Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Ashes & Snow: an incredible photo exhibit

If you are in or near New York City between now and June 6 2005, you should plan to visit "The Nomadic Museum" and treat your eyes and soul to one of the most beautiful and profound photo exhibitions in recent memory.

Gregory Colbert, a Canadian photographer/artist, has spent years on various photo exhibitions all over Planet Earth -- and this exhibit is the culmination of his efforts to present many endangered species in a unique context with their bipedal-domesticated primate friends -- otherwise known as "humans".

This exhibition is truly revolutionary in many ways: it includes a massive portable "museum" that will house the exhibition as it travels around the world; designed by Japanese architect Shigeru Ban, this modular collection of exhibit rooms is made of containers that can be assembled and disassembled like the pieces of a Lego puzzle.

The exhibition also has a beautiful web site, and because of its simplicity of function and design, it should be a required visit for all who consider themselves "web site designers." (That would be about 250,000,000,000 semi-literate morons with a mouse and a modem...)

The web site contains a nice overview of the exhibition, a short bio on artist Colbert, and a sample gallery of these breathtaking photos.

One glance at any one of these pictures, and one has to wonder how puny, egotistical Humankind manages to assume a pose of superiority over these magnificent creatures who share our small dying, polluted planet.

Check it out; it might be the last time you're able to see these animal spirits in something other than a catalogue of vanished species.

(You might have missed the Passenger Pigeon, you can tell your grandkids that you once saw a photo of a real live leopard!)


==============

Ashes and Snow online (http://www.ashesandsnow.org/)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Are You "Male" or "Female"? Take The Test!

Welcome to Shark's

HANDY-DANDY
GENDER DETERMINATION TEST


Neurological scientists have found evidence that there are some distinct physiological differences between the male and female brain structures. This implies that some behavioral tendencies are also gender-based, but as with most aspects of the complex human mind, few persons can be simplified as 'all or nothing' when it comes to gender behaviors.

Evolutionary trends have insured that most of us contain aspects of both male and female personality dispositions; otherwise, long ago we would have wiped out the species through war and violence -- or constant nagging and bitching.

Below is a test to help you determine what percent of your mind is MALE and FEMALE.

Choose the sentence that best suits you.


#1: My basic philosophy about personal appearance is:

A) I like to look nice by being well-dressed and well-groomed, and I find those same qualities attractive in a mate or companion.
B) Who cares what they look like; you don't fuck their face.





#2: My idea of a nice evening at home alone would include:

A) chocolate and a Nora Roberts novel.
B) a six-pack of Keystone and a porno movie.





#3: A MALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems he's having with his significant other; I respond by:

A) ...sending him a nice, thoughtful Hallmark card that contains encouraging words of friendship and sympathy.
B) ...getting him drunk, taking all of his money in a few games of pool, mocking his sexuality, joking about his family life -- and finally beating the shit out of him on his front lawn at 3:00 A.M. 'cause he got smart on the way home.





#4: A FEMALE friend of mine wants to talk about relationship problems she's having with her significant other; I respond by:

A) ...spending hours listening, sharing tears, and giving good advice.
B) ...pretending to be sympathetic, and then offering to share my bed in case she wants to leave him for an hour or two some Saturday night.





#5: While watching the Olympics ice skating competition, I can appreciate:

A) the skill, beauty, coordination, and sheer artistry of these incredible athletes.
B) the fact that most of the guys are faggots, and the women in those short little skirts probably have the tightest asses and most muscular legs I've ever seen.





#6: If I wrote a fairy tale, I would include:

A) a handsome prince, a beautiful princess, and a happy ending.
B) a powerful evil king, a harem of big breasted virgins unable to speak, and a climatic Kung Fu fight between naked Swedish fashion models.





#7: I think the pictures from Abu Ghraib were:

A) evil, disgusting, perverted -- and they were very damaging to American moral authority abroad.
B) very similar to hazing rituals I participated in at college -- and they demonstrated to those murderous sand-niggers that America means business when it comes to punishing people who we suspect might be even remotely related to terrorist activities.





#8: Michael Jackson is...

A) ...incredibly gifted and talented, but I wouldn't let him my children near him.
B) ...a goofy monstrous freak, but I'd like to have fifteen minutes locked in a room with him, a whip, and a jar of Vaseline.





#9: Driving through the country, I see a young deer run across the road late at night; I think...

A) ...of Bambi -- and remember my wonderful childhood.
B) ...of Bambi's mother -- and remember I need to clean my 30.06 before November.





#10: Women are a great contribution to the workplace, because...

A) ...they balance out the decision-making process by perceiving what men often miss, add a sympathetic emotional approach to customer service, and contribute to a healthy diversity of outlooks and attitudes.
B) ...they flirt, wear short skirts, and show lots of cleavage on 'dress-down' Fridays. Oh, and somebody has to make coffee and clean up the office kitchen.







SCORING:
For each A, add 1 point.
For each B, add 5 points.

If you scored 10 or less, you're ALL WOMAN. Estrogen drips from every pore; you can cry at the drop of a hat; you are a mother to birds, animals, and the young -- a sister and soul mate to every women you meet, and you can sympathize with inanimate objects.

If you scored between 11 and 30, you're very CONFUSED -- and probably either a repressed homosexual or lesbian. (*To find out, see Homo/Lesbo Test below) You often find yourself fluctuating between being an arrogant, aggressive asshole and a relentless, petty bitch. You can eviscerate another human being in a heartbeat, but then turn around and give them a hug.

If you scored between 31 and 50, you're ALL MAN. Testosterone drips from every pore. You can get a titanium boner watching sports, violence, Sesame Street, or two dogs fucking in the park. You can drink your weight in beer and still navigate the Ford F-150 into the garage at 4 A.M. You can kick someone's ass at the drop of a hat; you have no sympathy or compassion for anyone or anything; you tend to see every women you meet as a vagina with legs; you think of Mother Earth as something to exploit, conquer, control and generally fuck over for profit. You love Pro Wrestling, deep-fried pork rinds, and picking your nose while stopped at a red light in traffic. You tend to vote Republican -- and if not, you still think Zell Miller would make the best Democratic president in history.

NOTE: Kill yourself now -- for the sake of the species and the planet. Thanks in advance.







=================

* The Supplemental Homo/Lesbo Test


Which of the following would you prefer as the perfect pet?

A) A Siamese cat, a Rottweiller, or an obnoxious talking bird.

B) A big fwuffy kitty, a toy poodle dyed pink, or a young Richard Gere?





SCORING:

If you choose A, you're a repressed Lesbian.

If you choose B, you're a repressed Homosexual.





=================





"...Who are the sackers of cities and makers of war? Who massacres the innocent and grinds the faces of the poor? Who are the enslavers, pirates, and vandals? Who the witch-hunters, the inquisitors and torturers? I cannot name them one and all; but this much I know: whatever their names, they will not be names of women. If I walk through a burning village strewn with bodies, I may not know the race or nation of those who committed this crime; but have I any need to enquire after their sex?"

From The Memoirs of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Theodore Roszak



=================




Another SHARK Test: "ARE YOU A RACIST?"



Wednesday, February 09, 2005

NEW U.S. ARMY AD

[What with all the useless dying in Iraq -- and the lull in new recruits, the U.S. Army has changed ad agencies. Below is their latest.]

============================






JOIN THE BEST AND BE YOUR BEST!

SEE YOUR U.S. ARMY RECRUITER TODAY!


The new, improved U.S. Army isn't just about death, destruction, crummy hours, and bad food. No way, Jose; in these exciting times, being in the Army is about having FUN!

Just ask our top brass!


"Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight... It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling. You go into Afghanistan, you've got guys who slapped women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them." -- Lt. Gen. James Mattis


In the old days, American soldiers -- especially those in the Greatest Generation -- were reluctant killers. They were sensitive, humble, quiet, reserved -- and above all -- respected life, liberty, and the basic values of humanity. They never saw themselves as heroes -- but simply as young men doing their duty.

But no more! That's right, we now encourage our soldiers to be brash, insensitive, egotistical, swaggering, and immoral; in short, just like your generation! Come on, join the fun! You can become a "hero" just by signing up!

Yes -- having fun, gaining strength, and training for a great career are only some of the benefits of becoming a Soldier in the Army. There are programs available that help pay for your college education; cash bonuses for certain jobs and quality-of-life facilities, and programs to make sure you and your family are taken care of.

The Army has more jobs -- in a variety of areas -- than you would ever expect: over 150 jobs for Soldiers on Active Duty, and 120 jobs in the Army Reserve. From working with computers to assisting physicians to fixing helicopters, there's an Army job right for you.

In addition to the standard jobs training you associate with the Army -- combat, computers, construction, engineering -- we've added some new categories to spark the interest in contemporary young Americans.


Cheerleading

In addition to the standard 'yells', we'll train you in choreography, gymnastics, and the more complex 'pyramid' formations. You'll be well-prepared for a future in the CIA, the FBI, or the NFL. "Ready... OKAY!"


==============




Dog Training
We can make you an expert in dog training. If you like animals -- foreign, domestic, whatever breed, religion, ethnic, or tribal group -- we can train you to train them! You'll get hands-on experience, qualify for our excellent K-9 units, and prepare yourself for position with numerous high-paying jobs in any number of intelligence units within and without official government sanctions.

If you can wield a leash and say,
"Here boy!" -- then call your recruiter today!



==============




Mud Wrestling

Throughout our history, we've trained thousands of men and women in karate, tai kwan do, and jiu jitsu -- and to that list of ancient Asian martial arts, we've added a new specialty that was specifically developed by Anglo-Americans in the United States. Believed to have originated in white trash titty bars south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Mud Wrestling has quickly become a serious and honorable martial sport on Army bases in isolated locations around the globe. Part deadly martial art, and part ritualized, choreographed entertainment, this dynamic form of self-defense is a valid career path for any new Army Recruit, but especially well-endowed female soldiers. Want to serve your country? Get down and dirty in the New U.S. Army!

(Call for our free marketing video, "Spring Break: Soldiers Gone Wild!")

BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!

...and then some!

Chinese New Year: Happy, Happy!





Happy Chinese New Year!

Want to celebrate in the traditional manner?

Burn a CD and send it to 1 billion of your friends.
Copy an American Movie from Horrywood and show it in Tiananmen Square.

I guess we should 'get used to it' -- since this is the First Day of the Rest of China's Life, ie the beginning of "The Chinese Century" -- when the marriage of Wal-Mart and over a billion people will produce a baby that is poor, white, jobless, doesn't speak a friggin' word of English or remember who "Jefferson" was -- but can tell you how many duck coughs it takes to make SARS -- and knows the first name of Chairman Mao's favorite dog.

Did you know that The Year of the Rooster is traditionally a time of death, destruction, and evil on the move? It's so tainted that Chinese women have Caesarian Sections to avoid delivering babies in the Time of the Big Cock.

Speaking of Big Cocks, Death, Destruction, and Evil on the march...

Wow. It just happens to coincide with Bush's reelection. What a fucking coincidence!

The Rooster says this President Chickenhawk is going to invade... let's see, who is it this week...?

Oh yeah, Iran!

Yes, that's right, Iran has.... um...

...something we need to bomb...

Oh. What was it again?

Oh yes, Iran has Social Security! If they don't reform it, we're sending in the ol' "Shock & Awe"!

BUSH SAYS IRAN HAS SOCIAL SECURITY!

LOOK OUT, BELOW!

=================

China.

My good pal, BigDaddio called this "The Chinese Century" in a comment elsewhere.

I agree.

China: they're gonna own the U.S. in five years.

Seriously. And they'll be "free" too!

'Cause these days, "freedom" really means becoming as corrupt, materialistic, and addicted to consumer crap as Americans are.

It wasn't Ronald Raygun who 'defeated' communism; it was Pepsi, Levis, and Rock-n-Roll.

China is building shopping malls faster than they can steal copyrighted and trademarked products to fill them -- so it's just a matter of time.

Now -- if we could just get those wacky Muslims interested in having thirteen different kinds of toilet paper to choose from... get 'em to eat at McDonald's and wear Levi's. Fuck elections. They need PRODUCTS!


** America stands for Freedom, Democracy,
Cholesterol, and Tight-Fitting Pants Made In China **


Saturday, February 05, 2005

You're RIGHT. I'm Wrong.

Thanks to Iraq -- I'm kinda wanting to go over to the other side.

Okay, well, maybe not that side, but I sure think that nowadays, it's a helluva lot more fun to be a reactionary than to be a liberal.

And less lonely, too.

I'm really running outta gas on this liberal thing. When I write a post nowadays, I feel like a guy opening a Yarmulke Shop in downtown Berlin in 1933. When I satirize a conservative online, I feel like I'm performing a Bris ceremony in the Nuremberg town square.

I'm tired of being a "progressive liberal."

Seriously.

You guys have Bush. And the Bush bloodline -- which apparently won't run out within the next four or five generations. I fully expect The Twins to take office (President AND Vice President!) right after Jeb and Neal get done with their second terms. We have the beginnings of a new apostolic succession that will make the length of the English Monarchy's reign look like the lifespan of a sitcom on WB.

...Meanwhile, we have Ted "not dog food, not yet at least" Kennedy. Or the friggin' 'meltdown man' Howard Dean. Shit, we don't even have Christopher Hitchens anymore -- and we can't appeal to the younger generation because they'd rather own stocks in Google than have an alternative to cardboard castles and dogfood dinners in their too distant old age.

Yall have Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

Shit, we have... what... Barbara Streisand... and she hasn't made a decent album in decades...

Yall have a real honest-to-god "We're Gonna Kick Yer Ass for Your Own Good" Foreign Policy -- an Imperialist dream of conquering the world that has balls, smells of testosterone, and promises a happy ending.

...We want everyone on the world playground to, as G. Gordon Liddy would say, "play nicey" -- but our outlook is grim, and we don't really see how cool it looks and feels to walk with a swagger and carry a Nice Big Stick. We wanna turn that Cosmic War Mace into toothpicks for the poor. That ain't gonna sell.

Yall have "shock and awe." We have "ommmm..." -- Do I have to point out that this is No Contest?

Yall have a grand plan to "get government out of people's lives", including their kids (kill public schools), their old age (Social Security), the environment ("jobs before air and water!") and their bankrupting illnesses (health care).

...we have a vague plan to... well, I dunno the plan because --- well, it's vague.

And finally, yall have God and His Word on your side -- and the absolute conviction that you're right and whoever disagrees is wrong. You don't tolerate the Fallen and the Sinful, and you can back it up -- every idea in every human realm (moral, legal, intellectual) -- with scripture. You are able to justify anything based on an ancient, best-selling book that nobody can argue with because,"Hey, it says so right here!"

...Meanwhile, we have dozens of competing paganistic, hedonistic ideas that are in agreement on only one issue: that Everything is Relative -- and one should be Tolerant of Others -- especially their lifestyles.

Your constituency is quoting the Bible on one hand -- and playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" on the other. They go to church and pray -- and then go home and curse, drink beer, and watch fat men play Gladiator With a Pigskin on TV.

We can't compete with that. All we have to offer is a seat at the Unitarian meeting -- where you can join in on a touchy-feely, pretty bad version of "We Are the World" accompanied by an acoustic guitar-playing lesbian.

We're screwed and I know it.

Red rover, red rover, Shark wants to come over...



Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Opponents Poison Hillary!

(Rotters News) February 2, 2005 -- WASHINGTON -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said yesterday a fainting spell she suffered might have come from food poisoning that she may have picked up at an expensive Westchester County hotel.

"It was either a 24-hour virus or something we ate," said Clinton, when Rotters Press asked her yesterday what caused her to pass out Monday morning in Buffalo.

"We were celebrating the election in Iraq -- and toasting our victorious President Bush. Everybody ate the same salad," noted Clinton, “but as far as the meat serving, I opted to eat crow -- and had humble pie for dessert.”

Clinton attending a meeting at the Hilton with Newt Gingrich and Jeb Bush on Sunday. The subject of the discussion was to be a compromise on Social Security reform measures.

She declined to blame the hotel or her Republican hosts.

"It was just one of these 24-hour 'bang' events where you just get really, really sick," Clinton said. "I don’t know if I should be suspicious, but I did notice a waiter who looked a lot like Zell Miller. He’s retired now, so I know he can use the work. And the waiter could barely speak English, so the resemblance to Miller was remarkable."

"I decided to get up yesterday morning and keep my schedule, which was probably not the smartest thing to do," Clinton said.

Yesterday, Clinton startled an audience at the Buffalo Saturn Club when she announced Monday morning that she could not continue. Secret Service agents, who accompany her everywhere, slowly ‘rushed’ to her side.

After she was taken to a nearby hospital, tests reveal the level of dioxin in the blood of the Democratic Senator from New York is more than 6,000 times higher than normal.

A normal level of dioxin is between 15 and 45 units. Almost everyone has some level of dioxins because the toxic chemical is widespread in the environment -- mainly from its industrial usages -- and accumulates in the food chain.

In the case of Clinton, doctors at the hospital narrowed the search from more than 400 dioxins to about 29 -- and are confident they will identify the poison by week's end. That, in turn, could provide clues for the investigation of the alleged poisoning.

"From a (chemical) fingerprint, at least you can deduce what kind of sources might have been involved," a police investigator told The Rotters News. "The labs will try to find out whether it matches any of the batches of dioxins that are around, so that maybe you can trace it back to where it was ordered or where it came from. We’re not sure if Zell Miller had anything to do with it, but we did find traces of hominy grits mixed in with the samples."

Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller both denied having anything to do with the poisoning, and added that they are reaching out to all leading Democrats in a series of luncheons and dinners between now and 2008.

"We want to end the bi-partisan bickering," Gingrich said, "---as a matter of fact, this weekend, we're hosting a special Superbowl Party and we've invited Barack Obama to share in some bean dip."

Experts say Clinton, whose face has been pockmarked and disfigured, has probably experienced the worst effects already and should gradually recover, with no impairment to her skills or ability to attract men.








Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Dangers of Insomnia

Apex night in the cool mausoleum
friends have turned to stone
families sleep in drowned aisles
small children chased by wild animals
in a dead yet haunted zone;
cities are almost silent
filled and stilled
with renegades in metal wombs
hats back in a restful descent.

Nothing but static
beating the concrete veins.

I lie awake
just this side of the interstate
counting and naming the loop of sheep
imagining tears for a meal of pets
knowing that being alive at this hour
leaves me standing by that shut door
with open eyes
ear pressed to the obstacle
which holds
for Us, a sleeping world
of Them.

Thus We are set apart
by our optical curiosity
and the relentless retinal intake.

They are not My Tribe.

Lids sewn open forever,
doubting the imminent arrival of sleep

settle into my restless arms
which at this hour
resemble gods.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Iraqi Election - "Mission Accomplished!"





Rotters News Service - Washington DC.
Jan. 31, 2005


Yesterday, January 30, 2005, was an historic day: Iraq held its first free election in over 50 years. Despite threats from the terrorists who have carried out daily car bombings and assassinations, most of the voting locations remained safe throughout the day.

Initial estimates from an Iraq Interim Government spokesperson put the attendance figures at 72%. Later in the day, they were lowered to 60%. Finally, by early evening, a spokesman admitted that they actually had no idea what percentage of the population voted.

Final results are expected to be announced within a week or so, but initial reports show that -- strange as it may seem -- President George Bush won 52% of the overall vote! U.N. Observer Katherine Harris told reporters that while this is relatively unexpected -- since Bush wasn't even on the Iraqi ballot -- it only confirms what the administration has been saying all along: that the Iraqi people have welcomed George W. Bush as a heroic 'liberator'.

Early exit polls showed Bush held a slight edge over the other 275 candidates, but as of late last night, an 11th hour count of Iraqi expatriate votes from Ohio appears to put President Bush in a strong lead; if this is confirmed in the following days, Bush will be the first person in recent history to be democratically elected to run two separate nations.

Iyad Allawi, current Prime Minister on the Iraqi Interim Governing Council and a good friend of the U.S. administration, was running a close second to President Bush. He celebrated his excellent showing in the election by appearing before a cheering crowd of Iraqis late Sunday night. He stood on the balcony of Paul Bremer's old residence, waved to the crowd, and fired an automatic rifle in the air -- which has been the traditional acceptance speech of Iraqi leaders in the past.

In related news, a group of Democratic leaders from the U.S. -- including Senator John Kerry, Senator Joseph Biden, and House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi -- have put forth a controversial immigration bill which allows Sunni residents of Iraq to immigrate on a "fast-track" to the United States, where they will be encouraged to form a coalition with U.S. Democrats. The bill contains over $2 billion to set up four Sunni relocation processing centers in the following locations: Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio; and Orlando and Miami, Florida.

"We're both marginalized parties in our respective countries, "Pelosi said in a press conference late last night, "and we expect to continue to be discriminated against, repressed, taunted, and even hunted down and killed. We hope to combine efforts, raise our numbers, and therefore constitute a more powerful opposition to the continuing onslaught of the Republican Party."

When asked by reporters why the Democrats feel it's necessary to team up with religious fundamentalists from Iraq, Senator Kerry said, "We have to do something to resurrect the Democratic party -- especially on the 'faith' and 'morals' issues. The GOP already staked out the televangelist, Judeo-Christian territory, leaving us to fend for ourselves using other kooky religious traditions. Islam -- by recommending cutting off the hand of a thief -- might also help us on the old "law & order" issue -- where we Democrats are traditionally viewed as weak. It's becoming clear that Democrat and Sunni numbers are dwindling faster than my wife's New Years resolutions to stop nagging. So we have to find some common ground with another marginalized demographic, and we think the Iraqi Sunnis are a good prospect. We'd like to reach out to them and say, 'We feel your pain.'"

When it was pointed out to Senator Kerry that many of the Iraqi Sunnis have ties to terrorists and murderers in their homeland -- and a vote to allow 'fast-track' immigration status could contribute to the influx of terrorists into the United States, Kerry replied, "Well, I voted for the Sunni immigration bill... before I voted against it. The record is clear on that."