Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Ronald Reagan Never Dies

Reagan Gets Network
by Marco DuCamp
Rotters News Service - 6/9/04

(New York) Disney, ABC, and AOL-Time-Warner announced today that they were developing a new channel to be made available to cable operators by midsummer of 2004. The network, called "RON-TV" will be exclusively dedicated to ex-President Ronald Reagan, who died last Saturday at the age of 93.

Reagan began his career as Hollywood film star before becoming Governor of California; later, he was elected to two terms as President of the United States. Ronald Reagan Jr, a marketing executive with the upcoming network, told the Associated Press:

"The President's entire life was documented on film and video, and we've collected black and white footage from the early 20th century all the way up to the most recent High Definition, IMAX shots of his flag-covered casket lying in state. We have baby pictures, war movies, monkey movies, all of his press conferences, and almost every folksy, humorous, off-hand remark he made in public. There's a wealth of information there, and obviously, RON-TV will provide Ronald Reagan 24/7."

Along with film and video of the ex-President in all his incarnations, the channel will also feature interviews with Nancy, old friends, associates, estranged children, and anyone who has a positive opinion.

Daytime programming will be dedicated to the humorous moments from Reagan press conferences, with an occasional special featuring jokes, storytelling -- and a weekly afternoon segment called, "Quick Quips".

Early evening programming will begin with a show called, "America's President's Funniest Home Videos" -- which will include cute, but endearing embarrassing moments for the Gipper; expect to see that cat-nap with the Pope and the interview where Nancy told a deer-in-the-headlights President what to say.

Prime-time will feature all 168 hours of the funeral and memorial coverage, including commentary by historians, political pundits, and a running fashion critique by newly hired team of hosts, Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Disney-AOL-Time-Warner says that they expect the new channel to begin generating profits by fall of 04. They are hoping that merchandising will provide additional incremental income once the channel is available nation-wide.

Sources say they have already signed a seven-figure, long-term advertising contract with a famous astrologer, and are also negotiating with a jellybean manufacturer.

Other items soon to be available are hats, t-shirts, coffee cups, and mouse pads featuring a picture of Ronald Reagan with his famous Hollywood sidekick, the chimpanzee Bonzo. The smiling President is pictured saying his famous, "Well..."

Disney-AOL-Time-Warner also said that if this new concept for cable programming is a success, they have other channels in the works for the future. This winter, they expect to unveil "DICK-TV" -- whose slogan will be "All Dicks -- All the Time!"

This venture will feature film and video repeats of famous Dicks, including Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney, Dick Cavett, Dick Butkus, Dick Van Dyke, and Dick Tracy.

=== end of transmission ===


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"All dicks, all the time." This is brilliant. Dick Nixon, Dick Strauss, Dick Brautigan, King Dick, Moby Dick, Dick Licht, Dick the Lionhearted, Dick DeHalls, etcetera. Copyright CW Fisher 2001

12:14 AM  
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9:40 PM  

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