Thursday, May 27, 2004

My Solution In Iraq

I wrote this almost two months ago, which shows how little things have changed. As a matter of fact, they've only gotten worse. Here is my paranoid-diplomatic solution to Iraq, aka BUSH'S BLUNDER.



Over the last few days, I became a convert.

I realized that the only time we're going to see crowds cheering in the streets of Iraq is when they're hanging a burned American body part on a bridge as sort of an Islamic/Neanderthal Maypole celebration.

So I spent yesterday in my attic digging out and dusting off my old "BRING OUR BOYS HOME" signs from 1968.


The latest mindless catch-phrase is, "Well, we're over there and we have to finish the job." You hear it from everybody, liberals, Dems, Neo-Cons, Repubs, little old ladies, and motard MTV types. I figure if everybody is saying it, it must be wrong. They're hypnotized.

"We must finish the job!"

Everybody seems to have forgotten: WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASN'T OUR JOB, so why finish it?


I mean, what are you people waiting for? Democracy?

We 'give' them democracy, who the hell do you think they're going to "vote" for?

In case you haven't noticed, they're voting every day, except instead of a fake count like we had in Florida, they're using roadside bombs, mass marches, and burned dead Americans.



Especially when Bush & Co. had everything planned except the days and months and years after "liberation."

We'll never win this with 130,000 military. I doubt that we could win it with half a million. Imagine a foreign army occupying California. Jeesus, give 'em AK-47s and RPGs, and the Crips and Bloods alone could kick the ass of any army in the world!

No, we won't win in Iraq; not in a year or a decade. It's a no-win. It's a fantasy, kinda like giving 'democracy' to a country filled with primitive Islamic nutbars.

So at the current rate, eventually Bush Jr. will have to drop a few H-bombs and incinerate Iraq just to save face and show that even testicles are bigger in Texas; it's only a matter of time.

The end game in Iraq is a nuclear bomb. Trust me. (Hey, you trusted George, why can't you trust me?)

Do we do it sooner -- or later?

(Or better yet, maybe Bush and Cheney should dress up in those little flight-suit costumes and go over there show us how it's supposed to be done: They can put on cowboy hats and ride the Big One from the bomb-bay of a B-52 all the way onto Main Street in Fallujah. They wanted it so bad, let those criminals die for it. Slim Pickens would have. And George already HAS a cowboy hat!)

REPORTER: "President Bush, now that weapons of mass destruction -- your main justification for going to war in Iraq -- appear to be non-existent, what possible reason can you have for putting American lives at risk and draining the American treasury?"

PRES. BUSH: "umm... um... I can no longer sit back and allow infiltration, indoctrination, subversion, and an international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! Yee-haw!"


Okay, maybe 'nook-yul-er' weapons are a bit of an overreaction on my part.


Why the hell do we have to 'finish the job'?

We do what American CEOs do when their companies start sliding toward an economic implosion: We simply resign. Leave it for somebody else to clean up. Let 'em dangle... or eat cake. Isn't that sort of the entire political and philosophical attitude of the Bush Administration anyway?

Fuck the 'employees.' Fuck the 'stockholders.'

Fuck everybody; let's go home. I resign.

And it's real simple: Here's how you do it;

You say:

"This wasn't what I expected."

"I don't see that this position has any real opportunities for me in the future."

"I want to spend more time with my family."

"I no longer share a common vision with the Board of Directors."

"I feel this is best for me and the organization at this time."

"I have health issues I need to address."

See how easy that is?

But people say, "SHARK! We can't do that! We can't JUST LEAVE IRAQ to the insurgents, the terrorists, and the civil wars!"

"Why?" I ask.

"Because... we just... can't."

"Then," I say, "let's quit screwing around and just bomb them off the map and get it over with."

"No," they say, "That does tend to make it easier to win, but we are trying to take the high road and not 'bomb them into dust', 'hearts and minds' and all that -- this is why we are experiencing a higher mortality rate. You liberal wimps must be patient."

"Gee," I say, "kinda sounds like politics is restraining an all-out military victory. Hmm, when was the last time we heard that? mmm... lemme think... Oh yeah, VIETNAM!"

"SO, SHARK, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? Just we should nuke the fuckers? Or daisy-cutter major Sunni cities into rubble? Or MOAB Baghdad? Look, I know you don't think we should have been there in the first place. That's a reasonable opinion. But we ARE there. So what do we do now, SHARK?"

"Nuke 'em all?

Bomb civilians without any remorse?

Do what we're doing now, avoiding civilian casualities while going after extremists?

Run away like a French school-boy and scream "We're sorry! We're sorry!"??

Which is it? Or do you have another option?"


== Shark's Solution to Iraq ==


phase 2: Line the entire Iraqi border with land mines, barbed wire, and a gigantic wall (built by Halliburton, of course).

phase 3: Step back and watch.

phase 4: Videotape the results from various vantage points along the wall: sell it on late night cable as "Iraqis Gone Wild". Give profits to families of the 9/11 dead and casualties from Bush's Blunder.

By the way: I'll be announcing my candidacy for President of the United States for the 2004 election by the end of this week. Email credit card numbers to:


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