Saturday, May 29, 2004

RIAA Catches Bin Laden

May 28, 2004
(Rotters News Service)

On Wednesday, the recording industry sued another computer user for illegally sharing music across the Internet, but among the indie loving college students, grandmothers hip to Enya and Elton, and the horde of twelve-year-old Britney fans that have been sued by a terror-stricken industry, the latest music downloading fanatic to feel the long arm of copyright law is unique -- to say the least.

For over a decade, he's eluded the CIA, FBI, MI-5, Interpol, and the entire U.S. Military, but today, Osama bin Laden -- leader of the international terrorist group Al Qaeda   -- felt the sting of an even more efficient and bloodthirsty organization: RIAA, the Recording Industry Association of America.

Their investigators tracked a large number of music downloads to an Internet protocol address based somewhere in the Middle East. Further investigations pinpointed an old IMAC in a cave near the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, where bin Laden has been 'holed-up' since late 2001 when the U.S. invaded his Taliban stronghold.

Al Qaeda officials told Al Jazeera News that -- due to various circumstances -- Osama bin Laden has been alone, isolated, and unable to leave his current residence, so it's understood that a little music might serve to brighten up his dull and dreary life.

"He wasn't selling the music to anyone else," an Al Qeada spokeman said, "he wasn't profiting from it; he was just sampling various songs to find out if he would buy the CD once he had access. Our fearless leader doesn't see downloading music as a crime, but a chance for unknown or underplayed musical artists to have their music heard by people who might later make a purchase. This is yet another western imperialist injustice!"

The spokesman admitted that bin Laden favored classic rock artists, especially from the 1960s, but justified those downloads by pointing out that bin Laden had originally purchased the recordings on vinyl, 8-track, cassette, and later, even some CD master tape remixes.

"Osama told me," the Al Qaeda spokeman added, "that in some cases -- due to changes in technology -- he had spent a small fortune on the same album over and over again. It was crazy! He said it added to his violent thoughts against the West, and I would imagine that this latest injustice by the RIAA will only mean more dead Americans in the future."

The Al Qeada spokesman said that bin Laden's favorite band was the Doors, since he's downloaded over fifteen different versions of "Five To One" -- including a number of live versions and some unreleased studio takes that were never used.

"He dances around the cave singing along with 'Five to One' at the top of his lungs," the spokesman said, "spinning his camo-robe like a whirling dervish; it's a great, spiritual, political, and sort of sexual moment for anyone present. It's especially haunting when he does the spoken part!"

The recording industry usually files its complaints against defendents by identifying them only by their numeric Internet protocol addresses, but in this case, they thought the high-profile status of their latest case would discourage others from downloading music online. It said lawyers will work through the courts to request subpoenas against the terrorist leader and will serve papers to his cave on the Pakistani border by Friday.

The latest filings brings the number of lawsuits filed by the recording industry to some 2500 people since last summer. None of the cases has yet gone to trial, and 437 people so far have agreed to pay financial penalties of about $3,000 as settlements. Bin Laden, through his spokesman, would not indicate whether he plans to fight the lawsuit or just settle out of court.

==== end of news article ===

If you're wondering as to the appeal a thirty-year-old Doors song might have to an international Islamic terrorist, like everyone else -- c'mon, IT'S THE LYRICS. (provided below)

FIVE TO ONE

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here gets out alive--
You get yours, baby
I'll get mine
Gonna make it, baby if we try

The old get old
And the young get stronger
May take a week
And it may take longer

They got the guns
But we got the numbers
Gonna win, yeah
We're takin' over
Yeah! Come on!

(spoken)
Your ballroom days are over, baby
Night is drawing near
Shadows of the evening crawl across the years
Ya walk across the floor with a flower in your hand
Trying to tell me no one understands
Trade in your hours for a handful dimes
Gonna' make it, baby, in our prime

Come together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, aha
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time!
Get together one more time
Get together one more time
Get together, gotta, get together
Ohhhhhhhh!

Hey, c'mon, honey
You won't have along wait for me, baby
I'll be there in just a little while
You see, I gotta go out in this car with these people and... uh...

Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah...



5 Comments:

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