when real Republicans stood for fiscal responsibility. Apparently those days are long gone for some in our party."

== end of CNN excerpt ==


So here's an angry little Denny Hastert lecturing John McCain -- an ex-aviator who was held prisoner and tortured in Vietnam -- on the sacrfices of war! What a world-class dick! Can the irony get any thicker with these Right-Wing chickenhawk assholes? Cheney "had other priorities" -- Bush was too busy doing cocaine to show up for duty with the danger-filled National Guard, and John McCain has to have "sacrifices" pointed out to him by some arrogant asshole *WHO NEVER SERVED IN THE MILITARY.

*Um, that would be Hastert, by the way. (There are so many neo-con hawks who avoided service, that I thought I should point that out.)

But hey, sports fans, let's see that wing-cannon open fire once again in slow-motion:

"...The Speaker is correct in that nothing we are called upon to do comes close to matching the heroism of our troops. All we are called upon to do is not spend our nation into bankruptcy while our soldiers risk their lives. I fondly remember a time when real Republicans stood for fiscal responsibility. Apparently those *days are long gone for some in our party."

* see Jan. 20, 2001 for exact date (Bush inauguration)

Ya gotta love this guy! McCain takes the high road, uses a rare touch of irony and satire, BAM, slam dunks that knuckle-draggin' dipshit Hastert and his entire political party!

Whoo-hoo! WE NEED THIS GUY! But how...?

Hmmmm....

I've got an idea: red-rover, red-rover... we'll trade one ELMER FUDD, uh, I mean Joe Lieberman for one JOHN MCCAIN. They can have that wheezy, bloated, constipated cartoon character, the best Republican the Democrats have ---

And we'll take that honest, fiesty, half-whacked, emotional, ex-"war hero" who values integrity above electability, calls 'em as he sees 'em, and is the Best Damn Democrat the Republicans have ever produced.

We'll trade one Elmer Joe Fuddlieberman for one John McCain: Fair enough?

C'mon, we might even throw in a Zell Miller...

Wagging the Scared Dog

SPEAKING OF WAGGING THE DOG: The Bush Junta makes Clinton look like an amateur.

Headlines have gone from

--"Another Bombing in Baghad"
--"Gas Prices Highest in History"
-- "More Abu Ghraib Horrors Released"
-- "Bush Plunges in Polls"
-- "Europe, NATO, and the UN say to Bush: Fuck You, We Ain't touchin' Your Oozing Puss-Filled Open American Sore Known as Iraq"

~ to ~

"TERRORISTS PLAN TO ATTACK ON US SOIL"

Gee. Like we didn't KNOW that... especially after we blew Iraq.

Look: It's now almost JUNE OF 2004, and we haven't seen hide nor hair of Tom Ridge since the day he was appointed "Director of Fatherland Security" -- but now that:

1) Bush's popularity is plunging;
2) Iraq is getting worse (if that's possible);
3) Abu Ghraib and the US military's idea of homoeroticism won't go away;
4) the economy, thanks to gasoline, is about to tank even more...

...THEY TROT OUT THE TERRORISTS.

"Get Ridge out there to rustle up some "scare"!"

No, by "Terrorists" I do not mean Bin Laden and his boyz, I mean the Bush Administration spokesmen who casually drop words like "Dirty Bomb" and "Bioterrorism" into interviews with every empty talking head on every TV channel this morning. They're not only trying to frighten us into a "Bush/Cheney 04" T-shirt, they're trying to do a Cover-Yer-Ass move in case this summer ends like the one in '01. "Hey, we told you... even had an explicit report titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Before 04 Election ('Cuz He's for Kerry)"

What are they trying to tell us?

Be vigilant.

Fuck you, Tommy. You BE vigilant.

I'm too busy collecting cans along the side of the highway to notice what sort of freight is coming into Houston -- or who is getting on an airplane with a smoking shoe or a pair of fingernail files.

You be vigilant, Tommy.

Or get that Republican Cash Cow/Golden Calf, the Star-Wars Missile Defense Program up and running, but make damn sure they add a setting for "Crop Dusters".

Better yet, take some of that $175 BILLION you dickheads spent in Iraq and shore up the USA's borders -- which leak more than Karl Rove's office about the identity of CIA agents married to whistleblowers.

=======

now... where's my Soma...?

Terror as a Marketing Tool

I wrote this almost two months ago, but after yesterday's NEWS BLITZ about the upcoming Summer of Terror, I thought it was appropriate.


===================


I know it's my patriotic duty to be scared, terrified, and terrorized -- because my President constantly reminds me.

Shortly after 9/11, Bush and Co. instituted a "color coded" scare alert to let me and my fellow Americans know just how scared we should be; its called the "Terrorist Threat Level" and comes in various pretty, almost soothing colors. This color code not only made it easier to alert the American public, but it effectively requisitioned the rainbow, taking it back from those pesky gay troublemakers (who had turned a symbol of Utopia in Kansas to a symbol of utopia for people used to getting the shit beat out of 'em for what they do behind closed doors with consenting adults; Now when Judy Garland sings, "Somewhere over the Rainbow," we can imagine a post-9/11 civilian bomb shelter instead of a gay disco party. Damn right.)

Terrorist Threat Alert. Scary Rainbow. That's better.

Then we had White House spokesman Ari "I studied Himmler" Fleischer warning Americans to "be careful" what they say.

That was scary, too. As a matter of fact, the last time a flaccid, frustrated right-wing bald guy uttered those words, Italy joined the Evil Axis, brown shirts became a really IN fashion statement among ruthless killers, and the world spent the next seven years at war.

Then along came "The Patriot Act" -- which is about the scariest phrase since "Big Brother is Watching" -- except that was a fictional invention created to frighten the reader, and this happened to be paraded in front of God and the nation as something to be proud of.

You know that any legislation that needs the word "Patriot" attached to it means somebody is going to get fucked, but no, everybody was sufficiently scared, and so they not only voted for it, but bragged about it afterwards.

The Patriot Act. The Patriot Hunt. The Patriot Burnings. The Patriot Lynchings. One imagines all sorts of fantastic legislation will follow the Patriot Act, if only we become scared enough.

Right after 9/11, it appeared that most of the Al-Qaeda terrorists were being supported by a nation-state of thugs who ruled Afghanistan. The logical thing to do to fight terrorism was to invade Afghanistan, remove the thugs, and then go after the terrorist cells imbedded in nations around the world using infiltration, spy techniques, police efforts, and ways to disrupt their money laundering.

So what did our President do? He invaded Iraq. He created a few million new terrorists and gave them a new unstable anarchic nation-state in which to recruit, train, arm and thrive. Cool. Long live terror!

That's because the Republicans long ago figured this one out:

AS LONG AS WE'RE SCARED, WE'LL VOTE REPUBLICAN, the party of the tough guys, the macho men, the uber-studs, the military-industrial tit-minders, the neo-cons, the party of the Hawks in Humvees. (John Wayne died for your sins. You'll take my gun when you pry my cold dead finger from the trigger -- and other such born-again Christian sentiments.)

And as if Bush hadn't spread enough TERROR among Americans (making him a what, kids?), the other day, our President George W. Bush told reporters that he fully expects another major attack on American soil before the November election.

No embarrassing future hearings asking what they were doing on this one, eh? Not with that "Cover Your Ass" statement to an Associated Press convention!

"I told them there'd be an attack! I told the editors of AP at that dinner in April! It was our highest priority! I warned you, America!"

No, we're in a war, and unlike other great leaders, Bush doesn't tell us that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. --- And no, unlike other "wars", we're not asked to sacrifice anything other than our peace of mind. No gas rationing, no meat coupons, no steel collection drives by the Little Rascals, no "turn in your nylon stockings" days down at the Junior League in Crawford, Texas. Nope. Buy a Hummer. Invest in Halliburton, keep shopping, stay terrified, and vote for Bush.

As if we weren't scared enough, Bob Woodward asked Bush if he consulted his father on the war in Iraq. Bush replied that he got advice from a HIGHER Father, a cosmic dude who apparently whispers sweet nothings in his ear about invading other nations, spreading democracy, remaking the Middle East, and expediting the fucking Apocalypse.

It's scary enough to have a born-again Christian with one hand on the red nukes button and the other hand flipping through "The Book of Revelations", but now the guy has a direct line to God Almighty. And unlike those heathen animals who place calls to a lesser god named "Allah", he is never put on "HOLD". Never. God not only has call waiting, but he has a video-conference capability; He can talk to Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, Judge Moore, and George W. Bush at the same time.

In contrast to that, Democratic candidate John Kerry can't even get his guy the Pope to stop making ads for Bush and the Right To Lifers. He can't even get a friggin' Cardinal in Boston to return his calls.

One would hope that when it comes to The End of The World, God doesn't need any outside help, but I'm not sure Bush doesn't see that as part of his job description.

And as if all that weren't enough to keep you huddled under your bed sucking your thumb and crying for Mommy, how about this:

Bob Woodward: "President Bush, how will history remember your war in Iraq?"

Bush: "History, what do I care...we'll all be dead!"

I suggest that be the new Republican slogan, the main plank in the reelection campaign, and a replacement for "In God We Trust" and "God Bless America."

"WHAT DO I CARE... WE'LL ALL BE DEAD!"

We'll all be dead.

We'll all be...

dead.

Indeed.

Moving Day

I'm moving my digs from another site. If you're new here, you've missed a lot. I'll try to repost some of my greatest hits from the past, especially the ones that turned out to be highly prophetic and/or the rare entry that's actually entertaining or enlightening. I'll be tidying up over the next few days, so please return to see what color I chose to paint the bathroom.

Oh, and I promise that unlike other sites, this one will never be over-designed and underedited.