Saturday, July 17, 2004

Martha Stewart: On the Inside

Dear Diary,

5:00 AM - Was awakened by my cell-mate's moaning: she was masturbating with my imported brass candle holder. How tasteless! I haven't masturbated in... well decades! Don't they allow cats in here!? Anyway, I negotiated a trade; my precious candle holder for a few feet of her graying pony tail.

5:30 - Deal completed. I threw in a vanilla-scented candle and she promised to shampoo before cutting.

6:00 - I made my bed; did a "nurse tuck", but was unable to measure neck level fold-down since they wouldn't let me have a ruler in my cell. Settled on 'four-fingers' width and hope that's close enough.

6:15 - Began knitting cell-mate's hair into a taffeta-like coaster. (She puts her soft drink cans on our small wooden "writing desk" and they leave rings!)

6:30 - I perform experiment trying to turn my urine into effective glass cleaner.

6:45 - ...I vant to be alone...

7:00 - Breakfast in the dining hall; silverware was plastic! Centerpiece was a galvanized bucket with no decorations whatsoever! Napkins? Get this: the sleeve of my jumpsuit!!! Fuck that; it's unconstitutional!

Eggs were overdone and apparently NOT from free-range chickens. (I could taste the fear and lack of freedom in them. How awful!) Bacon contained WAY too much grease, but I managed to sneak a few thimblefuls back to my cell; later, I'll try to convert the grease into a decent furniture polish.) I also swiped some aluminum foil, which I'll beat thin, try to color using shoe polish and lipstick, and then install in our cell window to simulate stained glass. It could work.

7:30 - Half-hour in exercise yard; most fellow inmates are lifting weights, smoking cigarettes, or discussing American Idol. I do some yoga, meditate in half-lotus, and imagine myself floating over the prison wall in a yacht. Overheard rowdy biker women planning a jail break; apparently, they'll stuff Tampons into the toilets, and when the water system overflows, they'll use that as a diversion and climb out through the roof.

8:00 - I'm allowed my daily phone call; spoke briefly to my stockbroker; told him to dump my holdings in Prison Management, Inc. due to inside information regarding upcoming plumbing disaster and ensuing public relations problems. Instructed him to buy big into Roto-Rooter. He agreed to destroy any emails relative to trade. (Hope he's not a lying, sniveling bastard turn-coat like that last little prick! Note to self: can pipe bombs be aesthetically pleasing? Do they have to be that hideous grey metal, or are other colors of pipe available? Google during library pass.)

8:30 - 10:45 - Contemplated suicide; considered a number of ways to die and still look presentable. Was distracted by that short piece of hair that constantly falls down over my eyes. Will consider cutting it and/or my wrist unless they give me some decent stationary to write on. (My apologies for writing this on toilet paper; not only is it degrading, but it's the SCRATCHY kind! --See not above re. scratchy TP as cruel and unusual punishment!)

10:45 - ...I vant to be alone...

11:00 - Fixed brunch for entire cell block using sauteed rats and roach canapes. (Saved skins; rat pelts might make a nice gift once winter arrives; tiny coozies? Gloves? Muffler? Consider converting more urine for hide tanning) Table centerpiece for brunch was made from my cell-mate's extra jump suit; fake orange carnations, orange roses, and orange day-lillies. It was spectacular, but could have used a different color from the same family of hues. Note: Petition warden for some soft pastels; (emphasize calming, non-violent nature of pink jump suits?)

12:00 - Went to library; read latest issue of my magazine. Please buy my magazine! (Began planning essay for next issue; title: "I'll Be Back!" -- has that been used before? Sounds familiar. Must check with copyright lawyer; don't need any more legal problems at the moment!)

12:30 - Had a BM; not a bad BM, but not as good as the BM's at home (see "scratchy TP" mentioned above!); the prison diet has definitely brought on a return of my constant and chronic constipation. Stress will do that, or at least that's what I read in an article in my magazine. Note to self: Ask warden for a bidet; I'll even pay for it!)

1:00 - Bribed cell-mate to allow me to slice a few inches of fat off her thigh for later conversion into moisturizing lotion for my crepe neck. Will melt it down after "lights out".

2:00 - Watched Oprah's show; had a story about my rise from poverty to riches, followed by touching tale of an overweight blind female dwarf who overcame disabilities and is currently top-rated NASCAR driver. Oprah has apparently bought the rights to her story and will produce upcoming film for distribution in '06.

3:00 - Begin writing a screenplay depicting my entire Horatio Alger-like life. Got stuck on Act II, where I have to justify my obsession with Quality and my deal with that shit-house purveyor of imported schlock, K-Mart. Will shelve for later.

4:00 - Nap time; listened to Yanni on my IPOD. (Note to self: Sleep doesn't come easy in such a situation; find some Billy Joel tunes ASAP!)

5:00 - Recreation Room - I gave impromptu seminar; spoke to fellow inmates on "Tapping Your Inner Bitch" -- gave them a copy of my magazine, Machiavelli's The Prince, and a biography of Joan of Arc. Agreed to start book discussion group and talk about similarities between me and various Catholic Saints.

6:00 - Got a visit from Larry King; fucker wants to interview me IN MY CELL! I agreed -- IF he can persuade warden to allow us to commission artist to paint 360 degree mural of Connecticut landscape -- and get my roommate sent to execution chamber. That's not too much to ask, is it?

6:30 - ...I vant to be alone...

7:00 - Dinner. Egg sandwich, onion rings, and pinto beans. Eggs were same old same old, onion rings were the frozen kind, and the pintos appeared to be of the dried variety. I'll be farting my ass off tonight. Should be a long evening, but it might persuade my roommate to petition for a move. She could do that -- or I can have her whacked. Hmm. Life's full of tough choices. What's a Domestic Diva to do?

24 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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That's OK, you need to have days like this, otherwise how would you know when you are happy. You need to have something to contrast your happiness with. What is black without white?

Even though you know that sadness (generalized anxiety disorder symptom) is a part of life, let's try to make it a small part of life.

With that said, here are a few tips to help you feel better when you are feeling down in the dumps. They are easy to do, easy to practice every day and they work!

1. Stand up straight, sit up straight. When your body is in alignment your energy can flow and when your energy is flowing freely, you can flow.

2. Smile! Yes, just smile. Easy to do and effective.

3. Repeat positive affirmations. Things like "I feel good", "Positive energy flows through my body", "I see the good in all".

4. Listen to some music that you like. It doesn't have to be anything specific, just something you enjoy. Certain types of music work better than others, but experiment and see what works for you. Studies have shown that Classical music and new age music work best.

5. Take some time out for yourself, relax and read a book, do something for yourself.

6. Meditate. Meditation is an excellent habit to develop. It will serve you in all that you do. If you are one who has a hard time sitting still, then try some special meditation CDs that coax your brain into the meditative state. Just search for "Meditation music" on Google or Yahoo and explore.

Our outside work is simply a reflection of our inside world. Remember there is no reality just your perception of it. Use this truth to your advantage. Whenever you are sad, realize that it is all in your mind and you do have the power to change your perception.

These tips will lift you up when you are down, but don't just use them when you are sad or generalized anxiety disorder symptom . Try and practice them everyday, make them a habit. You will be surprised at how these simple exercises will keep the rainy days away.

On a final note, if you are in a deep depression that you can't seem to shake, please go see a doctor. This is your life and don't take any chances. generalized anxiety disorder symptom

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The herbs, Thyme and Rosemary can be grown in pots and used when needed. To create essential oils from herbs, stew some large amounts in pure water, collect the steam and cool it. The oil will rise to the top of the drained water and can be collected with an eyedropper. Alternatively, a "flower still" can be purchased to make the job easier. Thyme and Rosemary are both antiseptics and can be used in skin care preparations. They are also delicious when used in cooking.

Lemon oil and fresh lemons will purify water and, when mixed with honey, are effective remedies for colds and flu. Lemon and white vinegar are highly efficient cleaning agents that can be used for domestic cleaning tasks without damaging the environment. Use white vinegar as a natural disinfectant or mix it with water to clean windows and wooden floors. It is also handy to keep a bottle of white vinegar in your car if you swim in the ocean. It will bring instant relief from jellyfish stings.

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Garlic also helps to promote a healthy immune system when the weather turns cold and viruses begin to circulate. In fact, most of the oils and herbs listed above are effective in helping to prevent many common winter illnesses.

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