Saturday, August 28, 2004

New Bush Ad: Kerry Eats Babies and Rapes Women!

Location: Underground Bunker at The GOP's Ken Starr Strategic Media Manipulation Center.

President Bush is accompanied by two Secret Service Agents and a pair of marionette handlers wearing Exxon/Mobil flags in their jacket lapels.

The puppeteers tow the President through the titanium doors of the Starr Media Center and drag him down a long hall toward the Presidential Conference Room.

On the way, Bush passes a stainless steel bunker with a large plateglass window; the entourage pauses while the President sticks his nose to the glass and peers inside.

There, attached to millions of wires terminating in a giant computer, is the head of Dick Cheney -- floating in a glowing, greenish liquid inside a large jar and accompanied by Theramin music.

[Label on Jar: "DICK HEAD"]

BUSH: Is that a lava lamp?

AIDE: No sir, that’s... um... that’s your "Daddy".

BUSH: [knocking on glass] God! Yaweh! DUDE! Hey Big Guy, it's me!

AIDE: No sir, not that one. The other one. The most important one...

BUSH: Kenny Boy! Hey, Kenny-Boy, got any stock tips for your ol' pal?!

AIDE: No sir, not that one either; and... um, sir.... about that Kenny-Boy -- listen sir, you just need to forget about him.

BUSH: Kenny Boy? Why?

AIDE: Well, sir, it's election time -- and a few years ago, his old company bankrupted half the retirement funds in the country, helped wreck the economy, and highlighted what a rigged system we've got set up for the rich and the corporations they run. So even though he was the main advisor for the Vice President's Energy Plan, he's off "The List".

BUSH: The list?

AIDE: Yes sir, it's all about lists. See, anytime somebody goes from the "Top Advisor and Campaign Contributor" list over to "Recently Indicted" list, we just forget we ever knew them. We don't mention them, Mr. President, and hope everybody else forgets as well...

BUSH: Oh, I see. If they go from the Lincoln Bedroom to a prison cell, we just forget they ever existed, right?

AIDE: Yes sir, that's correct. The slightest hint of criminal activity from your staff, friends, advisors, or CEO cronies -- just hit the "Erase Button" in your mind.

[AIDE #2 holds up a copy of "My Pet Goat" -- points at cover, nods head and smiles]

BUSH: Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately, eh? So what about folks like my brother Neil?

AIDE: (winks, nudges Bush, jerks string) ...Who?

BUSH: (deer-in-headlights-look for a few seconds until he realizes the gist of the joke) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it: Neil who? Hah. Forget it. It's erased. My mind is a blank.

[Bush stares at "My Pet Goat" for a few long, uncomfortable moments]

AIDE: Good sir. Your "Daddy Dick" in the lava lamp will be glad to hear that. He loves it when you keep your mind blank.

Giant floating, dismembered Dick Head smiles that crooked smirk and nods head to side to indicate "take him away".

Puppeteers jerk on strings and Bush's feet lift off the ground a few inches. The President waves at "Dick Head", makes a goofy face, and sticks out his tongue.

Dick Head rolls eyes and shakes his 'head'.

Bush and entourage continue into Media Room, where they're seated at a conference table in front of a giant flat-screen HD TV monitor.

BUSH: [Turns to a valet in vaudeville costume and blackface makeup] Hey McCain! Bring me some coffee.

WAITER: Cream and sugar, sir?

BUSH: Fine. Now hurry.

WAITER: Yessir. [exits kowtowing]

KARL ROVE: Mr. President, we've finished putting together Stealth Smear TV Ad Version 2.0 -- once again financed by your Republican fishin' buddies in Texas.

MEDIA CONSULTANT#1: Yeah, he did those Unfit for Command ads...

BUSH: Great stuff, but don't you think it's time we kick it up a notch? Get to those "Kerry killed babies and raped women" ads?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Yes sir. We've got a great act to follow the "Swift Boat Vets Against Kerry."

BUSH: oh goody. What is it?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Mr. President, at first, we thought we'd do a "Girls Gone Wild For Kerry" video -- y'know... for late night cable viewers -- lots of tits, really immoral shit, nudity, insults to family values... that sort of thing.

KARL ROVE: ...but that didn't work out.

BUSH: What happened?

KARL ROVE: Well, we sent Newt Gingrich and Jimmy Swaggart out to do some initial reseach -- and they never came back. We lost two good allies and a camera crew.

BUSH: Fuck. So we can't hit Kerry on his anti-Christian, anti-family values shit...? Goddammit...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Oh, not to worry, Mr. President. We came up with an even better idea; next week we're going to unveil the "Vietnamese Rape and Murder Victims Against Kerry".

BUSH: ahahah! What a great sounding organization! Catchy title!

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: And there's a book to go with it! It's called "Unfit For Anything but Hell"!

BUSH: hah. So are they really Vietnamese? Were they really raped and murdered by Kerry?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: [laughs] Ah, who gives a shit! All we do is air the accusations. A bored national media will turn anything we say into a feeding frenzy.

KARL ROVE: heh. We just chum the water, and let Drudge, Rush, FOX News, and our massive army of secretly funded bloggers do the rest.

BUSH: ...Like a Shark!

KARL ROVE: Oh god! Please not to mention that name!

MEDIA CONSULTANT#2: Suffice it to say that using our "chum" imagery, our right-wing talking heads, manipulators, and commentators are analogous to a top-of-the-food-chain, water-borne predator...

KARL ROVE: ...And dozens of lies about Kerry's past are like little bloody hunks of meat we toss off the Ship of State... heh.

BUSH: Okay. I don't know what the hell you're talkin' 'bout...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: That's fine, nevermind... anyway, all we do is air the accusations and let them take on a life of their own! The public are generally too stupid and easily distracted to dig for the truth in the matter, so all we do is keep trotting out complicated scenarios of corruption and evil on Kerry's part.

KARL ROVE: Kerry spends the entire pre-election period putting out fires about his past...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Remember "...I didn't inhale"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2:That was ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Remember "Rhodes Scholar and Commie Traitor Draft-Dodger"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1:Remember "TravelGate"?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Ours.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Vince Foster?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Same team.

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Whitewater?

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Our masterpiece...

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: And remember Monica?

BUSH: No! That wasn't yours too, was it?!

MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: [laughs] Well, not ALL ours; we had some help there: a bunch of Viagra and access to the White House Chef. [smiles, gives high five to Consultant #1]

MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: And Ken Starr kicked ass!

[They all pause, bow their heads, cross themselves, and have a moment of rapt silence]

[Finally...]

BUSH: Ah, I love campaigning. I love fighting for freedom, democracy, and...

KARL ROVE: ....the ultra-rich.

BUSH: ...Yeah, whatever you say, Karl...



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1 Comments:

Blogger Hoodia said...

Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

6:43 AM  

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