Thursday, December 23, 2004

My Top Twelve of 2004

Anyone who has begun to think
places some portion of the world in jeopardy.
-- John Dewey

Did I get yer attention?

Good. Bear with me for a minute or two. Tetris can wait, can't it?

I had to do an 'end of the year list', (for no other reason than to piss you off) -- but in my irritating obsession with "wanting to be different", I also had to make it a dozen -- as opposed to the standard "Top 10" found among writers who have much more discipline when it comes to cutting up their babies and leaving them in boxes beside the information highway.

I know that like all Americans, you suffer from ADD, which means that whether it's 22 dead in Mosul -- or a quick glimpse at a breast during the Super Bowl, your tiny cotton candy brain can only process a finite amount of information for a few seconds at a time before it jettisons the current 'thought' and moves on to the next smash-cut MTV-like commercial or "news flash" about the latest celebrity murderer.

(Hell, half the U.S.A. could be obliterated in a nuclear bomb, but within fifteen minutes, you'd be seeing commercials for Viagra in between the views of smoldering cities tearfully described by Katie Couric.)

Remember after 9/11?

"Can we ever laugh again?"

"Can we ever smile again?"

"Will we ever allow ourselves a frivolous moment in the face of 3000 dead, innocent Americans?"

You've gotta be kiddin' me.

Your typical American can lose a close family member, and within 20 minutes, they're being interviewed on CNN, looking for an agent, cutting a book deal, and acting like they just misplaced their car keys.

Memory loss apparently has its advantages -- but I'm here to remind you what the Year Of Our Lord 2004 was all about. One only has to do a quick perusal of Shark's total entries for the year to see highlights of every major 'cultural' event for the last twelve months.

For about fiftteen minutes, each of the following events dominated our lives as if our very survival depended on a full understanding of their importance. And as each "significant" moment was erased by the Next Big Thing vomited up by the collective Whore of Babylon known as "The Media", it was quickly replaced by another "Next Big Thing" -- so pay attention -- and um... get out your credit cards.

Remember these?

A breast, Mel Gibson, South Carolina and the Confederate Flag, Prayer prayer prayer, IRAQ, road rage, RIAA vs downloading, Abu Ghraib, Martha Stewart, the GOP Convention, The Olympics, and the Christoids vs Halloween?

Yeah, I didn't think so. Hell, I bet you don't even remember John Kerry. Here, see if this rings a bell:

Swift Boat.
Purple Heart.

...oh, sorry, I got hypnotized by the pattern there...

Anyway, if you think hard, you might remember these and other totally unimportant events that were blown way out of proportion in the year 2004.

If not, I'm here to help. I'm here to remind you that what you see, think, hear, and feel today is about as meaningless as a set of dentures on a duck.

And that as long as you stay forgetful, stupid, and scared -- this great nation will continue to function just fine -- thank you very much.



Final Word on the Super (toilet) Bowl ...wherein Shark tells you the significance of the most overrated moment in contemporary history, that nano-second when Janet Jackson's chemically enhanced breast was exposed on national TV -- during a football game, no less!

Passion Fruit ...wherein Shark does Mel Gibson's biblical bloodfest known as "The Passion" (which -- ironically -- was also a fab porno movie in the 1970s). Yeah, I know that pointing out a contemporary Christoids' hypocrisy is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes, ya just gotta pull the trigger -- regardless of whose divine mythological being is gettin' gored. Besides, He and Mel both died for my... oh, nevermind. Get thee behind me, reader!

Take the Test: Are You a Racist? ...wherein Shark mocks his fellow crackers from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line, from semi-guilty Yankee liberals who don't understand how if feels to be the only 'Americans' to have ever lost a war (exception: see Bush/Iraq, circa 2004) to toothless rednecks who fly Confederate flags over their mobile homes. (Note: this post was yet another reason for the late, great Mac-whats-her-name to misread, misunderstand, and misinterpret my vast superior intellect -- claiming once again that my 'racist test' is explicit evidence of my current standing as a slave owner and Grand Poobah of the Bumfuque, Alabama branch of the KKK.

Pray Before Play: The New Amendment ...wherein Shark projects the current Christoid-Right Wing Fundamentalist Tent Revival into the near future; when people who pray violate Matthew chapter 6, come out of the closet, and pray their asses off in public. Whoops! Who knew there was more than ONE religion in the good ol' U. S. A.? Goddammit. Don't you hate it when you have to be fair?!

A New Plan For Iraq ...wherein Shark explains the "Exit Strategy" for the disaster known as Vietn... I mean, Iraq. (READ THIS. FORWARD IT TO YOUR SENATOR AND CONGRESSMAN.)

Stress Is Killing Me ...wherein Shark explains why the hormone Cortisol is constantly coursing through your veins in direct proportion to the amount of TV News you consume; ie. why you're a sick puppy stuck in an overcrowded kennel filled with ultra-violent paranoid inbreeds.

He Kills People: Fine. He Downloads Music, GET HIM! The U.S. government can't catch Bin Laden, but they can track down 12 year old kids who download music off the internet. Fuck the Terrorists! Madonna needs her royalties!

Iraq: It's Over; We Lost ...Wherein Shark tries to remember happy crowds in the streets of Iraq? Showers of flowers and kisses? ...but no, he keeps seeing the image of a hooded prisoner standing on a box with wires stuck on his fingers. We went to Iraq and were supposed to 'fix' the "region" with a nice dose of Freedom and Democracy... Remember Abu Ghraib? Well, there goes the neighborhood!

Martha Stewart's Dear Diary ...wherein Shark exposes Martha's private prison journal. (By the way: Ken Lay and Jeffery Skilling are free. Martha Stewart is in prison. Never mind; your job is to Entertain Yourself, keep your eye on the swinging pocketwatch -- and don't you dare ask any important questions.)

Secret GOP Convention Plans ...wherein Shark exposes Karl Rove's top secret, minute-by-minute plan for the Republican Convention.

Olympics Opening Ceremony ...wherein Shark shares a touchy-feely, we're-all-supposed-to-squirt-a-few-tears collective cultural moment with his fellow Americans... and ends up wanting to get a Manlicher-Carcano rifle and find a nice open view on the sixth floor of any building in America.

Hell House: A Halloween Nightmare ...wherein Shark gets "scared straight" by a vision of Christian Youth somewhere near Burleson, Texas.


If you go to Blogcritics and viddy any of these essays, LEAVE A COMMENT.

That let's me know I'm not alone.

"You mean I'm not alone?!"


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I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

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2:05 AM  
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