Thursday, August 05, 2004

Top Secret GOP Convention Plans!

Thanks to a few well-placed bribes (aka "Lobbying efforts"), inside informants, and some stealth volunteer work by yours truly, I've been able to get my hands on the highly secret overall plan for the upcoming GOP Convention. It's a remarkable document that shows the minute-by-minute scheduling of what promises to be one of the greatest parties since Albert Speer lit up the sky that night in Nuremberg.

There is nothing particularly controversial about the things in this secret document, but one thing it makes explicit: the Bush people might not know how to plan an occupation of a conquered nation in the Middle East, but they sure know how to plan a big bash.




(FOR YOUR EYES ONLY! Destroy after use! If asked about contents,
pull the old "national security" bit like we did on the 9/11 testimony; hey, it worked!)

NOTE to Madison Square Garden Staff:

* make sure all concessions have changed the following signs:

-- "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries"
-- "Hot Links" to "Liberal Weinies"
-- "Hot Black Coffee" to "Warm Inclusive Drinks of Color"
-- "Men's Restroom" to "Heterosexual Males"
-- "Women's Restroom" to "Supportive Wives and Stay-at-Home-Moms"

BEFORE national TV coverage begins:

* check inventory of flags, size 38 thru 60, required for all speakers to wrap themselves in;

* pass out "no-bid" Iraq contract applications to all attendees who are rich business owners, ie. all of them;

* announce that "inclusive" GOP look will include many pesky minorities who have been given front row seating in sight-line of TV cameras only for the duration of national network coverage -- and will be moved to appropriate spots in back of auditorium before and after said coverage begins; apologize for the inconvenience;

* announce that any donors of $100,000 or more will be given special tour of backstage cages to pet, feed, and visit with Pat Robertson, Pat Buchanan, and Tom Delay. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT allow them out of their cages during TV coverage! You all know what can happen when Buchanan speaks!?)


Opening Prayer - by Reverend Billy Graham

All-Black choir sings "God Bless America"

COLIN POWELL's Powerpoint presentation proving Democrats have weapons of mass destruction hidden in their headquarters. He ends on slide showing New Axis of Evil, which lists Iran, North Korea, and the "blue states".

Cut to: VIDEO FEED of Osama Bin Laden from an unknown cave in Pakistan; he praises John Kerry as an American Patriot and declares that he fully supports Kerry; vows death to all Republican males over the age of 12. Ends by singing an Arab version of "Johnny B. Goode".

WILLIAM BENNETT speech on "Loss of Morals in America" -- (btw: Vegas odds are 2 to 1 that it will go over the 20 minute time limit)

DICK CHENEY lectures on "Civility in American Politics" (Note: urge networks to use 15 second delay just in case he tells Democrats to 'go fuck yourself'. If that's not possible, have them get in touch with Justene at and have her trigger finger surgically attached to the 'delete' button.)

All-Hispanic Choir sings "God Bless America" (in ENGLISH only, goddammit! This is a "One Language Under God" nation!) (Note: make sure the choir returns to their convention center janitorial jobs before lights-out! And don't let them steal their gowns, they're known for that kind of thing!)

RUSH LIMBAUGH gives an update on Bush's success in "The War on Drugs". Also points out that Afghanistan is so safe that he'll volunteer to go there to do inventory of current poppy crop. (Note: He's scheduled so early because he has to return to rehab by 9:00 p.m.)

LAURA INGRAHAM, author of "Shut Up and Sing" gives speech on the evil, unfair influence and advantage of Hollywood liberals in the American political process.

LAURA INGRAHAM then introduces Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger... of Hollywood.

The "GOVERNATOR" gives speech entitled, "Republican Inclusiveness and the Role of Women in the GOP" (Editing Note: please have him change "grope and fondle" to "reach out to...") (Note to Convention Security: Keep him away from the Bush twins!)

NEWT GINGRICH gives speech entitled "Maintaining the Sacred Sanctity of Marriage" (Note: can we find alternative seating for his fourth wife somewhere off-stage?)

All-Asian Choir sings, "God Bless America" while bowing and kowtowing in time to the music.

FILM PRESENTATION: show 5 minute clip of George W. Bush landing on USS Lincoln in flight suit. (Note: please digitally remove the "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.) Add collage of "Dead or Alive" speech, and "Bring 'em on!" remarks. (Note: do we have rights secured for Morricone soundtrack to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" yet? If problem, try for "High Noon" or "Star Wars Theme" -- John Williams? On our side, or just another fag Hollywood composer?)

All-Jewish Choir sings "God Bless America" lyrics to "Hava-Nageelah" music performed by The Wolfowitz Family Band, featuring Paul on the Freshly Licked Comb.

Commercial Break: 30 minute program of 1 minute video spots provided by the Pharmaceutical Industry, the NRA, HMO Administrator's Association, Exxon/Mobil, Wal-Mart, CityBank, NYSE, Halliburton, ClearChannel, Disney, Shearson-Lehman Brothers, et. al.

Light-Hearted Funny Musical Skit with entire Supreme Court singing, "I Got No Strings" from Disney's Pinnocchio, with choreography by Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, and Oil Industry representatives.

POPE JOHN is lowered onto stage on a wheelchair atop a gigantic, winged canned ham; he performs medieval ceremony that canonizes the late Ronald Reagen as the Patron Saint of Naps; then lip-syncs a pre-recorded speech warning against the evils of feminism, abortion, working moms, birth control pills, women who vote -- and how uppity women are destroying the value of the nuclear family. He wraps it up by asserting that an entire life spent living among brooding closeted homosexual men, an 80-some odd year celibacy, and the fact that he's never been within spitting distance of a woman OR a nuclear family gives him a huge amount of authority to scold the world concerning women and their families. (NOTE to TV camerman: on closeups, the proper "dutch angle" will make the pope's tilted head appear to be perpendicular to the floor. Thanks in advance.)

El PAPA then introduces NANCY REAGAN, who thanks the Pope, who is then resealed in the gigantic winged-Spam can and reascends into a manufactured cloudbank of theater-fog.

CUE special 'spooky' lighting and Theramin music:

NANCY REAGAN dons Astrological robes and channels the spirit of Ronny, who asserts that abortion is evil and that he's no longer interested in stem cell research -- since he's dead. "He" also denies that he's the father of Ron Junior, implicating the late Democratic shill, Frank Sinatra in that regrettable birth. Adds that Ron Junior might be the ONLY moral justification for abortion, but agrees not to pursure it from his spot in the afterlife.

CUE "I Did It My Way" to biographical collage of Reagan's life on Diamond Vision Screen; intercut him in cowboy hat with chain-saw mixed with pictures of George W. in cowboy hat with chain-saw. (Note: During collage, Photoshop out all images of Bonzo the Chimp, Jane Wyman, and Dick Cheney -- for public relations purposes.)

HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR TOM RIDGE gives speech about how much safer America is since George W. Bush took office. Recounts all the actions taken in the 'homeland' for Homeland Security -- such as the invasion of Iraq and the winnowing down of important international allies. (NOTE: delete any references to shipping containers, international ports, nuclear plants, trains, subways, and chemical plants -- just in case the terrorists hit one of the above between now and November; it's always best to be on the safe side when it comes to asserting safety!) Close with line: "Bush makes America Safe!" to coincide with entire audience holding up "Bush Makes America Safe!" signs.

SECRETARY JOHN ASHCROFT once again warns Americans that a terrorist attack on American soil is imminent, implies possibility of cancelling the upcoming election -- but asserts that there's no need to up the "terror alert" color code. He closes with his own song, "The Eagle Flies" -- (NOTE: make sure orchestra knows to transpose score up two octaves! Geez, who knew the guy was a castrotti!?)

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR GALE NORTON will announce that due to various "weather-related problems", Bush has declared all swing-states "natural disaster areas" and has made available interest-free loans to all citizens in those states -- good through November of 04.

Mixed Race Choir sings, "God Bless America" while signing for the deaf.

As yet unidentified "scientist" (to be provided by Exxon/Mobil) will assert that global warming doesn't exist, and that if it does, it's only because there's an imbalance of ozone layers hovering over the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Powerpoint presentation will prove that oil drilling actually reduces ozone problem by balancing the distribution of various non-carcinogenic side products produced by drilling. End with short video of Arab dressed in full bedouin regalia laughing and mockingly pointing at camera while drinking large glass of fresh oil.

Short Funny Musical Skit - starring the once-funny Dennis Miller dressed up as Paul Bunyan; he performs a song, "A Forest Is Healthier When You Cut It Down." (Note: Radio City Music Hall Rockettes will be dancing trees that happily tumble under Bunyan's singing chain-saw. Music accompaniment provided by Ted Nugent, choreography by Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, with special assistance by ex-Reagan Secretary of Interior James Watt.)

Billy Graham returns to introduce "God" (Charlton Heston) -- who appears on the gigantic digital Diamond-Vision screen via a live video feed from his hospital bed; surrounded by a fake cloud produced by a fog machine, "He" announces that George W. Bush has been specially chosen to lead the free world toward Armageddon, and then Heston reads from "The Book of Revelations". (Note: while he holds the Bible, hang his matchlock rifle from his IV tube stand; Chas has never been a multi-tasker!)

-Short Break for-

RECORDED MUSIC INTERLUDE (Note: Tell all six Log Cabin Republicans in the far upper deck that there's NO DANCING allowed! Many Southern Baptists are present (approx. 88% of conventioneers)

* "God Bless the USA" - by Lee Greenwood

* "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue" - by Toby Keith; accompanied by Diamond Screen display of lyrics "You'll be sorry you messed with the U.S. of A -- cuz we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way!" -- while showing collage of dead Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians that morphs into a 3-D spinning technicolor globe showing Toby aiming pointy cowboy boot at western Europe.

* "Fry a Dixie Chick In Hell" - by Donny & Marie Osmond

(Followeed by SHORT BREAK to allow everyone to catch their breaths -- and VP Dick Cheney to check his pacemaker.)

MEL GIBSON will be wheeled out spread-eagle and attached (via fake nails) to a gigantic golden Oscar statue. He'll "break" the nails, toss off the bloody crown of thorns, and descend to the podium -- where he'll speak on "Hollywood's Lack of Support for Faith-Based Films"

-- Gibson will close with a prayer (in Latin)

(Note: Diamond-Vision disclaimer will read:

"This isn't Latin, folks, and he's not Catholic; he's Pentacostal and is speaking in tongues!"

-- after which MEL GIBSON will introduce...

REV. JERRY FALWELL - who will deliver speech on the evils of the Taliban, Afghanistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia -- and the danger posed when governments support fundamentalist religious fanatics. He'll then introduce...

RALPH REED - who will speak on the importance of Bush's ties to American fundamentalist religious fanatics; he'll close with a summary of the billions of dollars that have flowed into private partisan religious coffers thanks to Bush's "Faith-Based Initiatives."

Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for:

Mr. Reed will introduce VP Cheney--
who will introduce Laura Bush--
who'll read a short excerpt from "The Pet Goat"--
(apparently, that always gets her husband's attention)
--and then she'll introduce President George W. Bush.

PRESIDENT BUSH (wrapped in the flag) is lowered to stage in a golden winged chariot (courtesy Mercedes) drawn by the Four Horses of the Apocalypse (courtesy Budweiser), accompanied by "We Are the Champions" by Queen (courtesy of Clear Channel). He'll open with a prayer (courtesy Southern Baptist Convention), thanking God for appointing him Master of the Universe, (courtesy of Hanna-Barbera) -- paying special thanks for the Supreme Court (courtesy of Bush, Sr.) -- and beseeching the Lord to protect his brother Jeb and the Diebold programming team from any harm between now and November.

His speech -- the culmination of an entire lifetime of intellectual research, accumulated wisdom, and life-experiences -- will last, oh... about 2 minutes.

Cue "Movin' On Up" theme from the "The Jeffersons" to be blasted over the sound system.

Cue red, white, and blue balloons to fall from ceiling like acid rain.

Bring out the families.

(Note: keep that Cheney dyke off camera if possible. Put her and the Bush twins near the back (remember the "tongue sticking-out episode"?), but not TOO near each other; the dyke might remember the "tongue episode" too! -- and you know how those lebians are: they can't breed, so they recruit!)

(Hopefully, audience tries to clap in time to "Movin' On Up" music.)

Cue Diamond-Vision collage of Kennedy-Zapruder film, Robert Kennedy lying on floor in California hotel kitchen, National Guard attack at Kent State, Martin Luther King lying dead on hotel balcony -- mixed with extreme close-up of smiling images of Bush, Cabinet members, Supreme Court Justices, and Katherine Harris (courtesy Tammy Faye Bakker Cosmetics Corp).

Diamond-Vision screen: Dissolve to new BUSH/GOP campaign slogan:

"You're Either With Us or Against Us"


Anonymous Anonymous said...
You missed one. To be a politically correct republican, Queen’s “We are the champions” would have to be sung by another group.

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