Thursday, May 27, 2004

Terror as a Marketing Tool

I wrote this almost two months ago, but after yesterday's NEWS BLITZ about the upcoming Summer of Terror, I thought it was appropriate.


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I know it's my patriotic duty to be scared, terrified, and terrorized -- because my President constantly reminds me.

Shortly after 9/11, Bush and Co. instituted a "color coded" scare alert to let me and my fellow Americans know just how scared we should be; its called the "Terrorist Threat Level" and comes in various pretty, almost soothing colors. This color code not only made it easier to alert the American public, but it effectively requisitioned the rainbow, taking it back from those pesky gay troublemakers (who had turned a symbol of Utopia in Kansas to a symbol of utopia for people used to getting the shit beat out of 'em for what they do behind closed doors with consenting adults; Now when Judy Garland sings, "Somewhere over the Rainbow," we can imagine a post-9/11 civilian bomb shelter instead of a gay disco party. Damn right.)

Terrorist Threat Alert. Scary Rainbow. That's better.

Then we had White House spokesman Ari "I studied Himmler" Fleischer warning Americans to "be careful" what they say.

That was scary, too. As a matter of fact, the last time a flaccid, frustrated right-wing bald guy uttered those words, Italy joined the Evil Axis, brown shirts became a really IN fashion statement among ruthless killers, and the world spent the next seven years at war.

Then along came "The Patriot Act" -- which is about the scariest phrase since "Big Brother is Watching" -- except that was a fictional invention created to frighten the reader, and this happened to be paraded in front of God and the nation as something to be proud of.

You know that any legislation that needs the word "Patriot" attached to it means somebody is going to get fucked, but no, everybody was sufficiently scared, and so they not only voted for it, but bragged about it afterwards.

The Patriot Act. The Patriot Hunt. The Patriot Burnings. The Patriot Lynchings. One imagines all sorts of fantastic legislation will follow the Patriot Act, if only we become scared enough.

Right after 9/11, it appeared that most of the Al-Qaeda terrorists were being supported by a nation-state of thugs who ruled Afghanistan. The logical thing to do to fight terrorism was to invade Afghanistan, remove the thugs, and then go after the terrorist cells imbedded in nations around the world using infiltration, spy techniques, police efforts, and ways to disrupt their money laundering.

So what did our President do? He invaded Iraq. He created a few million new terrorists and gave them a new unstable anarchic nation-state in which to recruit, train, arm and thrive. Cool. Long live terror!

That's because the Republicans long ago figured this one out:

AS LONG AS WE'RE SCARED, WE'LL VOTE REPUBLICAN, the party of the tough guys, the macho men, the uber-studs, the military-industrial tit-minders, the neo-cons, the party of the Hawks in Humvees. (John Wayne died for your sins. You'll take my gun when you pry my cold dead finger from the trigger -- and other such born-again Christian sentiments.)

And as if Bush hadn't spread enough TERROR among Americans (making him a what, kids?), the other day, our President George W. Bush told reporters that he fully expects another major attack on American soil before the November election.

No embarrassing future hearings asking what they were doing on this one, eh? Not with that "Cover Your Ass" statement to an Associated Press convention!

"I told them there'd be an attack! I told the editors of AP at that dinner in April! It was our highest priority! I warned you, America!"

No, we're in a war, and unlike other great leaders, Bush doesn't tell us that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. --- And no, unlike other "wars", we're not asked to sacrifice anything other than our peace of mind. No gas rationing, no meat coupons, no steel collection drives by the Little Rascals, no "turn in your nylon stockings" days down at the Junior League in Crawford, Texas. Nope. Buy a Hummer. Invest in Halliburton, keep shopping, stay terrified, and vote for Bush.

As if we weren't scared enough, Bob Woodward asked Bush if he consulted his father on the war in Iraq. Bush replied that he got advice from a HIGHER Father, a cosmic dude who apparently whispers sweet nothings in his ear about invading other nations, spreading democracy, remaking the Middle East, and expediting the fucking Apocalypse.

It's scary enough to have a born-again Christian with one hand on the red nukes button and the other hand flipping through "The Book of Revelations", but now the guy has a direct line to God Almighty. And unlike those heathen animals who place calls to a lesser god named "Allah", he is never put on "HOLD". Never. God not only has call waiting, but he has a video-conference capability; He can talk to Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, Judge Moore, and George W. Bush at the same time.

In contrast to that, Democratic candidate John Kerry can't even get his guy the Pope to stop making ads for Bush and the Right To Lifers. He can't even get a friggin' Cardinal in Boston to return his calls.

One would hope that when it comes to The End of The World, God doesn't need any outside help, but I'm not sure Bush doesn't see that as part of his job description.

And as if all that weren't enough to keep you huddled under your bed sucking your thumb and crying for Mommy, how about this:

Bob Woodward: "President Bush, how will history remember your war in Iraq?"

Bush: "History, what do I care...we'll all be dead!"

I suggest that be the new Republican slogan, the main plank in the reelection campaign, and a replacement for "In God We Trust" and "God Bless America."

"WHAT DO I CARE... WE'LL ALL BE DEAD!"

We'll all be dead.

We'll all be...

dead.

Indeed.

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